UPFROnT
InterviewNickMooreIllustrationBillMcConkeyASK A SILLY QUESTIOn
“POInTLESSWASCRAZY –
THEYSERVED US ALCOHOLAT
11AM.WELOSTTOJEDWARD”
It combines two of the dullest things
in the world: school and museums.
Imagine being on a school trip and
ending up there. You’d be raging...
I don’t agree, I think it might be quite
interesting. I’ll go there whenever I’m
next in Hitchin! I watched an Italian TV
series that had a lot of school scenes in
it, and it made me reminisce. I’d like to
see all the old desks and blackboards.
Hitchin is based between Luton and
Milton Keynes. To which of these two
hellholes would you banish enemies?
Neither. I’d send them to London! I’ve
never found a city that takes so much
from you – energy, money, strength.
I found it unbearable. It’s not my city.
Fair enough. Now, you wear the best
shirts in punditry. Where do you get
them from? It’s not Luton. Do you
have a huge walk-in wardrobe filled
with magnificent shirts of every hue?
I’ve got three walk-in wardrobes! I’m
an awful shopper, but I found a brand,
Guide London, and like everything they
do. Every three months I get their new
catalogue and buy 20 things – it’s like
Christmas. More people need to wear
interesting shirts on TV, as I’m fed up
with suits. My battle with LaLigaTV has
been to break the dress code.
You appeared on Pointless Celebrities.
Do you feel it’s pushing it a bit to call
you a ‘celebrity’?
It is! Apart from Ossie Ardiles, who won
the World Cup, we weren’t too famous.
It was crazy – they served us alcohol at
11am before filming, and some people
drank four glasses. We lost to Jedward,
and I believe they’d been up all night.
Finally, we always think of you when
Guillain-Barré Syndrome, a nerve
disorder, is mentioned. What would
Guillem Balagué Syndrome affect?
You’d be really clumsy and do things
at the wrong time. I once confused the
Princess of Spain with somebody else
and spoke to her until I was moved on
by her security men. That kind of thing.
Thanks for chatting!
Cheers.See Guillem Balagué on LaLigaTV – Sky
channel 435 – from £5.99 per monthThe LaLigaTV pundit and all-round dandy chats Hitchin museums... and settles Messi vs Maradona
Hello Guillem. You’ve written a book
on Lionel Messi, so is there anything
he’s really useless at? We’re thinking
Mr Bean territory, completely inept...
Hello. Maybe speaking English? He has
tried, and I don’t think it’s a language
he’ll ever master. But generally, Leo is
one of those kind of hateful kids that
can play any sport very well. He’s even
a good goalkeeper, despite being short.
Let’s settle Messi vs Maradona. Who
would be better at hide and seek?
I reckon Diego would be much better.
He’s got a stylish ability to deceive as
part of his DNA.
Tree climbing?
Maradona again. He has an aura. He’d
somehow distract Leo, and be up the
tree before the race had even begun.
Cooking a roast dinner?
Hmm. I think this is going to be a draw.
They are both really good at cooking
asado, which is the Argentine version,
although they’ve both got someone to
do it for them now.
Navigating a barge through a lock on
the Grand Union Canal?
Maradona again! He has the Argentine
trait that you’d call being a petrolhead.
He’s excellent with machines, cars and
lorries, so he’d manage a barge better.
Selling cleaning items door to door –
shammy leathers, mops and so forth?
Oh, definitely Maradona. By a long way.
He’d make you buy anything. He’d also
sell you the bag and his jacket. He’d be
brilliant at that. Messi would get bored
after a while.
A sweep for Maradona, then. In your
face Messi! Now, if the internet is to
be believed you live in Hitchin, home
of the British Schools Museum. Have
you ever been?
I currently live in Manchester, but I did
live in Hitchin. I’m sorry to say I didn’t
go to the museum.
GUILLEM ‘SHIRTY’ BALAGUÉ
18 November 2020 FourFourTwo