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PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY 731REMARKS
ey there! It’s me, the stock market. I know
’s weird to write you like this, but I felt like I
eded to drop a quick thank-you note for every-
ngyou’ve done for me this year. I mean, your
balance sheet is almost $3 trillion larger since
rch! You’re backing up the truck and loading
suries and corporate bonds and bond ETFs,
alltokeep thecompetition to stocks from fixed-income
yieldsaslimitedas Jim Cramer’s understanding of me. It’s
been a dream come true, honestly. I mean, fess up: Have
you been reading my diary?!
Maybe you’ve noticed, but everything else is a royal mess.
Covid-19 is still killing people. Parents are dreading the
beginning of “school.” U.S. unemployment is still above 10%,
higher than it’s been since the 1980s. The country is facing
the biggest economic contraction in its history. Corporate
profits are plunging. The recession is forecast to continue
at least through the first quarter of next year. And me? I’m
soaring! Have you seen these record highs I’ve been setting?
To be honest with you, it’s getting kind of wild—and
I’ve seen plenty of weirdness before. I’m more popular
with sports fans than March Madness! Of course, there
was no March Madness this year, so that’s not really a fair
comparison, kind of like comparing my dividend payouts to
yields in the bond market. Amirite, or amirite? LOL!
But I’m not kidding when I say things are getting REALLY
weird. Have you heard of Dave Portnoy, aka Davey Day
Trader, yet? He was just some middling internet celebrityit’
nee
thin
big ol’
early Ma
it with Tre
alltokeep th