THENEWYORKER,SEPTEMBER21, 2020 31
SHOUTS & MURMURS
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
“Too much steel.”
—A one-star Yelp review of the Eiffel Tower.
I dunno. I heard a lot about this place,
and everyone seems to love it, but the
clouds are too soft—you could break an
ankle if you had bones—and, granted,
the peach cobbler (which everyone raves
about) is perfect, but how much peach
cobbler can you eat, really?
Smaller than I imagined. Also bigger
than I imagined.
Let me preface this by saying, I love
God. I mean, God’s perfect. And IMHO
that’s what makes Heaven so disap-
pointing. Because you think, like, God.
You know? What could be better than
that? Nothing. Of course. So, yeah, big
letdown.
Could use a lot more sensitivity with
the intake procedures. Everyone’s, like,
“We’re all so happy, we’re bathed in
God’s grace for eternity, tra-la-la.” I just
died, man. Have a little compassion.
I would be giving this place five stars
except for one angel who was really
rude to me. My harp needed to be re-
strung, but he said, “Whatever sound
you make here, it’s perfect.” I told
him that it was my harp and I should
know when it needs new strings, and
then he said (this really killed me, no
pun intended), “Nothing need ever be
new again. It’s all new forever.” With
a big smile on his face. Can you be-
lieve the nerve? So condescending and
disrespectful.
I really wanted condor wings.
I feel kinda bad about the one star,
but I guess it was just way overhyped
to me, and when I got here I took one
look at the clouds and the angels and
everyone in white gowns and thought,
“Really?” It’s such a cliché.
At first, it was a total rush hanging out
with my idols, shvitzing with Churchill,
playing foosball with Shakespeare, etc.
But then they started getting on my
nerves. Einstein has this nervous tic
where he says “Ja?” at the end of every
sentence, and Jesus often sits quietly for
hours, not saying anything, even when
I know he knows the answers during
Trivia Night. Much more impressive
in books and on TV, that’s for sure.
I’m only giving one star because no stars
is not an option. Right from the start, it
seemed really unorganized. I worked my
entire life in event planning, and, trust
me, they could all do with some addi-
tional training. When I arrived, they
just showed me in, no registration or
anything, and it was like I was left on
my own to figure out eternity. I went
up to one angel and said, “So what do
we do here?,” and she said, “Whatever
you want,” which is really no answer at
all when you think about it.
Not a fan of the pearly-white color
scheme.
I thought the whole point of this place
was to be together with your dead loved
ones, but when I got here my dead
loved ones were busy hanging out with
Shakespeare and Churchill and Tallu-
lah Bankhead. They should really or-
ganize it better so that families stay to-
gether and don’t have to compete with
every famous dead person who ever
lived. And God.
I really wish I could give this a five-
star rating, but my experience here is
complicated. The place itself is contro-
versial (we’d heard all kinds of weird
stuff about who got in and who went
to Hell instead), though honestly it
doesn’t feel like an “honor” or whatever
to be here. It feels completely natural—
which I think is part of the problem.
Shouldn’t it feel weirder? Since it’s an
exclusionary afterlife that I’m guessing
some pretty decent souls have been left
out of? During life, I fought against
exclusive policies and clubs and secret
societies, and it seems like this is the
mother of them all.
Scary for kids.
What a farce! I’m a churchgoing Chris-
tian who prayed every day of her adult
life, then I get here and find the place
overrun with seemingly anyone who
didn’t kill a million people. Sorry, Sta-
lin, Hitler, and Pol Pot—you’re not wel-
come here. But apparently for everyone
else it’s “Come on in!” Yesterday, I saw
Al Goldstein. Ugh.
Really, really boring. Trust me: no one
wants to feel good all the time. Prefer
the mix of experiences at the other place,
to be honest. If you haven’t checked it
out, you definitely should. Down there,
you call the shots instead of just being
one of God’s happy tools. Tempted?
Then you’re already on your way. And
please... write a review.
ONE-STAR YELP REVIEWS
OF HEAVEN
BY J AY MARTEL
