THENEWYORKER,SEPTEMBER14, 2020 25
SHOUTS & MURMURS
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
Dear Moderators,
I see that, according to your pri-
vacy policy, I have to inform you via
letter of my intention to “opt out” of
certain services.
I would like to opt out of any pub-
lic displays of my home address. I would
like to opt out of “extend fertility!” and
related advertising. I would like to opt
out of anything “one-tap.” I would like
to opt out of photo-sharing with any
company that uses “before” and “after”
images. I would like to opt out of cou-
pons for five hundred dollars off a ser-
vice called Renew, whose ads feature a
woman with red silk draped over her
nude body. I would like to opt out of
Social Security-number sharing with
organizations that rehabilitate people
who have been acquitted of identity
theft. I would like to opt out of location-
matching with U.S.-military drone tech-
nology. I would like to opt out of camera-
access agreements with realgirlrealporn
and its affiliates. I would like to opt out
of search-history sharing with Dina
Lohan’s new singles app.
I would like to opt out of any and
all news alerts related to Mitch Mc-
Connell; the President of the United
States; any headline with the word
“tweet” in any form; Shia LaBeouf, un-
less he’s opening an all-girls’ school for
young directors; blood plasma; “in-
fluencers”; North Korea; any headline
with the words “fire,” “burn,” “raging,”
or “unsustainable levels.”
I would like to opt out of respond-
ing to texts asking me to come over
and help with crafting projects. I would
like to opt out of intergenerational bad-
minton tournaments. I would like to
opt out of the question “So, what’ve
you been up to?” I would like to opt
out of peeling garlic. I would like to
opt out of the use of the word “around”
in place of “about.” I would like to opt
out of receiving photographs of the
dead squirrel that my parents found in
their fireplace. I would like to opt out
of any office event promoted as “fun.”
I would like to opt out of hearing more
than one Maroon 5 song a year. I would
like to opt out of showering.
I would like to opt out of partici-
pating in or listening to block-associ-
ation carolling. I would like to opt out
of seeing Pete Buttigieg’s face. I would
like to opt out of e-mails that begin
“Dear All.” I would like to opt out of
body hair. I would like to opt out of
remembering any time someone says
to me, “Hey, this would be a great kar-
aoke song! Remind me the next time
we go.” I would like to opt out of scarves
getting stuck in my coat zipper. I would
like to opt out of “corporate athlete” as
a concept. I would like to opt out of
caring about the tech industry. I would
like to opt out of destination-wedding
attendance. I would like to opt out of
funeral attendance. I would like to opt
out of the death of loved ones.
I would like to opt out of canker
sores; mysterious particles in my eye;
dehydration; hangovers; hangnails;
too-short nails; any illness ending in
“-itis,” “-oma,” “-ia,” or “-us”; sunburns
on the tops of my feet; pins and nee-
dles in my legs; bloating; underwear
that’s too narrow at the crotch; patches
of skin that are inexplicably dryer than
the skin around them; light menstru-
ation; heavy menstruation; any men-
struation; and childbirth. I would like
to opt out of tiny strips of boogers hang-
ing from my nose.
I would like to opt out of frown
lines, laugh lines, smile lines, and crow’s-
feet. I would like to opt out of aging.
I would like to opt out of death. I would
like to opt out of cremation and/or
burial. I would like to opt out of re-
ceiving a eulogy that any listener would
describe later, over tiny quiches, as
“funny,” unless the eulogizer was quot-
ing me. I would like to opt out of Hell,
if it exists, and Purgatory, if that exists,
and Heaven, if it’s repetitive.
I would like to opt out of reading
privacy policies. I would like to opt out
of clicking “I have read the terms and
conditions” about pages of type that I
couldn’t pay attention to if I did read
them. I would like to opt out of opt-
ing out. I would like to already be opted
out. But, barring that, I would like to
opt out of taxes.
OPT OUT
BY CORAFRAZIER
