THE NEW YORK TIMES, SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2020 ST 11Vows
On the day of Kate Armitage and Eric de
Grandmont’s wedding, she trimmed his un-
ruly eyebrows in the bathroom. Later, he
buckled the glittery straps of her chunky-
heel sandals while they sat together on the
couch. The couple exchanged playful ban-
ter while getting ready as if they had shared
a home for years, but they have never spent
more than a week together in a single
stretch. Their homes are 600 miles apart in
different countries, separated by a closed
border during the coronavirus pandemic.
Mr. de Grandmont, 39, flew from Quebec
to reunite with Ms. Armitage, 35, in Moores-
town, N.J., just days before their nuptials.
Travel from the United States to Canada is
limited because of pandemic precautions,
so the pair had not been together for six
months. Canadians can spend time in the
United States but are required to quaran-
tine for two weeks upon return. Mr. de
Grandmont is a grocery manager at
Loblaws, a major chain there. For this trip,
he used three weeks of vacation just to
spend one week with Ms. Armitage.
Mr. de Grandmont said that enduring an-
other long separation after this trip could
have been tolerable if they knew when the
lockdown would be lifted, but the uncer-
tainty of the pandemic makes that date im-
possible to predict. “You shouldn’t need a
piece of paper to demonstrate who your
family is,” he said, “but I didn’t know how
else to manage the situation.”
A marriage certificate affords Ms. Ar-
mitage the right to visit her husband in Que-
bec, and her remote job as an insurance
agent for American Income Life Insurance
offers her the flexibility to quarantine with-
out taking time off from work. Although the
pair knew they would get married eventu-
ally, Mr. de Grandmont had called Ms. Ar-
mitage just a few days before his flight to
propose.
It’s not unusual for the couple to have vul-
nerable conversations on the phone,
because their relationship has always been
long distance. It started where interna-
tional borders are obsolete — on the
internet.
Ms. Armitage encountered Mr. de Grand-
mont when she began playing Final Fan-
tasy, a online role-playing video game, to de-
compress during a stressful time in her life.
In March 2019, they joined the same alli-
ance, a team that works together during
battles and includes a friendly agreement
not to impede each member’s progress in
the game. But Mr. de Grandmont attacked
an enemy base Ms. Armitage was trying to
conquer, taking all the points from the win.
“I did all the work, and he took all the
glory,” she said.
After Ms. Armitage roasted him in the
chat, Mr. de Grandmont apologized and
then invited her to a Discord server where
gamers enjoy community outside the fan-
tasy realm. Within a week, they were tex-
ting every day. Because players choose ava-
tars and screen names that uphold ano-
nymity, they connected on social media to
confirm they were truthful about their iden-
tities. Daily check-ins evolved into nightly
calls where they laughed about cultural dif-
ferences and accents, discussed parent-
hood and vented about life’s stressors.
Ms. Armitage was not seeking a new ro-
mance during the early stages of their rela-
tionship, as she was seven years into her
first marriage and just beginning a personal
journey to address debilitating mental
health concerns. “For years, I couldn’t do
anything — go to the store, make a phone
call — because my depression and anxiety
was so bad,” she said.
She said that her former husband, whom
she married in 2011, didn’t understand. “I
just felt really alone,” she said.
At the end of 2018, she made an appoint-
ment with a psychiatrist and was pre-
scribed medication that provided her with
the clarity she needed. She believed her
marriage would improve, but it continued to
deteriorate. “It just wasn’t the same mar-
riage anymore,” she said.
Mr. de Grandmont offered affirmation
and acceptance as she learned to speak
more freely about her anxiety and depres-
sion. He encouraged her to continue her
medication, go to counseling, find hobbies
that bring her joy, and reach out whenevershe needed support. “This is something I’ve
dealt with throughout my life, too,” he said.
Ms. Armitage admitted her emotional af-
fair to her husband and she decided to
pause contact with Mr. de Grandmont to
work on her marriage.
“She owed it to her ex to try again,” Mr. de
Grandmont said.
But the marriage would not be revived.
Mr. de Grandmont traveled to the United
States in June 2019 to meet Ms. Armitage in
person. “From the beginning, I felt at home
with him,” she said. “I didn’t even know that
people could feel this way.”
Her divorce was finalized March 11, 2020,
one of the last days that courts were open
for hearings before quarantine started in
New Jersey.
Ms. Armitage said that sharing custody
has been hard on the family, and the chil-
dren’s pediatrician recommended therapy.“We finally start to settle into our routine
and they’re comfortable again, then they
leave,” she said.
Despite their inability to be physically
close, the partnership Ms. Armitage found
with Mr. de Grandmont has helped her
carry on. “It’s still a lot easier because he’s
supportive,” she said, adding that being
separated during quarantine has made
them a stronger couple. “All we can do is
talk, so we’re becoming good communica-
tors,” she said. “It’s giving us more tools to
deal with the challenges of our relation-
ship.”
