UPFROnT
8
UNDER FIREIf you thought that games
behind closed doors might prevent
Galatasaray fans from acting like utter
nutters, you were very wrong.
Gala’s ultras remain undeterred by
a pandemic and nationwide stadium
ban – when their team took on rivals
Fenerbahce, they came up with new
ways to make their presence known.
Given that the Turk Telekom Stadium
is a huge two-tiered arena, that plan
involved attaching some parachutes
to flares, then using some sort of rocket
launcher to fire them high into the air
from outside the ground. One rained
down on the pitch mid-match, to the
bemusement of defender Marcao.
What next, gatecrashing the main
entrance with a tank? Actually, it’s
probably best not to give them ideas.ONE TEAM IN RIPDORFBy now, you’ve probably
heardthe jokes about defences social
distancing from their opponents, after
they’ve shipped six goals against Spurs
or seven against Aston Villa.
But in Germany, that was genuinely
what happened when Ripdorf faced
Holdenstedt in a reserve match.
Holdenstedt players had come into
contact with someone who’d tested
positive for coronavirus, and although
the whole squad came back negative,
Ripdorf were concerned about safety.
Knowing they’d be fined €200 if they
refused to play, Ripdorf fielded seven
players, kicked off, then walked over to
the side of the pitch. Holdenstedt won
37-0 – onlookers said the non-existent
defending reminded them of Fulham’s
early-season fixtures.4
ROCK ON, TOMMYA US-based Dane has taken
over League One club Charlton – and
he’s clearly very excited about it.
Thomas Sandgaard is the founder of
Zynex, a company that makes medical
devices, but also describes himself as
a ‘rock and roll businessman’. After all,
what could be more rock and roll than
producing medical equipment?
Sandgaard is the guitarist in a band
called The Guardian Angel; fans will
certainly be hoping he’s the Addicks’
guardian angel, following a torrid few
years. He celebrated completing the
takeover by whipping out his guitar,
and has even targeted taking the club
as far as the Champions League.
Just the Championship will probably
do for now...3
“ARE YOU WATCHING,
BOURNEMOUTH?”Plentyhas changed this year, but one
constant remains: Kazuyoshi Miura is
still playing football.
‘King Kazu’ has officially become the
oldest player to feature in a top-flight
J.League fixture, after turning out for
Yokohama against Kawasaki Frontale
aged 53. He’s older than Jurgen Klopp,
and 13 other managers who started
the Premier League season.
Miura had a trial with Bournemouth
in 1999 and has been at Yokohama for
15 years – less than half of his career,
which began way back in 1732.
Whenallhumans are finally wiped
out,expect Miura to be the only one
l ft amely trying to organise a match
bunch of turtles. Or something.y
ofhavinga statueintheirhonour–
but foronepoorsapinBrixton,it
was definitely more of a nightmare.
After coming bottom of his pals’
Fantasy Premier League table last
term, Chris Talbot had to fulfil the
ultimate forfeit: by painting himself
gold and then standing in the high
street, on a plinth bearing the words
‘Loser, Fantasy Football 2019-20’.
The Spurs fan posed in various
locations outside Tube stations
in Brixton and Clapham, while his
mates all popped down the pub.
Thankfully, he looked more like
Andriy Shevchenko than Zlatan
Ibrahimovic, otherwise a load
of Malmo fans might have turned
up and tried to saw his nose off.
9
“I CALL THIS ROBERT
LEWAN-BEER-SKI”Aside from the whole pandemic thing,
it’s been a fantastic year for Thomas
Muller – not only did he help Bayern
Munich clinch the Champions League,
he also swept the internet in his new
role as a stand-up comedian.
Sadly, his most well-honed zinger –
‘Robert Lewan-goal-ski, you know...
Robert Lewan-goal-ski?’ – can create
awkward silence in even the noisiest
of rooms. His stand-up tour has gone
behind closed doors – not for safety,
just because no one turned up.
You can’t keep a good man down,
though: he’s since moved on to beer
tasting, at Bayern’s sponsor’s day with
Paulaner. The whole squad were in
attendance, but legged it as soon as
Muller looked like he might tell a joke.5
“GET BREXIT DONE”For some time, the animal
kingdom have been plotting an attack
on football. This month, they struck.
First, a snake invaded the pitch at
Romanian top-tier club Botosani, then
a macaw swooped on a Brazil Women
training session and plonked itself on
defender Bruna Benites’ head.
But they were both the prelude to the
main event: an alpaca charging across
the field in the West Yorkshire League.
The camelid halted play at Carlton vs
Ilkley Town – the one pictured above
bears an uncanny likeness to Boris
Johnson and the alpaca was similarly
evasive, refusing to leave the pitch or
take any responsibility for its actions.
It’s one rule for alpacas, and another
rule for everyone else.2 33
LION’S PRIDEIf you’re looking to earn
a big transfer, what’s the best way of
putting yourself in the shop window?
By getting a massive lion tattooed
on the back of your head, obviously.
Uruguayan goalkeeper Sebastian
Sosa did exactly that, unveiling the
bizarre inking on Instagram. “It’s not
simply an image, it’s synonymous
with courage, force and value,” he
said of the gigantic tattoo. It’s also
synonymous with being a lunatic.
Sosa once played for Boca Juniors
and Velez Sarsfield, but had been in
Mexico recently with Mazatlan. Days
afterunveilingtheartwork,hegot
a bigmovebacktoArgentinawith
I d di t M b l ti left,ga
with a
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justwhatththeyeywerwerele lookookiinggffor.
FourFourTwo November 2020 13