ISSUE395|COMPUTER SHOPPER|JANUARY2021 11
MACBITER
Wasting away
I
twaswhenIwassittinginfront
ofmyMaclastweek,fooling
aroundonsomeno-hoper
project,asyoudo,thatastill,small
voicewithinme spokethus:
“MacBiteroldchum[itsaid],
you’vebeensittinginfrontofa
personalcomputerofonekind
oranothervirtuallynon-stopfor
about^2 4yearsnow.Duringthat
timeyourhairhasturnedgrey,the
morosewrinklesatthecornersof
yourgobhavedeepened,youhave
warts,boilsandhaemorrhoids,your
jointsaresobadyoupracticallylive
onglucosamine andyour social
skills havedeclinedtovanishing
point.Don’tyou think you should
put allthis junkaside for halfan
hourand goget yourself alife?”
So good didthis advice seem
thatIpromptlystood up,said
somethinghearty and optimistic
like “Right ho!”, put on acoat and
stepped outside my front door in
order to acquiremyself alife.
Iwouldn’thave minded being a
spectator of what happenednext,
but as the chiefparticipant it was
no fun. Halfway up the stepsI
slipped, the MacFeet shotout from
beneath me,Iperformed amid-air
cartwheel and the MacRibcage
came down crunchonthe edgeof
the brickwork. Farfromgetting a
life,Igottwo broken ribs,and I
nevermade it further into the great
world than the topstep.Just to let
youknowhowgreat thisexperience
has been,Ialso have the backend
of the flu,and the cough-that-won’t-
quit is like astiletto in my side.
What hasbeenparticularly
eerie about the whole thingisthat
the onlyposition in whichIfeel
remotely comfortable is –guess
where? Sitting bolt uprightinfront
of my Mac. Working.
BE SEEINGYOU
It’slikethe plot ofThePrisoner.The
mysterious,luxurious prison from
whichescape is impossible. No
harmcan come to yousolongas
yousubmit to being banged up,but
the moment youbreak forhome
weirdadversaries and bad luck
blightyour chances.Bestnot to
makearun foritinthe first place.
OK,OK, I’ve learned my lesson.
But all the same, theinner voice
wasright. Twenty-four yearsin
front of asuccessionofVDUs(from
9black and white through to 20
24-bit flatpanel, by wayofa
succession of monstrousand flaky
giant VDUs, including the Radius
Pivot of evil memory) is too much.
It’soverathirdofmylifespanto
date, forGod’s sake! And how
much of this activity has led to
profit? Notenough.
Ican think of the projects I
have worked on that have actually
madeabit of cashhereand there,
articles and columns Ihavewritten
and so forth, and Ican say, yes,
theypaid off. Imadeacrust. But
thenagain,Iamtheman whoonce
spentanentireyeardoing nothing
but fool around with HyperCard,
in the devout belief thatthis
product’s future andthat of the
Mac were contiguous. What did I
know? Igot heavilyinvolvedin
CD-ROMbook publishing,until it
became clear to all concerned –me
lastofall –that this idea wasand
would remain anon-starter.Ifyou
throwin allthe games, utilities and
other time-fillers youcan see that
forme–and Iwould guess,for you
also–mostofthe hoursand years
devoted to my computer have
beenabig fatwaste of ayoung life.
PORT SHORT
If God hadwanted us to interface
with digital devices, he would
have provided us withaUSB port
instead of anavel. Imean, it’s not
natural, is it? Think of allthose
hundreds of millenniainwhich
our anthropoid ancestors painfully
developed the opposed thumb,
discoveredfire andinventedthe
game of golf –all those landmarks
of aspeciesgraduallybecoming
more civilised. Wasitall forthis?
That we,the ultimate refinement
of thehuman species,should spend
suchlarge proportions of our lives
engaging in this pointless and
demeaning activity? What if one
daytheyswitched on thenational
grid and nothing happened?
On the other hand,Ihave to
ask myself what elseImighthave
donewith thosemissing 24 years.
Back in those days Iwas an ex-rock
journalist, living in ruralsqualor and
dead broke. Ihad oncebeenapro
musician but neverabrilliantone.
Thethought of going back to either
of these former careersfrankly
mademeshudder. Prospects looked
bleak. Then along came computers,
and the fascinating idea of being
able to send amemotoapiece
of equipment and have it do
something in response. Even more
thanthe mighty Hammond organ,
it wasthe perfect bluffer’s device.
Iwas hooked.
BACKTO BASICS
Ireckontrying to teachmyself
to programused up the first three
yearsall on its own. Ilearned Atari
Basic,BBCBasic, CommodoreBasic
and SinclairBasic,and wascrapat
Afteralifetimespenthunchedoverhiscomputer,amoroseMacBiterbelatedly
realisesthatallhiseffortshaveamountedtodiddly-squat
all ofthem(I neverdared tackle
thebuilt-inBBCAssembler).The
slightestlapseof concentration and
thethingwould get awayfromme.
Also,evenif itall ran,it was rubbish
andnot worth thesweat.But just
as Iwas thinkingofbailing out
andtaking upgolf instead,the
Mac appeared.
Even so,the programming urge
died hard.Thefirst MacreviewI
everwrote (in1985)was of
Microsoft Basic –Ievenwrote
some picture-handlingroutines for
it that subsequentlyturnedupina
book ofMac tips –andayear later,
along came theearliest iteration of
HyperCard,whichcan be seenas
thetrue ancestor ofHTML and all
other hypertext languages,ora
big fat redherring thatsuckered
thousandsof Mac usersupablind
alleyfor years.Or both.
TheHyperCardfrenzylasted
untilabout 1990,bywhichtime
colour Macsof greatpowerwere
well established.Fooling around
with various paintprograms –
evenifIcouldn’tprint the results –
occupied another couple ofyears.
Playing with thefirst versions of
Illustrator andPhotoshopwas a
joy–evenif,due to the fact that
Ihavezerographic skills, theyled
nowhere. In recent years, I’ve done
alot of work on sequencersand
sound production software–all
of it acomplete waste of time.
Only QuarkXPress,probablythe
leastgroovyofallmajorsoftware
packages,wasofusetomein
practical terms –and Microsoft
Word,ofcourse. Howdull is that?
So discounting about four
yearsout of the24inwhichmy
computing effortsmay be said to
have earned their keep,that leaves
ascore of yearsinwhichmyonly
real gain fromallthis key-clicking
and mouse-prodding hasbeen to
delaythe painful realisation that
Iam, after all, athoroughly
talentlessindividual.
Ta ke my advice–don’t let it
takeyou that long.CS
ILL
US
TR
AT
IO
N:
ST
EV
EL
ILL
IE
MacBiter
Originally published inShopper 219
Sankhisteethinto
Applefrom1988to
