New York Magazine - USA (2020-09-14)

42 newyork| september14–27, 2020

In 2009,thefirmlauncheda newadcampaign:“Whenasked
whichlawfirmthey wouldhireintheeventofanaccidentin-
volvinginjury, 4 outof5 WesternNewYorkerschoseCellino&
Barnesoverallotherlawfirms,”readthecopy, followedbya list
ofrecentsuccesses.ForCellino,it drovehomehowfarthefirm
hadcome.“Y earsago wedidnothavetheassets toflauntandwe
triedhardtoflauntthoseattributesbycarefullychoosingour
words,”hesaidinanemailtoBarnesandCiambellaat thetime.
They werefinallylivinguptotheirownhype.
Thefirmhadopeneda Rochesterofficein2000,butnowthings
werereallypickingup.AnofficeinMelville,onLongIsland,came
in2008.ThenGardenCity. Andthenthehuge movetoNewYork
Cityin 20 10.In 2012,thefirmboughta new phonenumber:800-
888-8888.It cost $1.8million.By 20 16,Cellino& Barneswasspend-
ing$12.6milliona yearonadvertising.Thenextyear, thefirm
bought45,000televisioncommercialsand15,000radioads a
month,accordingtocourtfilings.Therewere 600 billboardsand
busshelters,too,nottomentiontheinternetmarketing.Theresult
wasmorethan55,000intakecallsa yearfromprospectiveclients.
Competitorsclaimthat any firmfieldingsucha huge volume of
callscannotpossiblymaximizesettlementsforeveryrun-of-the-mill
client.ButCellino& Barnesdevelopeda structuretoefficientlypro-
cessallthecasesandincentivizethelawyerswhohandledthem.
Eachofthefirm’s 60-oddattorneyswasbasicallyanindependent
operator.Newattorneysstartedwitha salary butwereexpected to
movequicklytopaybasedmainly—orentirely—ona percentage of
thefeestheybroughtin.
TheformerCellino& BarnesattorneysI spoke withgenerally
lovedthefirmandareproudoftheirtimewithit.Manylawyers
stayedthereforyears.Thechief motivationwasclear:Youcould
makea lotofmoney. “WhenI firstwentin,they didn’t have to
sellme.I knewI wantedtoworkthere,” oneformerstaffattorney
says.“Butthey bringoutthebookshowingwhat everybody
madetheyearbefore,andyou’relike,Holyfuck.Theseguysare
making300,400, 700 [thousanddollars].It ’s a prettyunique

possibilityinthecontextofa personal-injury law firm.”

Thelawyersonstaffsplitupthecalendar. Ontheirassignedintake

day, they answeredallthecalls—alawyerwouldactuallypickupthe

phoneaftera quickscreen—andbasicallykeptallthecasesthat

happenedto comein.They couldbevaluable;they couldbedogshit.

Numbersavailableforthefirstninemonthsof 2015 showthat

ofthenearly1,900settlementsthefirmreached,themedian

valuewasjust $20,000—meaningtheclientwouldget$13, 333

(minuscosts)andthefirmjust $6,666.Themoreexperienced

at torneysgota cutof 10 to 20 percent,andthelion’s shareofthe

feeswenttothefirm.Thevastmajority ofitsrevenue, 77 per-

cent,camefromjust 20 percentofthecases.Forthetop 25

cases,themediansettlementwas$1million.Bigmoney comes

onlyfromtherarebiginjuries.

“We would consider a ‘leg off ’ case”—in which somebody liter-

ally loses a leg in an accident—“to be a valuable case. I’m just using

that as an example,” says another former staff attorney. “There

could be days when only b.s. slip-and-fall cases come in and you

had a bad day on intake, or you could have a day whereyou get

two amazing cases against a corporate defendant. It’s just com-

plete luck who called that day.”

The more time you put in, the more you were likely to make.

“It’s a volume business,” the former staff attorney says. “You

make however much you want to, really, depending on how hard

you want to work.” Some attorneys at Cellino & Barnes were

shouldering as many as 200 cases at any given moment, com-

pared to an average of 30 to 70 cases at a more typical personal-

injury firm.

Stephen Daniels, a senior research professor at the American

Bar Foundation, says there’s a reason firms that advertise take on

so many small cases. “You can use that to generate the income to

cover your overhead,” he told me. “That’s going to be run-of-the-

mill stuff: dog bites, slip and fall, car crash. And that may allow

you to then handle some higher-end litigation that’s riskier to do,

more expensive to do, but could lead to a much higher award or

settlement.” Only a handful of firms operate this way, usually just

a couple in each geographic area. “Plaintiffs’ firms never have a

long life. It’s a very risky business.”

But despite its eat-what-you-kill ethos, attorneys say Cellino &

Barnes was still, weirdly, a genial place. “There’s a lot ofBuffalo

culture at the firm, where everybody is very nice, very polite, very

Canadian,” says one. The firm itself was hyperorganized, with

apps for the attorneys and a dedicated team in Buffalo that helps

prepare legal drafts. Analytics were plentiful. Competitors, even

those who think the firm fails to work cases hard enough, concede

that Cellino & Barnes had some very talented lawyers.

But a law firm based almost entirely on advertising is also one

that can flirt with the exploitation of vulnerable groups. After

all, these clients are people who choose their lawyers based on a

television ad or a billboard. As one of the firm’s outsidelawyers

said in federal court, “Personal-injury clients, not tobelittle

A Photoshoppedimageof

ParisandNicky Hilton

postedonTwitterin 2017.

Alex Moffatt and Kyle Mooney appear as

MichaelBreen and David Cellino and Barnes on SNL in March 2019.

Rafailedescreated and starred

in theOff Broadway play

Cellinov. Barnes in July 2019.

The erotic Cellino &

Barnes fan art you

never wanted.

➽

AND

POP-CULTURE

FODDER

“ When people would call

me and say, ‘Well, that guy

got $500,000,’ I’d say,

‘But did you see below his

waist? He had no legs.’ ”