30 | BIGISSUE.COM FROM 24 AUGUST 2020CULTURE |
BOOKS
W
hat do you think of Brexit – in or out? Police
stop and search – racist or reasonable? Face
masks in shops – on or off?
Regardless of ‘which side you are on’, the
focus should not be about insisting you are right and others
are wrong. Nor should complex issues be reduced to
a shouting match.
In our new book Rapport: The Four Ways to Read
People, we reveal the key to developing compassion
and understanding for one another. One of the four key
skills we discuss is managing conflict. The book draws
on some of the research conducted over the last 20 years
in some very extreme environments, including police
interviews with suspects. In these interactions conflict is
often inevitable. But elite interrogators have mastered the
following ‘HEAR’ principles to successfully navigate it:
Honesty. They don’t try and pretend they are the suspect’s
friend nor their enemy. They are objective, transparent about
their purpose, but not judgemental.REVIEW
In these divisive days, it’s helpful to use four
guiding principles to reach an understanding,
say Emily and Laurence AlisonIt’s good to talk
AUTHOR FEATURE
I
rish writer Donal Ryan has a series of highly acclaimed books
behind him, including his Booker longlisted (and should
have been shortlisted) 2018 novel, From a Low and Quiet Sea.
His reputation as an insightful and elegiac writer stands out
even among his fellow native warrior-poets. His latest work, Strange
Flowers, has, from the beginning, an even more deeply-felt tone
than its predecessors, with profound bass notes I wondered if I was
over-reading, until I found out more about the background of its
inspiration. This story of familial loss and discovery, disconnection
and reconnection was written in “a haze of shock and extreme grief”
three years ago, just after the death of Rya n’s father.
Set in Seventies rural Ireland, Strange Flowers begins with Paddy
and Kit, a contented, strongly religious couple shattered by the
disappearance of their beloved 20-year old daughter Moll. The
evocation of sadness and horror is perhaps unsurprisingly convincing
in the hands of a newly bereaved son. But what’s especially impressive
is the point at which Ryan’s experience ends and his empathetic
guesswork begins. The raw agony of endless whys and hows, the cruel
trickery of imaginative flights, the crests and falls of hope and terror,
the surrender to dull passivity interrupted by flares of optimistic
‘thumping hearts’ – these are the beautifully wrought phases of
inexplicable loss which bring Kit and Paddy into sharp relief.
When the prodigal Moll does turn up again, five years later, she
brings a new set of challenges with her. She has been in London, and
returns with a son, Josh, and his father, Alexander. Ryan works hard
to relay the experience of the young black Alexander moving into an
old-fashioned 1970s Irish community – the combination of curiosity,
suspicion and sheer clumsiness. But the most effective aspect of
his story is the increasingly close relationship he shares with Paddy,
despite the initial chasm of culture and social experience.
A pattern of generational shift (and its accompanying, often
overwhelming religious influences) is established, as the novel turns
its attention to young Josh; gentle, dreamy, naive: “a boy so loved he
thinks the world is love without end”. It is down to Ryan’s ability to
create compassion for his characters that it becomes excruciating
to read of things going wrong and scenes of togetherness being
torn apart. But the writing is so exquisite, the dialogue so authentic,
the sympathy so deep, that though taking on the slings and arrows
sometimes feels like an act of wilful masochism, there is no option but
to carry on alongside Josh and hope for good things. And hope and
hope and hope, amen.
Sarah Moss is another writer who has, to use common Cowell
parlance, absolutely nailed her chosen area of fictional prowess. Her
portraits of families under unnerving internal and external pressure,
as developed in recent novels The Tidal Zone and Ghost Wall, have
shown her to be an expert in depicting complex relationships in
suffocatingly oppressive atmospheres. Her new novel Summerwater
continues the trend; a small group of holidaymakers thrown together
in an isolated Scottish cabin park begin to jar rather than gel during
a long, dreich, rainy day. The sense of threat is as unnerving as it is
thrilling, with moments of humour punctuating the darkening mood.
As the fragile temporary community begins to unravel, Summerwater
develops into a delicious kind of Hitchcockian Anne Tyler story, which
is a decent description of Moss’s oeuvre in general. Masterful.@JaneannieStrange Flowers by Donal Ryan
is out now (Transworld, £12.99)
Summerwater by Sarah Moss
is out now (Pan Macmillan, £14.99)Finding hope
A culture clash in 1970s Ireland becomes
a tale of compassion, says Jane GrahamFROM 24 AUGUST 2020 BIGISSUE.COM | 31Many may be trivial and so should be let
go of, but if the issue is significant and needs
resolving then it is going to require a serious
discussion. So our advice is prepare.
If we operate on instinct, the model tells us
that arguments fuel themselves once they
start. Think about the principles of honesty,
empathy, autonomy and reflection. Build your
conversation around these and you are more
likely to achieve a resolution, connection and
an increased understanding.
