The Big Issue - UK (2020-08-24)

FROM 24 AUGUST 2020 BIGISSUE.COM | 19

fne. My biggest fear growing up was people not liking me. But I’ve realised

now that it’s inevitable that some people are just not going to like you. And

I have to expect that and be strong about that, and own my own truth and

my own mistakes and try to learn from them.

I don’t like bullies, I’ve always stood up when I’ve seen other people

being bullied. But actually I’ve allowed myself to be bullied sometimes,

in my personal and professional life. Coming to work in America, it’s been

really strange. It’s been a really amazing hunting ground on the work front.

I’ve got on really well here. But one of the things I’ve had to get to grips with

is self-promotion, because people do that unashamedly over here. You

have to walk into a room and talk positively about yourself. The UK, I feel,

is culturally different. If someone goes into a room and bigs themselves up,

they’re seen as arrogant. I don’t know necessarily if it’s about arrogance. It’s

about backing yourself. That’s OK in America. In the UK it’s like you need

other people to affrm you.

My grandad just died. If I could have one last conversation with anyone

it would be him. He died just a few months ago and it was during the

lockdown so I couldn’t be there. He was 99, just a few months away from

being 100. There’s so many things I never talked to him about. He never

talked about the war because it was a deep sense of disturbance for him.

He was a Christian, and he didn’t take any pleasure in having to fght, even

though it was for the right reasons. So there was no recounting glorious

old war stories. I felt like he carried that burden of having to be involved in

conflict, and never talked about it.

He was the most wonderful person. And it was really strange, losing

that sort of fgurehead in my family, and not being able to be around him

at the time. My grandparents didn’t live in the same town as us, so when

they came to visit they stayed for about a week. It was so exciting, we were

spoiled and treated. My granddad would make people laugh and he was

just a really, really kind person, and really thought about other people.

Even to the extent that, when my mum came to pick him up from hospital

and told the nurse she was here for Arthur, the nurse’s face lit up. Because

this guy, who was 99 and struggling to breathe properly because his heart

was giving up, still made time to say please and thank you and “I’m so

grateful” to everyone who was looking after him. And I just kind of feel

like that’s a big part of who I am. And I was never able to properly say

goodbye to him.

If I could relive any time in my life... I have very fond, romantic memories

of my holidays when I was a kid, which is weird because I didn’t get on

an aeroplane until I was 21. We didn’t have a lot of money so we drove a

caravan around the UK. There was one place we used to go to every year

with our family and friends, which was a working farm in the Brecon

Beacons in Wales. We used to pitch up in this feld, then the kids from the

other families and I grabbed our bikes and just disappeared for the day. We

went to the river and built rope swings and dams, skimmed stones, all that

Enid Blyton stuff. That is a time I remember just feeling free and happy and

feeling just like, this is the most beautiful place in the world. I went back

there a few years ago, and it brought it all back. I still felt the same. That is

my happy place.

WHAT DID PAUL WHITEHOUSE, JARVIS COCKER AND

JULIA DONALDSON TELL THEIR YOUNGER SELVES?

All these and more in our incredible archive

bigissue.com/letter-to-my-younger-self

Season Five of Lucifer is on Netflix now

Interview: Jane Graham @Janeannie

1994

THE YEAR TOM

TURNS 16

• The Church of England
  ordains its first
  female priests


• Brazil win the
  Fifa World Cup for
  the fourth time


• Labour Party leader
  John Smith dies of a
  heart attack aged 55

Photography: Allegra Messina | @messinaphotos Styling: Warren Alfe Baker at The Wall Group | @warrenalfebaker Grooming: Lilly Keys at A-Frame using Dermalogica and Kiehl’s | @lilly_keys Producer: Jasmine Perrier | @jazzieperrier

FROM 24 AUGUST 2020 BIGISSUE.COM| 19

fne.My biggestfear growingupwas peoplenotlikingme.ButI’verealised

now thatit’s inevitablethatsomepeoplearejustnotgoingto likeyou. And

Ihavetoexpectthatand bestrongaboutthat, and own my own truth and

my own mistakesand try to learn from them.

