Time September 21/September 28, 2020Essay
ically different, and in the case of track
and field, that boys are better. I refused
to have our family participate.
The experience was disappointing, if
not unexpected. When I was pregnant,
I would dream up hypothetical situations
with cruel pediatricians refusing to use
they/them pronouns and flight atten-
dants treating Zoomer like a stereotype
and anxiously think through how I would
react to these circumstances. I was afraid
that my family members might be so ner-
vous about accidentally using a gendered
pronoun for Zoomer, so nervous about
offending me, that they would distance
themselves from us.
But for the most part, the past four
years have not been filled with tears and
strife (at least no more tears than you’d
find in any home of a young child and tired
parents). Our life looks remarkably like a
lot of other families’ lives, filled with joy
and affirmation. And color. Lots of color.
When people think of gender- neutral,
their minds often go to a grayish beige,
potato- hued color palette. But we don’t
dress Zoomer in burlap sacks, or only
give them toys the color of Wheat Thins.
We give them options, and they thought-
fully pick what they like the most. For a
while, Zoomer’s favorite color was pink;in the Mormon church, and it took a long
time for me to untangle myself from the
conditioning that the only things I should
want (and could be good at) were mar-
riage and motherhood.
I could see the trail of bread crumbs.
How gender inequalities get their start in
childhood. How girls do more chores than
boys and are paid less allowance. How kids
are dressed in shirts that say sorry boys,
daddy says i can’T daTe unTil i’m 30,
yet when a child says they’re gay, they’re
told they’re too young to know that. How
girls are discouraged from running for stu-
dent government. How boys are discour-
aged from playing with dolls. How queer
and trans youth are kicked out of their
homes. People have asked me to prove
that gender- creative parenting will have
positive outcomes. I double- dog dare
someone to prove that hypergendered
childhood is a roaring success.
Kids fare better in environments
where they are accepted for who they
are. The negative outcomes that are
often experienced by queer and trans
youth are mitigated by supportive fam-
ilies and friends. Parents take precau-
tions to keep their children healthy and
safe by enrolling them in swim lessons,
teaching them to stay away from fire and
cutting food into tiny pieces. Holding
space for the possibility a child might be
trans or nonbinary or queer is also pre-
ventive care.
The goal of gender- creative parent-
ing is not to eliminate gender— the goal
is to eliminate gender- based oppression,
disparities and violence. The aim isn’t to
create a genderless world; it’s to contrib-
ute to a genderfull one. We as a society
have an opportunity to shake up child-
hood gender socialization in a way that
creates more healthy and equitable adult-
hoods for everyone. What have we got to
lose? The patriarchy? Good riddance.The summer before I was pregnant,
I noticed a young sprinTs Track meeT
banner fastened to the chain-link fence of
the local high school. I can’t wait till I have
a little one who can run in that! I thought.
Three years later, I left that track meet
in tears after I found out that despite as-
surances to the contrary, the 2- and
3-year-old girls would run in different
heats than the boys. “I not running?”
Zoomer asked as we drove away. I felt ter-
rible for leaving. Zoomer just wanted to
run. But I also would have felt terrible if I
had stayed. It is these moments that plant
the seeds that boys and girls are dramat-February 2016Halloween 2016March 2016 Father’s Day 2017