6 1GT Monday July 27 2020 | the times

life

I

don’t mean to sound smug, but

I don’t think I have much hope.

You see, I’m writing this article

in a bikini, with my laptop

shaded by a cardboard box and a

sangria chilling in the fridge. No,

I’m not yet another one of your

friends showing off about the

last-minute holiday they’ve jetted off

on. It’s far better than that: I’ve moved

to Mallorca and I cannot shake the

feeling that I’ve made a great escape.

Rewind a few months and I was

spending lockdown at my parents’

house in Scotland, where I’d moved

to finish writing my memoir. I’d

contracted coronavirus in London and

fled the day my quarantine ended —

the day before everyone was told to

stay inside. The most dramatic journey

I thought I’d make this year was the

one where my sister and I raced over

the border to a house with a garden,

a dog and a fully stocked fridge.

I’m an anxious sort and in those first

few weeks my brain was playing tricks

on me. I had endless insomnia, fuelled

by my insistence on frantically reading

every piece of news on the pandemic I

could find. I convinced myself that the

world was ending, banned everyone in

my house from leaving and designated

myself as the sole errand runner.

The supermarket was the seventh

circle of hell. Social distancing was

suggested, but never enforced. In

Tesco I was trapped in a one-way

system where staff patrolled the aisles,

warning that if you forgot the Oatly

you’d be sliding back to the start like

snakes and ladders. After a panic

attack in Asda trying to find cocktail

Q

NN

QQQ

Our grandchildren’s

parents are about to

tell their children that

they are separating.

I am concerned that

they are not seeking

expert advice on the best approach

on how to let the children know of

this sad development. The children

are aged six and nine. Any advice

would be much appreciated.

Alan

A

NN

A

Separation and divorce

are not outcomes that

most children want

for their parents, so

when planning to tell

them news that will

turn their worlds upside down, the

fundamental necessity at all times is

to keep the needs of the children at

the forefront of all that is said and

done. This starts with telling them

about the separation and supporting

them through it, then afterwards when

separated but co-parenting.

A separation or divorce is a highly

stressful, emotional and, for some,

traumatic experience that leads to the

break-up of a family. Shock, anger,

blame, anxiety and grief are common

psychological and emotional reactions.

While separation may be a form of

resolution and relief for one or both

of the adults in the relationship, it will

not feel that way for the children, so

the focus has to shift to one that

is child-centred.

Let’s start with developmental

considerations. Your grandchildren are

six and nine, so their parents need to

consider them in terms of their level

of understanding and adjust the

narrative to meet their level. Although

they will probably be linguistically

fairly sophisticated (especially the

elder), it is extremely important to be

aware that their ability to reason and

understand will not match what they

can express in words.

Parents can misinterpret a

sophisticated vocabulary and ability

to argue and negotiate with an equally

sophisticated ability to process

information. This means that children

are often talked to as if they were

mini adults, with an oversharing of

information and detail.

Just because it may make us feel

better to tell our children everything

we think they need to know (including

the intricacies of the relationship

difficulties, blame, resentments etc)

because we want to be “honest” with

them, it doesn’t mean they need to

hear it. Couples separate because they

can’t agree on most things, so the only

truth that children need to hear is one

that is factually correct and not laden

with emotional subtexts.

Children aged six and nine will want

to please the important adults in their

lives. They may at times seem more

confident than they are, but this can

hide sensitivity. They are developing

the concepts of empathy, care and

loyalty to those they love. This will

mean that they may self-blame, try to

put on a brave face — particularly if

they sense one or both parents are

very distressed (and therefore become

the “parental child”) — and feel split

in terms of their loyalties.

With the development of morality,

children of their age will have a sense

of right and wrong, but can still be

concrete in their thinking in terms of

blame and lack the ability to unpick

the nuances of social relationships.

They might want to know whose

fault it is. They have to be helped to

understand that blame is not a healthy

way for them to cope with the

separation. Their values are still

developing, and children might get

angry and share strong opinions; this

shouldn’t be argued with or taken

personally. Children need to be heard.

At this stage they are beginning to

see how their actions affect other

people, although sometimes they still

seem self-centred. As they develop

a growing awareness of the world

around them and the impact and

consequences of words, actions and

behaviours, they can become more

anxious. Children at their age can be

very self-critical and need reassurance,

so could self-blame and think that

they might have caused the

separation. They have to be fully

reassured that they haven’t.

Memory is also improving, and with

that their desire to ask questions will

increase. That doesn’t mean they all

need to be answered. When telling

the children about the separation,

the advice is that the conversation is

planned and delivered by both parents

presenting a united front so that the

overall message “we are still together

for you as your parents and always

will be” is demonstrated.

All possible practical questions they

might ask need to be prepared

for — for example, where will

they live, how will they see

both of you? Questions about

changes in their lives should

be pre-empted by

acknowledging that while

some things will be

different, many others

won’t. While there will be

two households, children

have to feel a sense of

certainty and continuity

between both.

A separation will

make what felt safe and

familiar feel insecure

and unsafe. Routines

and familiarity are

important to maintain,

as are boundaries

around behaviour, so

that parents don’t get

assigned (or assign

each other) to “good

cop/bad cop” roles.

Most importantly, the

children should have the

opportunity to express

themselves and their

I fear that our grandchildren won’t get the

right support during their parents’ divorce

feelings in whatever way they feel able.

This may vary greatly from extreme

anger to complete silence.

Your grandchildren will need

support and understanding to

grieve their loss and adjust to new

circumstances. They need to be

listened to, enabled to find words to

express their feelings and be allowed

to say what they think and feel

without fear of judgment and censure.

As they get older, the boys might want

to revisit the conversation as their

understanding and awareness of the

world changes; this has to be tolerated.

As they process the separation

emotionally your grandchildren may

show challenging behaviours. They

may become more argumentative and

angry or more withdrawn and aloof.

This is because anxiety (which they

will feel) is the fight/flight response.

Given that research clearly highlights

how divorce increases behavioural

and academic risks, their school

must be informed.

Boundaries around behaviours

need to be maintained, but feelings

acknowledged and other ways to

express them supported with

statements such as, “I know you feel

sad and angry that Mummy and

Daddy are separating, but hitting and

punching is not the way to express

this. Let’s find a way to talk about it,

have a cuddle, have a cry,” and so on.

For the couple, animosity has to be

put aside and ways to communicate

effectively about the children

developed. Co-parenting has to be

worked at and support/mediation

found if that cannot be achieved

(eg relate.org.uk; nfm.org.uk).

While children have to understand

that there will be differences in the

two households, there has to be

agreement on fundamentals, such as

sleep, diet, activities and rules around

behaviour. Without these, children

become confused and can try to

exploit loopholes in their care.

The most fundamental issue centres

on how a separated couple can remain

united as parents. I despair

at the collateral damage

inflicted on children by

parents who continue to

play out their animosity

through them. This is

abusive and selfish and

can lead to long-term

psychological and

emotional damage.

While a separated

couple can agree that

they don’t wish to be

together and know their

reasons, which will

involve hurt, anger,

resentment etc, what they

can also agree is that the

wellbeing of their children

is paramount to them both, so

their issues must not be played

out around their children.

That is what it means to be

child-centred: prioritising the

needs of children.

If you have a problem and

would like Professor Tanya

Byron’s help, email her at

[email protected]

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