The New York Times - USA (2020-11-15)

12 D THE NEW YORK TIMES, SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2020

KIDS CAN BEincredibly eerie.
They seem innocent and silly one
moment and suddenly become

calm and sophisticated in a way
that many adults find unnerving.
Especially when their children

are talking about something un-
pleasant.
Harper Thompson, 6, has mas-
tered the art of delivering grim

news in a matter-of-fact way, kind
of like a newscaster announcing
that the stock market just

crashed.
“I wouldn’t sleep in your bed-
room if I were you,” she once
advised her parents.

She and her family live in a
creaky, century-old white stucco
home in Abingdon, Va., which has

been in her dad’s family for gener-

ations. Shortly after they moved

in, she told her parents about the

“skeleton men” who inhabit the

house and sometimes the yard,

too. They’re dressed like soldiers,

and one wears body armor, but

she isn’t scared of them. They’re

more of an annoyance.

“She’ll roll her eyes, shrug her

shoulders and say, ‘Ugh, one of

them walked through the wall

again,’ ” said Harper’s mother,

Alysia Hoover-Thompson, 40, who

is a psychologist.

Harper much prefers her

“attic friend,” a nice ghost named

Felicia.

This is not the first time Harper

has spooked her parents. When

she was 2, she declared: “You’re

not my real mom and dad. My first

mom and dad died. You’re my

second set of parents.”

Ms. Hoover-Thompson said, “I

would say she probably brought it

up 25 or 30 times over the years,”

adding that Harper no longer

recalls saying that.

These stories might seem un-

settling, but developmental psy-

chologists say that it’s normal for

children to talk about death.

“It’s a natural part of child-

hood,” said Sandra Russ, a psy-

chology professor at Case

Western Reserve University in

Cleveland, who has studied how

children play for three decades.

“It’s healthy to have a vivid

imagination.”

And yes, she added, most chil-

dren know it’s all pretend by the

time they are 3.

“It’s a way of them expressing

their fears,” Dr. Russ said. “Adults

talk it out; children play it out.”

And when the things they imagine

start to feel too scary, she added,

they can stop or adjust the story

line. “They’re in control of what

happens.”

RANDOM MORBIDITY

It’s the adults who might suddenly

feel unmoored. At least that’s how

Ashley Fuller, 33, felt when she

emerged from the bathroom to

find her son Calvin, who was 3 at

the time, standing in the darkness

of her bedroom, naked, holding a

red, inflated balloon. He roared

and lunged at her.

Now she laughs about it —

nervously — but at the time, she

said: “I screamed so loud. You just

don’t expect anything like that.”

Later that year he started ask-

ing about death. It often happened

while they were driving home

from preschool in their Dallas

neighborhood, where he loved to

go bird-watching.

“I don’t see any birds; they

must have all died,” he com-

mented one day.

Or: “The birds look sad. I think

it’s because all their parents died.”

And then, “When am I going to

die?”

Ms. Fuller and her husband

took Calvin to a child psychologist,

who assured them that all was

well. Right around this time, his

great-grandmother had died, and

so had a relative’s dog. Asking

these questions was simply his

way of making sense of what

happened, though it was unusual

for a child his age to ask about his

own mortality, his parents were

told.

Sometimes, if a child is fixated

on something spooky, there isn’t

always an easily identifiable

reason behind it. Corinne Johnson,

51, a pharmacist in Portland, Ore.,

who has 6-year-old twin boys, said

her sons are very different. One of

the twins has a “very pleasant”

imagination, preferring to act out

fun things, like hosting a party.

The other twin — we’ll call him

Ben to protect his privacy — is a

“deep thinker” who is fascinated

by many things, including grave-

yards and death. During one

family road trip, he pointed out

every graveyard they passed and

asked to see the tombstones.

Both boys like to write stories,

but Ben’s take a morbid turn.

Despite his whimsical titles — a

recent piece was called “The Big

Pile of Bananas” — all of Ben’s

stories end the same way, with

someone’s unfortunate demise,

and a stick figure with X’s for

eyes.

CREEPY PAST LIVES

Tamara Torres McGovern, 41, a

pastor in Portland, Maine, is

intrigued by her 3-year-old daugh-

ter’s preoccupation with what she

calls her “other family.”

Ms. Torres McGovern’s pre-

schooler claimed that before she

was born, she was adopted by a

woman called Mama Kit and lived

in New Mexico on a hill where the

houses appeared “stuck together.”

But when she was a teenager, she

slipped and crashed while riding a

mountain bike on an icy sidewalk.

“And then I woke up in your

uterus,” her daughter said.