Before the pandemic, the pair took trips
in the Northeast to tourist destinations half-
way between their homes. They often ex-
plored new areas with the company of Mr.
de Grandmont’s children, ages 5 and 7, who
made a scrapbook of their American adven-
tures. Stipulations in the divorce between
Ms. Armitage and her former husband pre-
vented her own children, ages 3, 5 and 7,
from meeting Mr. de Grandmont until a few
weeks before quarantine began.
Blending their family comes with addi-
tional obstacles as the Quebecers primarily
speak French, but Ms. Armitage said that it
hasn’t fazed the children, who visit with Mr.
de Grandmont and his children on video
chats.
They’re slowly becoming familiar with
linguistic nuances and colloquialisms. Mr.
de Grandmont laughed as he explained that
they have sometimes miscommunicated
and blundered because they didn’t know
cultural connotations, euphemisms and
slang. Until they’re fluent, the family relies
on gestures and facial expressions to guide
conversation, and the children sometimes
ask their parents to translate.
On Sept. 3, none of the children were
present for the outdoor ceremony on the
banks of the Delaware River in Riverton,
N.J. Bryan Hoffman, a Universal Life min-
ister, performed a shortened ceremony af-
ter a tornado watch had been issued on the
stormy day. The couple exchanged a few
quick words rather than passionate vows as
the rain began.
They hope to have a second, more mean-
ingful ceremony, when the children can par-
ticipate. “This was just to make it official on
paper so we could see each other again, but
the real deal is when all the kids can be to-
gether with us,” Ms. Armitage said.
Mr. de Grandmont’s sister, Annie de
Grandmont, called from Quebec on Face-
Time immediately after the ceremony, and
Ms. Armitage’s aunt, Victoria Schermund,
answered, “We’re family now!”
To stay connected while they’re apart, the
blended family has established parallel rou-
tines, like cooking dinner, tucking the chil-
dren into bed, and watching shows at the
same time. They livestream mundane mo-
ments, like loading the dishwasher and
laundry-folding, which act as a virtual
bridge between their homes.
“We had all these different problems
piled up in front of us, and sometimes it
seems like they just keep piling up,” Mr. de
Grandmont said, “but it helps us build a
strong foundation moving forward.”
The couple dream of sharing a home in
the same country, but for now, Ms. Armitage
drives seven hours each way to see Mr. de
Grandmont whenever her children aren’t in
her care. She’s negotiating permission with
her ex-husband to take her children across
the border for visits.
Mr. de Grandmont lives on a half-acre of
former farmland that the couple are slowly
cultivating back to full use. Ms. Armitage
said, “Last time I was there, we planted 25
rows of garlic.” Although it’s difficult to
make long-term plans for their future,
they’ll work together to harvest the crop
next spring.A Video Game Alliance Gets Real
PHOTOGRAPHS BY DANIEL VASTA FOR THE NEW YORK TIMESKATE ARMITAGE and ERIC de GRANDMONT
After a virtual enemy
base falls, a permanent
bond is formed.
ON THIS DAYWhen Sept. 3, 2020
...........................................................
Where A public park
overlooking the Riverton Yacht
Club in Riverton, N.J., on the
Delaware River.
...........................................................
Something ForgottenBecause
the impending storm led to the
ceremony being moved up an
hour earlier, Ms. Armitage left
the house without her
something borrowed, which was
also her something blue — a
pair of earrings her aunt offered
for good luck. In her haste to
make it to the ceremony in
time, she also left the bouquet
a neighbor provided in the
fridge. The couple enjoyed
these forgotten items when
they returned to her home,
along with a cake her aunt had
decorated with the Quebec flag.
...........................................................
Can I Get a Witness?The
couple had just a week to plan
the wedding. While completing
required paperwork the day
before the ceremony, Ms.
Armitage called neighbors who
got to Town Hall minutes before
the clerk’s office closed. One
signed the application as a
witness and another lent her
cash to cover the filing fee. A
third, Bill Mufalli, was one of
two legally required witnesses
at the formal ceremony on the
following day. Ms. Armitage
said, “I’ve only lived here a year,
but we obviously have awesome
neighbors.”By LAUREN ROWELLOTop, Kate Armitage gets a little assistance from Eric de Grandmont before their Sept. 3 wedding
held in a Riverton, N.J., park. The couple met online while playing a role-playing video game.Mary Sebonia Rhodes and Matt Rhodes
were married Oct. 3, 1999, at Topo Gigio, an
Italian restaurant in Chicago. “We hired a
Cajun band because we got engaged in New
Orleans,” Ms. Rhodes said. “Matt’s daugh-
ter and my sister’s daughter were our
flower girls.”
