Times 2 - UK (2020-07-28)

the times | Tuesday July 28 2020 1GT 3

times

Things a townie might not know

6 The greengrocer will not have

vegetables that are out of season.

Don’t wander in now demanding

asparagus. And don’t expect to find

townie things in food shops such as

pomegranate molasses, or ’nduja.

6 Ordering an Ocado delivery when

you could be shopping locally will

endear you to no one.

6 Never put things down the loo.

The plumbing can’t take it.

6 Don’t assume you can get hot

water at any time of the day. There

will be water first thing and at 7pm.

6 Don’t imagine you can go out,

drink a lot and get a taxi back.

There’s an outside possibility you

may be able to order one a week in

advance, but you probably won’t.

6 Your mobile phone is no longer

the be-all and end-all. You won’t be

getting reception in two out of three

places, so you can forget about

micro-managing the supermarket

shop or co-ordinating a meeting

place. You’re back to the one solid

plan in the morning and stick to it.

6 It’s proper and polite to chat to

the person behind the counter in

a shop for up to five minutes.

Country manners dictate that it

is far more important to chew

the fat with your local frontline

workers than to rush on to the

next thing, as if the only purpose

of errands were buying things.

6 Everyone has a dog in the

country, but no one has a dog they

consider to be “really cute” or one

that thinks of them as “mummy”.

6 You may ask the local fishmonger

what the scary fish is (hake), but

don’t ask him to shuck your oysters.

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heads’ worth of shaggy blond

highlighted hair; and the men wearing

moleskin Nehru jackets, linen scarves

and copper bracelets. Nothing wrong

with this, other than that everyone can

tell you live in Notting Hill.

Do be properly equipped

That said, there is nothing that

marks out the townie quicker than

someone in the wrong footwear.

Typically the townie who does not

have the proper footwear for walking

in will assume that their Fitflops/

Dainty lilac plimsolls are perfectly

adequate, and sometimes they might

even think that refusing to own a

pair of ugly waterproof boots is part

of their townie charm; they just don’t

do conformity.

Of course, they have not bargained

for the wetness of the long grass, the

thistles and nettles, which make bare

ankles a hazard, the bit where you

have to cross a stream balancing on

slippery rocks, the muddy riverbank

etc. So when a local sees someone

heading off across a field in a pair of

Fitflops they see a staycationer

heading for trouble.

(*Note: Be very aware of the

difference between a designated path

through a field and something that

looks as if it might be a path. The

farmer will put you straight on this,

but you might not want to let it get to

that stage.)

Don’t look too spruced up

This is different from avoiding townie

modes of dress. This is more of a

grooming rule, and TBH it does

depend on which part of the country

you are in. In Norfolk your blow-dry

will mark you out as a townie, not so

much in the Cotswolds. On Exmoor

you would expect to wander into your

neighbour’s kitchen in your muddy

boots, not so much in Hampshire.

That said, even in the smartest rural

spots, only a tourist would be fully

made up and coiffed during the day,

but if you like to be very made up and

coiffed, just be sure to be wearing

well-worn boots and a fleece. They

should cancel each other out.

Ocado and don’t moan about the rain

COVER AND BELOW: DAVID BECKHAM/INSTAGRAM; GETTY IMAGES

6 Running away from seagulls.

6 Lugging around pool

inflatables.

6 Having a picnic hamper.

6 Sunbathing.

6 Wandering around with

your phone in the air looking

for a signal.

6 Being loud in the sea.

6 Going on about how cold the

sea is.

How to spot

a townie

How to appear

more like

a local

6 Wear oversize sweaters with

moth holes.

6 Have a wetsuit with holes

in it and beach shoes.

6 Smile and say hello to

strangers you meet on the path.

6 Never take music to the beach or

anywhere else.

6 Read the local paper.

6 Have children under eight who

are perfectly capable of getting their

own lunch.

6 Never buy takeaway coffee.

6 Have a farmer’s tan.

6 Have a proper surfboard with a

knitted cover.

6 Surf with your dog.

6 Have an almost destroyed bag

for life.

6 Have a beaten-up car.

6 Know your tides. And your knots.

6 Have a picnic wrapped in tinfoil in

your bag for life.

6 Hang about in the sea chatting.

That should do it.

Apart from odd clothing, there are

plenty of other ways in which a

townie might stand out from the

country crowd. Here are a few things

to be avoided if you want to blend in.

6 Wearing skin-tight black exercise

kit in public.

6 Carrying around a yoga mat

and a water bottle.

6 Carrying a little dog under

your arm.

6 Putting doggie clothes on your

little dog.

6 Having a serious designer

handbag.

6 Having music blaring out of your

top-down convertible.

6 Going out for breakfast.

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Above:

David

Beckham

as seen on

his wife’s

Instagram