26 THENEWYORKER,AUGUST17, 2020
SHOUTS & MURMURS
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
There is just no such thing as social distancing
for actors. You cannot prevent contact. That is
just not the way our industry works.
—Kate Shindle, president of
Actors’ Equity Association.
SCene: Capulet’s orchard. Juliet appears
above at a window.
ROMEO: But, soft! What light through
yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
’Tis not the yondest window I have
seen;
In truth, I fear, ’tis not quite yond
enough.
The distance, by my reckoning, is fine,
Being thrice the span of my out-
stretchèd arm;
The real problem here is one of height,
With me down here and her up there
and all—
It is my lady, O, it is my love!
She speaks yet she says nothing: what
of that?
I actually prefer that she keep shtum,
Because, though I am loth to criticize
This maid that o’ershines the envious
moon
(Who is already sick and pale with
grief,
That Juliet be far more fair than she),
The silly dope came out without a
mask.
Were she to sneeze or, worse still,
blow her nose,
Whose tiny tilt and rare perfection
ne’er
Shall beg the rhinoplast’rer’s careful
art,
I might lie just inside her mucal
range.
By Cupid was this sacred law begot:Thy love is deepest when thou lov’st
not snot.
(Steps back)
That’s better. Ah, my sweet! Her eyes
in heaven
Would through the airy region stream
so bright
That birds would sing and think it
were not night.
See how she leans her cheek upon
her hand!
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!
(Pause) Not literally.
JULIET: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore
art thou Romeo?
ROMEO: Long story. My old man was
keen on Duane,
But Mom liked Rocco, ’cause it
sounded tough:
Rocky Montague, right? In the end,
They compromised, so Romeo it was.
JULIET: What’s in a name? That which
we call a rose
By any other name would smell as
sweet.
ROMEO: ’Tis true, and yet is smelling
anything
A good idea, when e’en the gods
themselves,
Obeying guidelines, choose to
chicken out
When bending low to take a mortal
sniff?
JULIET: How cam’st thou hither, tell
me, and wherefore?
The orchard walls are high and hard
to climb.
ROMEO: With love’s light wings did I
o’er-perch these walls;
For stony limits cannot hold love out.
Also, there are arrows, freshly daubed,
That show the aëreal climber where
to go,
Along a one-way route, in case you
meet
Another suitor keen to abseil down.
JULIET: By whose direction found’st
thou out this place?
ROMEO: By love, that first did prompt
me to inquire;
And then—the traffic being as sparse
as hairs
Upon a boyish chin—by Uber. Lovely
guy,
Who swore that every inch was sanitiz’d.
I gell’d my palms before I buckl’d up.
JULIET: Thou know’st the mask of
night is on my face,