Consider what you think you already know
about the other person’s view, but be sure to
check it using reflection: “So, if I understand
right you are saying...”
Respect their opinion, state yours but don’t
try to force yours as the superior alternative.
The more you try to convince the more this
will cement theirs.
Empathise fully: Don’t just put yourself
in their shoes, go the extra mile and use your
imagination – if you were a black young male
how might you feel if you were stopped and
searched (equally, imagine what it might
be like being a white female police officer
conducting a stop and search).
Be honest. It is perfectly fine to know your
bottom line and stick to it. Be firm not forceful,
mean what you say but don’t be mean when
you say it.
Of course, there are other forms of
communication that help us build connections
with others. But being skilled at managing
conflict is an underrated attribute in a society
that applauds or at least is fascinated by
punitive and mean-spirited approaches.
Such aggressive tactics lead to the
breakdown of relationships, loneliness and
social isolation.
Isolation is a key determinant of mental
health problems as well as physical illnesses.
Several studies have shown that profound
loneliness is even more destructive than being
overweight, smoking or drinking, and can
shave 10 years off our lives.
For months now we have all been living
apart. Let’s not lose some of the solidarity we
gained when we hunkered down and braced
for the worst. Recently we have started to
emerge to reconnect with one another.
The Bishop of Leeds, Nick Baines, writes
in a foreword to the largest survey since the
census to track how we feel as the UK comes
out of lockdown: “We are entering a period
of deep economic uncertainty, one that will
heighten existing inequalities and strain our
society further still.
“We must start to disagree better:
recognising and respecting our differences
while remembering our common humanity
and citizenship, with all the mutual obligations
these demand of us.”
Maintaining rapport with the people
who matter in our life has never been more
important. It is the shield that protects our
relationships and disagreeing better is one of
the four key skills.Rapport: The Four Ways to (^)
Read People by Emily Alison
and Laurence Alison is out now
(Vermilion, £14.99)
Empathy. They are professionally curious. That
includes showing an interest in core values of the
person across from them, even if they are different
to their own.
Autonomy. Provide the suspect with choices
where possible. Choice is even enshrined in the
legal right to silence. But, where a suspect wants to
talk they should be given that right too (yes, it’s not
up to the solicitor either as to whether or not the
suspect should talk).
Reflect and really listen. Learning to pull out
the important words and check meaning helps
others to feel understood, encourages them to
elaborate and builds connection.
In our research, we have found that rapport-
based methods substantially increase the yield
of evidence from suspects. Cops that get too
emotional or attached to their own view become
less and less interested in the truth. They stop
listening and that can lead to assumptions, over-
interpretations or to the suspect refusing to speak.
Apply that exact same idea to our relationships
with our nearest and dearest and it is a recipe
for disaster – it can lead to the dissolution of a
relationship that we dearly cared about.
As a husband and wife team who research,
write and train together as well as parent and run a
household we inevitably have arguments.
01
Geek Love
by Katherine Dunn
A beautiful grotesque, written in
descriptive prose. It’s the story
of the Binewski family, who
breed freaks in order to save their
travelling circus. The ultimate
outsider story, it deals with cults,
sexuality, beauty myths and family
feuds. Provocative and funny, it’s so
electric it crackles as you read.
02
The History of
the Circus
by Nicolas Bentley
A tiny book containing a
comprehensive history of the circus
from Roman gladiators to the 1970s,
with eight pages of sumptuous
circus art. A real gem.
03
Nights at the Circus
by Angela Carter
Oft en regarded as the ultimate
circus novel and labelled as magical
realism, the story of Fevvers the
aerialist is a quick-paced travelling
circus caper. Carter’s writing
is wicked and fierce and for all
its postmodern, postfeminist
overtones, full of fun.
04
Pablo Fanque’s
Circus Royal
by Miriam Elgon
A bewitching picture book full of
movement and life. Elgon shows
us around Britain’s first black
circus owner’s big top with
breathtaking illustrations and
hypnotic, simple prose.
05
Sideshow USA
by Rachel Adams
A fascinating exploration of the
social political dynamics of the
original American freakshow on
modern culture.
A Girl Made of Air
by Nydia
Hetherington is
out on September 3
(Quercus, £14.99)
Illustration:
Joseph Joyce
Nydia
Hetherington
Top 5
books set in
the circus
FROM 24 AUGUST 2020 BIGISSUE.COM | 31
Many may be trivial and so should be let
goof, butiftheissueissignificantandneeds
resolvingthenitisgoingtorequireaserious
discussion.So ouradviceisprepare.
If we operate on instinct, the model tells us
that arguments fuel themselves once they
start. Think about the principles of honesty,
empathy, autonomy and reflection. Build your
conversation around these and you are more
likely to achieve a resolution, connection and
an increased understanding.
