MEL’SWORLD
8 JANUARY2021|COMPUTER SHOPPER|ISSUE
Croucher’s last stand
FORME,THEREaretwo
amusing aspects of technology
that have been triggered by
Covid-19.The firstofthese is that
Inolonger use cash, which has
weighed heavily and distorted my
trousers all my life. Until now.
Farewell, then, to the germ-
ridden, dreadfully designed, bulky
physical representations of
currency exchange,and good
riddance.Likemost otherpeople,
Inow wave amobile phone or a
small contactless rectangle of
plastic to reduce the risk of
sickness and death.
The second of the amusing
aspects of technology brought
about by thepandemic is the
promise of acontact-tracing app.
Ha! When atest version of just
such an app was launched on the
Isle of Wightway back in the
springtime,Iwouldgazeacross
the water in envy at the island’s
invisible dome of protection, as
the dog walked me along the
beach. The app was crap,of
course.Since then, some parts
of the United Kingdom have
rolled out, are rolling out or will
roll out their own versions of a
contact-tracing app.Theywillall
feature postcodes, proximity
sensors, the grassing up of
neighbours, and the kind of
monitoring and record-keeping
that IassociatewithSaint Peter
or the Stasi. These apps will be
equally crap,ofcourse.
Ifully expect systems to be
inflicted on me that monitor my
dog-walking along the beach, just
to make sure Idon’t overstaymy
welcome,orvisit an illegal pub,or
enter ahousehold not approved
of by thegovernment, the police
and the military.These systems
will be formyown good, which is
why Iwill not be allowed to turn
them off.Mynew app will
monitor my coughs so it can tell
when Ihavebecome aplague
victim and summon the tumbrels
to cart me off forprocessing.
And if such an app can monitor
my coughing, then it can also
monitor my laughter.And my
mutterings. And my dissent.
BREACH OUT,I’LL BETHERE
Most of us are already more than
happytovolunteer our words
and locations and routes to
satnavs and Fitbits and social
media apps in real time,and I’m
sure we will be more than happy
to volunteerour wordsand
locations and routes to help our
leaders and protectors manage
the coronavirus crisis. Of course
we will, and of course Iwill.
Andofcourse the promises
of anonymity and privacy will not
be kept, because theycannot be
kept. All databases will eventually
suffer abreach of security.All
databases will eventually be
commercialised and sold off to
any and every organisation
willing to pay. It hasbeenthat
waysince Mary,Joseph and
Jesus were called up forthe
census in Bethlehem. It has been
that wayfrom the Domesday
Book to the Poll Tax.
But this sort of census data
isn’talways used to kill first-
born infants and to tax voters.
Democratic governments can
collect census information to
optimise health services and
education and drainpipes, which
are good things. Unfortunately,it
all went to pot when those little
rectangles of plastic Imentioned
earliercame on the scene.
Credit card companies were
formed forone purpose only,
and that is to monetise our data.
Theybuy it,theysell it, they
trade it, theymake afortune out
of it, because it is extremely
valuable to advertisers.
In more recent years, social
media platforms have joined in
the fun, and whatever they
pretend to be theyare really
meregatherersofourdatatosell
toadvertisersforaprofit.No
matterthatmostoftheadverts
we getforce-fed to us via social
media are forstuff we don’t
need, don’t want and can’t
afford. On topofthat, the
bastards are now selling our
data all over again to gambling
firms, charities and political
organisations of all stripes.
And that last one is the one
that worries me the most.
Social media really does not
have to promoteloony ideas,
fake news and misinformation
to put the willies up people and
tax their fear.But that’s what
social media is increasingly doing.
Which brings me back to
Covid-19,and the frenzy of
conspiracy nonsense that has
taken over from rational
analysis and hard facts. It is as
dangerous as it is profitable.
ANTI-SOCIAL BEHAVIOUR
Iown my data, and I’m quite
happytorent it or sell it to
institutions, organisations and
commercial companies of my
own choosing, as long as it’s for
afair price that goes straight into
my electronic bank account.
Except Ican’t. So,for my last
hurrah inMel’s World,here is
what Ipropose.The first step of
my modest proposal is that we
revert to conversation, text and
email forour discourse,and that
we boycott every social media
platform. Theywillthen die.Next
we monetise our own data, and
sell it to whoever we choose
directly.Finally,wecontributean
agreed proportion of ourdata
income stream to run our own
social media platform free from
advertising and propaganda and
country music. We could callit
the Beneficial Bounty Channel,
or forshort the BBC.
Thanks as ever forreading
this and, if youdid, thank you
toofor reading my little Rants &
Raves and all those pages of fun
features over the years. It’s been
aprivilege,and it’s been fun.
MELCROUCHER
Tech pioneer and all-round good egg
My modestproposal is thatwerevert to
conversation,textand emailfor ourdiscourse,and
thatweboycottevery social media platform
Withourpersonaldataunderconstantthreatandcompaniesfindingevermoreintrusive
waysofsellingusstuff,MelCroucherissuesafinalrallying crytothemasses
