6 1GT Monday August 10 2020 | the times

life

Q

NN

QQQ

My husband, who

is 75, and I married

eight years ago very

shortly after meeting.

I am 78. We had both

been widowed three

to four years earlier after long

marriages. We were interested in

similar things and it seemed a good

idea to spend our twilight years

making each other happy.

I soon discovered, however, that

he wanted to control everything,

including what I eat. He eats little

himself, but is very fussy and insists

on doing the shopping. He buys

prodigious amounts of sweets,

cakes and biscuits, which puts him

off eating proper meals. This annoys

me because I’m a decent cook.

My biggest issue, however, is that

he tries to control what I eat. When

I met him I was the right weight (8st

10lb) and visited the gym at least

three times a week. I was confident,

knew I looked good and dressed well.

Now I’m almost 4st heavier. My

husband makes fun of my weight

gain; I won’t go to the corner shop

and certainly won’t buy clothes.

My daughters live 200 miles away

and for various reasons I haven’t

seen them for a year, although we’re

emotionally close. Now I make

excuses for not seeing them simply

because I don’t want them to see the

mess that I have become. I know

they would be horrified.

Why has this happened? My

husband buys so much food that in

the past I would not have bought

or eaten — ready meals, savoury

snacks. I have begged him not to do

this, but he acts hurt and says he was

only thinking of me. If it’s perishable

and I don’t eat it within a reasonable

time he berates me, so I eat it to

preserve the peace. On a couple of

occasions when we have been out

for a meal and I’ve ordered a salad

he has waited for it to be brought

to the table, then walked out of the

restaurant. It is so embarrassing.

I know this is abusive, but we live

in my house and I’m not about to

walk away. I keep telling myself:

“There’s no fool like an old fool.”

I’m so unhappy. What can I do?

Elizabeth

A

NN

A

For you and your

husband it was clearly

wonderful to meet

each other after your

bereavements and find

someone to spend the

rest of your twilight years with.

However, this all happened fast, and

meeting and marrying at such speed

would have meant that you didn’t

know each other well and perhaps you

didn’t fully appreciate the controlling

aspects of your husband’s personality.

You are not an “old fool”, and I want

to begin by challenging that. You are a

woman who was bereaved and in her

grief found love and companionship

and wanted to grab it with both hands.

To be so pejorative about yourself

indicates that you are worn down and

that your self-esteem is at an all-time

low, and from what you describe, I am

not surprised. I want to explain your

husband’s controlling and emotionally

manipulative behaviour so that you

can locate the problem where it

belongs (with him) and empower

yourself to decide what you want

to do to change this toxic situation.

It is clear that your husband is

controlling many aspects of your life.

People such as your husband need to

be in charge, and I have worked with

many people who, like yourself, are

told what to eat as well as what to

wear, what to do, whom they can and

can’t see etc. This is called coercive

control and is a form of partner abuse

— repeated behaviours cause feelings

of being afraid, controlled, dependent

and isolated. The web of abuse and

control entraps the victim, who

feels powerless to do anything other

than acquiesce and keep the peace.

Self-esteem is eroded, so the ability

to assert one’s needs is destroyed

(which is the intent of the abuser).

Your husband can be described as a

domestic abuser, which may surprise

you because there is no physical

violence. However, psychological

and emotional violence via coercion,

threats and emotional manipulation is

abuse. It’s occurring within the home

and is therefore domestic.

It may be that your husband does

not see it this way and justifies his

behaviour as his “right”, yet your

feelings and the impact on you

mentally and physically clearly

indicate that this is not right for you.

So something has to change. I advise

that you read the excellent and

empowering book Living with the

Dominator by Pat Craven.

Food control is extremely abusive,

and for some people is a way of

retaining power over their partner and

reducing the chance that they will

leave (by manipulating them to

lose body confidence). Your

husband’s control around food

means that he isn’t only

sabotaging your diet and

health, but also your life.

The more he controls, the

more you submit. You have

lost your sense of self, your

core identity as a woman

(physically and mentally)

and have been reduced

to such a sense of shame

that your contact with

your daughters is

reduced. You are

becoming agoraphobic

— afraid to leave

the house.

Your husband

believes that you

should bend to his

needs and desires. Like

a narcissistic, entitled

child he bullies and

humiliates you at home

and in public. You fear

his behaviour and so,

by your submission,

enable it to continue,

and the sado-

masochistic dynamic is

entrenched. Controlling

spouses are unlikely to

change because change

‘My husband controls everything, including

what I eat — and I have put on four stone’

requires compromise, and that

would feel like a loss of control. The

person who has to change is you, and

that is a challenge, given that you feel

so powerless.