Consider what you think you already know
about the other person’s view, but be sure to
check it using reflection: “So, if I understand
right you are saying...”
Respecttheiropinion,stateyoursbutdon’t
trytoforceyoursasthesuperioralternative.
Themoreyoutrytoconvincethemorethis
will cement theirs.
Empathise fully: Don’t just put yourself
in their shoes, go the extra mile and use your
imagination – if you were a black young male
how might you feel if you were stopped and
searched (equally, imagine what it might
be like being a white female police officer
conducting a stop and search).
Be honest. It is perfectly fine to know your
bottom line and stick to it. Be firm not forceful,
mean what you say but don’t be mean when
you say it.
Of course, there are other forms of
communication that help us build connections
with others. But being skilled at managing
conflict is an underrated attribute in a society
thatapplaudsoratleastisfascinatedby
punitiveandmean-spiritedapproaches.
Suchaggressivetacticsleadtothe
breakdownofrelationships, lonelinessand
socialisolation.
Isolationisakeydeterminantofmental
healthproblemsaswellasphysical illnesses.
Several studieshaveshownthatprofound
lonelinessisevenmoredestructivethanbeing
overweight,smokingordrinking,andcan
shave 10 yearsoffourlives.
Formonthsnow wehaveallbeenliving
apart.Let’snotlosesomeofthesolidaritywe
gainedwhenwehunkereddownandbraced
fortheworst.Recentlywehavestartedto
emergetoreconnectwithoneanother.
TheBishopofLeeds, Nick Baines, writes
ina forewordtothelargestsurveysincethe
censustotrack how wefeelastheUKcomes
outoflockdown:“Weareenteringaperiod
ofdeepeconomicuncertainty,onethatwill
heightenexistinginequalitiesandstrainour
societyfurtherstill.
“Wemuststarttodisagreebetter:
recognisingandrespectingourdifferences
whilerememberingourcommonhumanity
andcitizenship, withallthemutualobligations
thesedemandofus.”
Maintainingrapportwiththepeople
whomatterinourlifehasneverbeenmore
important.Itistheshieldthatprotectsour
relationshipsanddisagreeingbetterisoneof
thefour keyskills.
Rapport:TheFourWaysto
Read People by Emily Alison
and Laurence Alison is out now
(Vermilion, £14.99)
Empathy. They are professionally curious. That
includes showing an interest in core values of the
person across from them, even if they are different
to their own.
Autonomy. Provide the suspect with choices
where possible. Choice is even enshrined in the
legal right to silence. But, where a suspect wants to
talk they should be given that right too (yes, it’s not
up to the solicitor either as to whether or not the
suspect should talk).
Reflect and really listen. Learning to pull out
the important words and check meaning helps
others to feel understood, encourages them to
elaborate and builds connection.
In our research, we have found that rapport-
based methods substantially increase the yield
of evidence from suspects. Cops that get too
emotional or attached to their own view become
less and less interested in the truth. They stop
listening and that can lead to assumptions, over-
interpretations or to the suspect refusing to speak.
Apply that exact same idea to our relationships
with our nearest and dearest and it is a recipe
for disaster – it can lead to the dissolution of a
relationship that we dearly cared about.
As a husband and wife team who research,
write and train together as well as parent and run a
household we inevitably have arguments.
01
Geek Love
byKatherineDunn
A beautiful grotesque, written in
descriptive prose. It’s the story
of the Binewski family, who
breed freaks in order to save their
travelling circus. The ultimate
outsider story, it deals with cults,
sexuality, beauty myths and family
feuds. Provocative and funny, it’s so
electric it crackles as you read.
02
The History of
theCircus
byNicolasBentley
A tiny book containing a
comprehensive history of the circus
from Roman gladiators to the 1970s,
with eight pages of sumptuous
circusart.A real gem.
03
NightsattheCircus
byAngelaCarter
Oft enregarded as theultimate
circusnovel and labelled asmagical
realism,thestoryof Fevvers the
aerialistis aquick-paced travelling
circuscaper. Carter’s writing
is wicked and fierce and for all
its postmodern, postfeminist
overtones, full of fun.
04
Pablo Fanque’s
CircusRoyal
byMiriamElgon
A bewitching picture book full of
movement and life. Elgon shows
us around Britain’s first black
circus owner’s big top with
breathtaking illustrations and
hypnotic, simple prose.
05
Sideshow USA
byRachelAdams
A fascinating exploration of the
social political dynamics of the
original American freakshow on
modern culture.
A Girl Made of Air
by Nydia
Hetherington is
out on September 3
(Quercus, £14.99)
Illustration:
Joseph Joyce
Nydia
Hetherin ton
Top 5
books setin
the circus