The two met in April 1998, when Ms.
Rhodes’s childhood friend tried to set them
up at her husband’s birthday party. She was
32 at the time; he was 38. “We were told to
come alone, which I did,” she said. “Matt
showed up with a date.” Both had been di-
vorced. He had a daughter from his previ-
ous marriage and she had recently broken
off an engagement and returned home to
Chicago. “I wasn’t ready to start a relation-
ship, but he was cute and there was some-
thing about him,” Ms. Rhodes said. “Seeing
that he brought someone was disappoint-
ing.”
Ms. Sebonia had decided to gain his atten-
tion anyway, and as she danced with a
friend, she caught Mr. Rhodes checking her
out. He called her the following morning
and invited her to breakfast. Dating was in-
stantaneous.
“I loved the smell of him, which is such a
weird thing to remember,” she said. “We
talked about everything. We were so honest
with each other from the beginning about
our history and who we were. I asked him
why he brought a date and he said he forgot
he wasn’t supposed to, which knowing Matt
now makes total sense as he’s like an ab-
sent-minded professor.”
He proposed a year later while they were
in New Orleans for Jazz Fest. Six months
later they were married.
What They’ve LearnedMS. RHODES Matt is all soul. He’s been sober
for 30 years. I have such admiration for how
much work he’s done on himself. He’s a
sweet, good guy who’s filled with integrity.
He has big-picture wisdom that I don’t have.
His viewpoint is always enlightening. He
softens everything. I get worried about de-
tails; he grounds me. I’m more sarcastic
and critical and he’s not. He’s where I feel I
can be myself.
We went in fighting for this relationship
to work. We went to therapy before we got
married not because we had problems but
because we wanted to get it right. We were
married before to people who were not right
for us. Our parents were divorced.
I’ve become more open, patient and com-
passionate. I’ve leaned not to judge harshly,
to ride the waves. In the beginning you’re
infatuated with someone. It’s, “I love how
you chew gum.” Then years go by and it’s, “I
hate how you chew gum.” I’ve learned the
level of love you have after years changes.
It’s different but stronger. That surprisedme. He’s taught me to be less insecure. I had
a double mastectomy. I lost part of my body
and being a woman, but he sees me as beau-
tiful.
We’ve struggled. There’s deep heartache
and joy with teenagers. There’s the chaos of
life. I have a bigger, better life than I imag-
ined. Laying in the dark together with this
person, when things are most difficult, re-
membering why I love him, let’s me know
we’ll get through it.
MR. RHODES Mary is beautiful. She has a
huge capacity for love and devotion. She
shows up and gives unconditional love to-
ward me, and our kids.
Her bravery to beat breast cancer wasamazing. Her ability to get past things is in-
spiring. She doesn’t see all the reasons I
love her.
She’s the organizer. I’m hard-wired to be
an extremist. I worry far more than she
does, and about little things. She’s taught
me how to be a more-present husband, to
love unconditionally, to trust her. She’s
helped me to look at my part in things, get to
the other side, to stay, and how to strength-
en our marriage.
She’s taught me perspective and how to
get through things I thought would destroy
me. I’ve learned you can spend a life with
someone and continue to grow and change.
She’s learned to be more open and trusting
with people. We’ve both learned the strug-
gle is worth it.
I pushed her away in the beginning, but
she stayed. She proved herself. Marriage is
a commitment. You have to make compro-
mises. I used to be a runner. If you hurt my
feelings or made me angry, I was gone.
That’s not a model for living. I don’t want to
live that way anymore. I’ve learned to sit
and work through things. Our ability to for-
give each other is deep. I realized Mary is
the person I want to spend my life with. I
learned resiliency, to forgive and create a
greater sense of love. Our marriage has
strength and devotion. And we have each
other.IT’S NO SECRET
MARY SEBONIA RHODES and MATT RHODESTraveling Together Through the ‘Chaos of Life’
EVAN JENKINS FOR THE NEW YORK TIMES.......................................................................................
Because marriage is an ever-evolving experi-
ence, we constantly shift, change and, some-
times, start over. In It’s No Secret, couples tell
us what they have learned.
WHOMary Sebonia Rhodes, 54, and Matt
Rhodes, 61
OCCUPATIONThe couple own MTR Metals, a
steel distributing company in Chicago, where
they live. Mr. Rhodes has one child from a
previous marriage, Chloe, 27. Together they
have two daughters, Sophie, 20, and Stella,
16, and a son, Sam, 18.Since Mary Sebonia Rhodes and
Matt Rhodes were married more
than two decades ago, she has
become “more open, patient and
compassionate” and he has
“learned resiliency, to forgive and
create a greater sense of love.”By ALIX STRAUSS.