4 1GT Monday August 3 2020 | the times

times

encompasses how we feel about

ourselves, our bodies, the messages we

got in our childhood about sex and

sexuality, our early sexual experiences.

For a relationship to survive, each

person needs to have the capacity to

be curious and interested in the other

one. If one person loses interest in the

other then the marriage is over.

However, sex does have the power

to save marriages where warm feelings

lie dormant. It encourages the couple

to be together, skin-to-skin, feeling

each other and bringing themselves

closer together rather than being cold

or wounding. Crucially, it’s not just

about sex, it’s also about play. Most

couples have forgotten how to be

playful with each other and are

terrified of their inner longings.

In my long-term relationships

I’ve often immersed myself in

the daily chores of life to avoid

having sex. Sometimes it’s

because I’ve just been tired.

Sometimes it’s because I’m resentful

and angry, so I’ve withheld sex as a

punishment (not that I like to admit

this). Sometimes I’ve felt scared of

the lack of control. Often the lack

of sex is about issues that are buried

far deeper than whether we desire

one another.

Happily married,

but no sex life

— here’s how

to bring it back

Demi Moore stars in a new podcast that helps long-

term couples reignite their passion. It can be done,

says relationship therapist Lucy Cavendish

L

iz has a fantasy that she’s

on a train and meets a

man who reminds her of

a younger version of her

husband. They have an

erotic encounter in a

private compartment,

which she describes in

graphic detail. Luna is spooked in a

haunted house where she has had her

first orgasm. In her fantasy she goes

back and has an encounter with a

masked man in a coffin.

These stories are part of a new

scripted erotica podcast, Dirty Diana,

which stars a husky-voiced Demi

Moore alongside guest actors such as

Lena Dunham and Gwendoline

Christie. Moore is Diana, an uptight

businesswoman who hasn’t had sex

with her husband for more than a

year. By day she is a financier in a

male-dominated environment. As a

sideline she shares other women’s

sexual fantasies on her podcast. The

result? Their revelations rekindle the

desire in her marriage.

Which is all very well for the

storyline, but are erotic fantasies really

enough to mend a broken marriage?

And if you don’t have sex, does that

mean your marriage is over? As a

couples therapist I see a lot of couples

who spend a lot of time with each

other in a resentful disembodied state.

Sex is a sure-fire way to begin to

salvage what might feel wrecked — it’s

also the one thing couples really don’t

want to discuss in the therapy room.

Your sexuality can be difficult to

articulate, whatever your age. In a

recent interview Moore, 57, said that

making the podcast had made her

confront her libido. “My sexuality has

felt like it’s dangerous... and that I

should just keep it under wraps,” she

said. “This podcast has been an

incredible opportunity of opening into

areas that I’m not comfortable with...

It’s like a safe way of exploring.”

Shana Feste, 44, the creator of Dirty

Diana, says that the podcast was

inspired by her marriage to the film

producer Brian Kavanaugh-Jones.

“We almost lost each other,” she told

Variety magazine recently. “There was

a time, it was ten years ago, where we

were strangers and we stopped having

sex altogether. I think both of us

thought there is no way we will

possibly find our way back. We were

living with other people. But we would

meet and every time we would cry.”

It took a year of therapy, she said,

to be able to open up about the most

intimate aspects of their relationship

and get their marriage back on track.

“I was not raised to talk about sex

openly,” Feste said. “I had so much

shame about my own sexuality that I

was fighting through. And, of course,

that’s going to come through in your

marriage. It has to.

“We have three kids. We’re

happily married. I wanted to show

a marriage coming back together.

I wanted to show how you could...

find your way back to each other.”

Feste’s experience may sound

unlikely. Yet I have known many

couples — some of whom have

even divorced — get back together

after time apart. Part of this is down

to reigniting a sense of longing for

each other, but is sex enough to

save a nearly over marriage?

As a mother of four who has

had two significant long-term

relationships and is now married,

I can now say that I think sex is

highly important. It engenders

commitment, communication and

an instant intimacy in a way that

merely talking does not. Things always

improve with sex. The difficult part is

in trying to attune with each other in

an honest and erotic way. If sex is

communication — warmth, desire,

physical closeness, a feeling of

aliveness — not having it is the

opposite, and that’s where troubles

and issues lie dormant and fester.

Moore has been married three

times and has been much fêted as a

femme fatale. Her second marriage

was to the actor Bruce Willis. They

have three children and spent

lockdown together, despite Willis

being in another long-term

relationship. I imagine Moore might

have much to say on how to know

whether marriages are dead or not.

From my own experience, if sexual

interest vanishes from the relationship,

eventually the marriage becomes too

arid for the couple to survive.

As a couples therapist I know that

sex can be about many things. It

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