The Times Magazine 19When I settled into my dressing room
alone, I was grateful for a moment to breathe.
But then another publicist I’d never met
before (or maybe I’d met her five minutes
ago; honestly, I had no idea) walked in. Before
I could ask her how long it would be until the
presentation, she closed the door and asked,
“Hey... do you have another dress?”
Um. What?
“You look beautiful, it’s just that we were
wondering if you had something, like, darker
and more fitted, because it will photograph
better. Since we’re so close to your hotel room,
I thought I’d ask.”
I was stunned. And devastated. I thought
I looked pretty. I thought I had fitted in.
But I guess I was wrong.
I then experienced the following revelatory
thought process over the course of five seconds.
- Wait, did I just look like shit on my first
red carpet? - Oh no, am I gonna be in one of those
“worst dressed” pictures in US Weekly? - Whatever. Who cares? I don’t care about
looks because normality is bullshit, or at least
that’s what I’ve been telling myself. - But I do care. I want to be normal and
pretty. And not ironically pretty right now.
I want to be pretty pretty. - Oh no, I might cry.
- Huh. Tears aren’t coming.
- Wait. In this potentially emotionally
triggering situation am I... OK? - And you know what? I can see myself in
the mirror and I know for a fact that I look
pretty good. - I mean, maybe the dress is a little baggy.
- So if the dress is a little baggy and it’s just
a dress, is it that big a deal? - So if it’s a costume and I’m an actor here to
play a role and right now my role is fancy TV
star, fine, I’ll change.
“You know what? I actually do have another
dress. I can change. It’s not a big deal.”
The publicist sent a PA to my hotel room
to grab another dress from the gifting suite as
well as some Spanx. When the PA returned
less than five minutes later with all of it,
I immediately stripped naked. It was about
this time that Aline walked into the dressing
room to wish me luck. “No time to explain,”
I said, buck naked and squeezing into Spanx.
“Hold my dirty underwear.” I handed Aline
my dirty underwear while I put on the new
outfit. (The Spanx ended up being completely
wrong because they were those skirt-style
ones that ride up easily, but that’s what you
get when you ask a superskinny person to
choose shapewear.)
At the end of the UpFronts, every cast
member of every show went out on stage to
wave goodbye to the crowd. I stood at the
hen I took my parents to the
Critics Choice Awards, they were
starstruck. Look at the cameras!
The gowns! Lady Gaga!
At first.
The magic started to wear off
as we struggled through rush hour-level foot
traffic on the red carpet, couldn’t find our
table until after the awards started, and had
to walk 15 minutes to find any bathroom.
After I inevitably lost in my category, we
decided to leave. We felt a little shitty doing
so... until we ran into all the other fellow
losers in the car park who were also peacing
out. One of them even said, “I’m so cold and
I just wanna go home to my cats.”
So since people always ask me what
it’s really like to be at these award shows,
below is a review system based on the
things that truly count: Food, Parking,
Temperature in the Room and How
Much Shapewear Is Expected.THE EMMY AWARDS
Venue The Microsoft Theater, LA.
Food Drinks and mediocre snacks are
available for purchase at ridiculously elevated
prices. Bring peanuts and a flask and save
yourself $50.
Parking Not great. The spaces are really far
away from the venue. Uber recommended;
Razor scooter ideal.
Temperature in the room Freezing.
Bring a jacket. Not a “shawl”. I mean
a full-on Patagonia.
How much shapewear is expected A medium
amount. These awards are in September,
which means it’s right at the end of swimsuit
season, so you may be able to coast on your
summer bod if you had one. If not, you’re
totally gonna get it together before next
summer, and this time you mean it.THE GOLDEN GLOBES
Venue The Beverly Hilton, LA.
Food Full meal and free alcohol at this awards
show! Not even that cheeky scoundrel Ricky
Gervais can trash that.
Parking Nonexistent. To even attend one
of the after-parties, you have to leave your
car miles away and take a crowded bus to the
venue. And even when you have clearance
to drive right up to the red carpet, you’re still
stuck in traffic for 30 minutes as police inspect
every car (but obviously turn a blind eye to
the excellent cocaine being brought in by half
the attendees).
Temperature in the room A brisk autumn
day. Bring a light sweater.How much shapewear is expected A huge
amount. These awards are a formal event
right after the holidays and the patriarchy
demands that after a binge we must
immediately purge.THE CRITICS CHOICE AWARDS
Venue The Barker Hangar, Santa Monica.
Food Not great and also not enough of it.
Pack a handbag big enough to hold multiple
sandwiches. Either a Birkin or a plastic bag
will do.
Parking It’s drive-up only, but I bet you can
ask to put your Razor scooter by the entrance.
Temperature in the room Freezing. The show
takes place in winter by the beach in a former
aeroplane hangar.
How much shapewear is expected
A moderate amount. Again it’s right after
the holidays but it’s less important than
the Golden Globes, which happen very close
to this awards show, so people are kind of
shapewear-ed out. Ultimately, the less high
status you feel in Hollywood at this moment,
the more shapewear you’ll want to wear at this
show. Case in point: last time I went, I wore a
lot of shapewear.AWARDS SHOWS: HOW I SURVIVED THEM
W
Emmy Awards, 2019