You really have only three options:

continuing the status quo, marital

therapy or divorce. To begin with, I

suggest you find therapeutic support

to enable yourself to recognise your

needs and find your voice (talk to your

GP or see bacp.co.uk). From there you

may decide to try to address the issues,

so you need to explain this to your

husband with a clear boundary (ie the

relationship will end) if he is unwilling:

his willingness will speak volumes. For

couples therapy see relate.org.uk and

the NHS at bit.ly/30AGqkt.

I strongly advise that you contact

your daughters and trusted friends

and tell them what is going on — you

will need support and strength from

those who love and respect you. The

Domestic Abuse Helpline supports

women who experience all forms

of abuse and can offer advice and

support (phone 0808 2000247 or

see nationaldahelpline.org.uk).

None of these people you seek

support from will see you as a “fool”,

but a woman trapped in an abusive

relationship who needs help. The

coercive control means you cannot

see a way out. Your husband shames

and humiliates you, uses emotional

blackmail to make you feel guilty,

enables you to buy into an idea that

you are inferior and perhaps even

unworthy, frightens you into keeping

the peace and pressures you into

unhealthy behaviours. What does this

say about him? Is his sense of self so

fragile that he compensates by being

a bully? If you remain in this toxic

dynamic, my fear is that you will

become housebound, isolated,

self-loathing and clinically depressed.

The question you have

to ask yourself is how

bad does it have to get

before you say you’ve

had enough? Coercive

control is a criminal

offence. You can

report it to the police

and also apply to

the family court for

protection or to

exclude your abuser

from your home via

a domestic violence

injunction (whether

you report the

behaviour to the

police or not). For

a legal guide see

Rights of Women

at bit.ly/33AoMPS.

Please do not

hesitate to get support

immediately. A partner

doesn’t have to hit and

punch to be an abuser.

The impact on you clearly

indicates that you are being

coercively controlled.

Find a better way to enjoy

your twilight years — with him

(only if there is authentic change)

or without him. Please let me know

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how you get on.

Ask Professor Tanya Byron

The day

London barrister

Mohsin Zaidi

recalls his fear

and self-loathing

as he finally came

out to his family

O

n the morning of

the last day of

Oxford university

life, I packed the

belongings I had

accumulated

over the previous

four years into a

friend’s car and she drove me back

to London. In the passenger seat

of her Volvo estate, I cried.

I was saying goodbye to the city

that had made me who I was right

now. I had gone through the magical

wardrobe into Narnia. Into a land

filled with experiences I’d never

known before and couldn’t begin to

understand when I had first arrived.

It was not just a degree, but a key

to a privileged world I could now live

in. Oxford told me I was brought up

poor, but it left me richer. And it made

me face the reality that I was gay

while giving me the space and

freedom of mind to accept it.

When I’d arrived, it was easier to

look down at my shadow than at the

road ahead.

For now, I was saying goodbye to

Narnia and entering the wardrobe

once again, only this time it would

lead me back into my parents’ house.

I had agreed to move back to the

home in which the old me had once

lived. But the old me was gone.

From the moment my mum

knew the truth about me, I wanted

desperately to tell my dad, but she and

my younger brother Abbass feared

what he might do. My dad was a

devout, proud and reserved man. He

laughed openly with his sons, his wife

and some of his friends, but to the rest

of the world he was a serious Muslim

father and husband.

Concepts such as respect and

honour were fundamental to him.

My dad had never hit us. Yet we

feared it. Perhaps the fear was not

of the physical. Violence can be a

destructive force, but so can exposing

shameful secrets.

I had more exams approaching, legal

exams I would have to pass before

I could begin working at Linklaters

in September 2009. I had decided to

sit the New York legal exams too, so

that I could be a qualified lawyer in

England and America. I was 23 years

old and still thinking about running

away from home. Linklaters was

funding my place at a special law

school in London and I was in the

school’s central London library all the

time, trying not to tear out my hair.

“Hello?” I said, stepping away from

my desk and answering the phone.

“Hi, Mohsin, where are you?” Abbass

asked. “Where do you think? I’m at

the bloody library.”

“Mohsin, you have to come home

right now.”

If you have a problem

and would like

Professor Tanya Byron’s

help, email her at

proftanyabyron@

thetimes.co.uk

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