I don’tlikebullies,I’vealwaysstoodupwhenI’veseenotherpeople

beingbullied.ButactuallyI’veallowedmyselfto bebulliedsometimes,

inmy personaland professionallife.Comingto work inAmerica, it’s been

really strange.It’s beenareally amazinghuntinggroundon thework front.

I’vegoton really wellhere.Butoneof thethingsI’vehad to getto gripswith

isself-promotion,becausepeopledothatunashamedly overhere.You

haveto walk into aroomand talkpositively aboutyourself. TheUK,Ifeel,

isculturallydifferent. Ifsomeonegoesinto aroomand bigsthemselvesup,

they’reseenasarrogant.Idon’t knownecessarilyifit’s aboutarrogance.It’s

aboutbackingyourself. That’sOK in America. In the UK it’s like you need

otherpeopleto affrmyou.

Mygrandadjustdied.IfIcouldhaveonelastconversationwithanyone

itwouldbehim.Hediedjustafewmonthsagoand itwas duringthe

lockdownsoIcouldn’tbethere.Hewas 99,justafewmonthsaway from

being100.There’ssomanythingsInevertalkedto himabout.Henever

talkedaboutthewar becauseitwas adeepsenseof disturbancefor him.

Hewas aChristian,and hedidn’ttakeany pleasureinhavingtofght,even

thoughitwas for therightreasons.So therewas norecountingglorious

oldwar stories. Ifeltlikehecarriedthatburdenof havingto beinvolvedin

conflict,and nevertalkedaboutit.

Hewas themostwonderfulperson. And itwas really strange,losing

thatsort offgurehead inmy family,and notbeingableto bearoundhim

atthetime.My grandparentsdidn’tliveinthesametown asus, sowhen

theycameto visittheystayedfor aboutaweek.It was soexciting,wewere

spoiled and treated. My granddad would make people laugh and he was

justareally, really kindperson, and really thoughtaboutotherpeople.

Evento theextentthat, whenmy mumcameto pickhimupfrom hospital

and told thenurseshewas herefor Arthur,thenurse’sfacelitup. Because

thisguy, whowas 99and strugglingto breatheproperly becausehisheart

was givingup, stillmadetimeto say pleaseand thankyou and “I’m so

grateful”toeveryonewhowas lookingafterhim.And Ijustkindof feel

likethat’sabigpart of who I am. And I was never able to properly say

goodbyeto him.

IfI couldreliveanytimeinmylife...Ihavevery fond, romanticmemories

of my holidayswhenIwas akid,whichisweird becauseIdidn’tgeton

an aeroplaneuntil Iwas 21.Wedidn’thavealotof moneysowedrovea

caravanaroundtheUK.Therewas oneplaceweusedto gotoevery year

withour familyand friends, whichwas aworkingfarm intheBrecon

BeaconsinWales. Weusedto pitch upinthisfeld,thenthekidsfrom the

otherfamiliesand Igrabbedour bikesand justdisappearedfor theday. We

wentto theriverand builtropeswingsand dams,skimmedstones, allthat

Enid Blytonstuff. That isatimeIrememberjustfeelingfreeand happyand

feelingjustlike,thisisthemostbeautifulplaceintheworld.Iwentback

thereafewyears ago, and it brought it all back. I still felt the same. That is

my happy place.

WHATDIDPAULWHITEHOUSE,JARVISCOCKERAND

JULIADONALDSONTELLTHEIRYOUNGERSELVES?

Alltheseandmoreinourincrediblearchive

bigissue.com/letter-to-my-younger-self

SeasonFiveofLuciferisonNetflixnow

Interview: Jane Graham @Janeannie

1994

THEYEARTOM

TURNS 16

• TheChurchofEngland
  ordainsitsfirst
  femalepriests


• Brazilwinthe
  FifaWorldCupfor
  thefourthtime


• LabourPartyleader
  JohnSmithdiesofa
  heart attack aged 55

Photography:Allegra Messina | @messinaphotosStyling:Warren Alfe Baker at The Wall Group | @warrenalfebakerGrooming:Lilly Keys at A-Frame using Dermalogica and Kiehl’s | @lilly_keysProducer:Jasmine Perrier | @jazzieperrier