THENEWYORKER,NOVEMBER16, 2020 25
SHOUTS & MURMURS
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
Memo from the White House
Office of Special Projects:
Now that the general election is
kind of, sort of, behind us, I think we
can all agree that healing our fractured
nation is job No. 1. And what better
way to mend our wounds than by cre-
ating an exciting new program for our
top youths?
Gentlemen and Ivanka, I present
the Trump Scouts!
With the original Boy Scouts being
forced to admit not only girls but also
gay girls, nonbinary-sexuals (is that
the same as bisexual?), and everything
in between, there is an urgent need
for a traditional program that instills
core values in our growing boys. (Also,
we lost the eighteen-to-thirty-fives
bigly, so if we want any shot at a term
for Don, Jr., we will need the youth-
ful, extra-constitutional energy of mid-
dle schoolers.)
Picture, if you will, thousands of
ruddy-cheeked Trump Scouts cavort-
ing in the woods, swimming in swift,
icy rivers, and singing “My Old Ken-
tucky Home, Good-Night!” around a
campfire. Suburban kids have become
weak, lazy, and “woke.” The Trump
Scouts will bring them back to an
earlier time, when manliness meant
gutting a trout and flinging its in -
nards at squealing wimps, or running
around naked after a dip and chasing
the wussies with sharp sticks in an
entirely heterosexual manner. They’ll
make acorn pancakes every morning,
using hot rocks as a griddle, and then
slather them with Aunt Jemima! (What
an inspired idea President Trump had
signing an executive order that man-
dated the return of America’s most be-
loved imitation maple syrup!)
On Day One, each Scout will be
given a copy of “The Art of the Deal”
and five dollars. After three weeks, the
boy who ends up with everyone else’s
money will be the “boss” Scout.
The uniform: I’m seeing brown for
some reason, at least for the shirts, but
we should let Ivanka go wild with the
design.
The Jamboree: The highlight of each
year will be a gathering of all the Scouts
across the nation at a weeklong Jam-
boree. On the final night, the entrance
of the Scout-in-Chief will be one for
the history books. Riding a bison or a
tank? Lowered from some sort of hov-
ering Space Force prototype? And it
is here that we will unveil the special
dress uniform that he has been work-
ing on since his first day in the Oval
Office. Composed of all the medals,
ribbons, epaulets, and sashes confis-
cated from disgraced generals (so
many!), it will cover every last inch of
him, from spats to hat, with glory. And
the cape! Wait until you see the cape.
Sturgis, South Dakota, seems the
most logical location for the Jambo-
ree, since the townspeople there are
accustomed to a yearly influx of huge
crowds. And now their traditional cli-
ent base is mainly dead.
Ranks: Our team hasn’t worked out
precisely what the various Trump Scout
ranks will be, but we’ll start with Ap-
prentice and will go all the way to
Grand Wizard. Just as in the now dis-
graced B.S.A., Trump Scouts will be
able to earn merit badges—but only in
subjects that are actually useful to keep-
ing this nation on the path to great-
ness. Here are just a few.
Land surveying: Every night is taco
night as you camp under the stars along
the southernmost edges of Texas, Ar-
izona, and New Mexico. It’ll be just
you and a tripod with a pirate-like spy-
glass thing on top, an assault rifle, and
maybe some wooden stakes to pound
into the ground.
Communications: Now that One
American News is on its way to ac-
quiring NBC to become OANBC, our
friends over there are in need of an-
chors, reporters, camera-whatevers, you
name it. With the staff of MSNBC
planning to defect north, to the CBC,
the first Trump Scouts to sign up might
even find themselves sitting at Rachel
Maddow’s old desk! Enjoy those To-
ronto winters, Rachel—eh?
Private investigator: Solve a real case,
just like a real private eye! In addi-
tion to receiving a merit badge stitched
with shiny metallic thread, Scouts are
eligible to collect the bounty that
President Trump has offered for the
First Lady’s whereabouts. The lucky
boy who finds her will also get an
internship with Rudolph Giuliani’s
law firm and preferred enrollment at
Ukraine’s Igor Sikorsky Kyiv Poly-
technic Institute.
And don’t think we’ve forgotten
about the fairer sex. Girls deserve their
own traditional organization, com-
plete with uniforms and jingoistic
sing-alongs. So we are also excited to
announce the Trump Little-Lady
Scouts: a national brigade of high-kick-
ing cheerleaders! The only require-
ment is that you be taller than five-
ten and weigh less than a hundred
and nine pounds. POTUS himself has
volunteered to design the outfits.
Gimme a T!
BE VERY PREPARED!
BY TREY ELLIS