Dr. Jim B. Tucker, a child psychi-

atrist and director of the Division

of Perceptual Studies at the Uni-

versity of Virginia, studies chil-

dren who claim to have memories

of past lives.

Dr. Tucker described some of

the most compelling cases in his

book “Return to Life: Extraordi-

nary Cases of Children Who Re-

member Past Lives.”

One of the most well-known

stories is that of James Leininger,

from Louisiana, who started hav-

ing nightmares about a plane

crash when he was 2. He said he

was killed when the Japanese shot

down his plane, and described the

name of a real American aircraft

carrier; the first and last name of

his shipmate (who turned out to

be a real person); and specifics

about the crash. His parents later

discovered that these details

aligned with those of an obscure

World War II pilot named James

Huston, who died in 1945. It

seemed improbable that their son

could have known anything about

Huston.

Over the last 60 years, re-

searchers from the University of

Virginia have gathered the stories

of more than 2,000 children, in-

cluding Leininger, who claimed to

have had past lives, raising ques-

tions about reincarnation or

whether there’s “a part of us that

can continue on after we die,” Dr.

Tucker said.

OPPORTUNITIES

FOR CONVERSATION

But such specific and verifiable

cases are rare. If your child re-

counts something seemingly

spooky, like a detail about a de-

ceased grandfather she has never

met, it could be that she heard you

talk about him at some point, even

if it was months ago. Kids can be

very observant, and they most

likely overhear (and understand)

a lot more than parents realize,

the experts said.

It’s not uncommon for children

to explore all kinds of themes in

their pretend play, including vio-

lence, fear and risk, said Marjorie

Taylor, a professor emerita of

psychology at the University of

Oregon, and an expert on the

ways in which children create

imaginary companions.

When your child is engaging in

imaginary play, you can use that

as an opportunity to learn more

about what’s on her mind and

explore why it’s interesting to her,

Dr. Taylor said. Try asking nonin-

trusive, open-ended questions,

like, “How did the skeletons make

you feel?,” “Why does your imagi-

nary friend like to argue so

much?” or, simply, “Tell me more

about that.”

“Sometimes the children’s

responses can be enlightening for

the parent,” Dr. Taylor said.

In general, imaginary play is a

safe way for children to explore

and understand their world, the

experts said.

They added that one of the best

ways to promote a child’s creativ-

ity, including the use of pretend

play, is to give your child unstruc-

tured time and simple props like

an empty box. You can also offer

toys that enable open-ended play

like blocks, Legos, action figures

or dolls. For younger kids, try

asking them to make up a story or

showing them how to pretend that

an object is something else, like

taking a block and using it as a

telephone.

Your children will most likely

engage in even more pretend play

during the pandemic if they aren’t

seeing their regular friends as

often and also have more down

time, Dr. Taylor said.

“There might be a bumper crop

of imaginary friends due to

Covid,” she added.

Kids say the darndest things, some of which can be downright unnerving.

However, (most of) their eerie outbursts are explainable.

BY CHRISTINA CARON

Don’t Be

Creeped Out

By Your Child

NADIA HAFID

BEST FAT SEPARATOR

OXO Good Grips 4-Cup Fat

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The OXO’s generous 4-cup capacity

holds plenty of drippings to make

gravy, which never quite tastes as

good when made from a store-bought

mix. The silicone stopper prevents fat

from entering the spout, and the

deep strainer does an excellent job of

catching solids from stock — such as

carrots, onions and herbs — or

drippings from a roast turkey. $15

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BEST CARVING KNIFE

AND FORK

Messermeister 2 Piece Avanta

Pakkawood Kullenschliff

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The Messermeister 2 Piece Avanta

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creates a stable hold on whatever

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plates neatly. The set’s wood-grained

handles are comfortable to hold and

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impregnated with water- and grease-

proof resin) construction makes the

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BEST ROASTING PAN

Cuisinart 16” Roasting Pan

With Rack

The Cuisinart 16′′Roasting Pan With

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fully clad three-ply roasting pan on

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wayfair.com

While the holiday will no

doubt look different this

year, the Thanksgiving

feast doesn’t have to. To

help roast and serve the

perfect turkey or bake up

the most flavorful sides

(whether for two or a so-

cially distanced 10), the

best tools can help get

the job done efficiently

year after year.

BEST BAKING SHEETS

Nordic Ware Commercial

Baker’s Half Sheet

Some aluminum sheet pans may

perform on par with it, but the Nordic

Ware Commercial Baker’s Half Sheet

costs the least for a pan of its quality.

It’s a durable workhorse of a pan that

can handle a wide variety of tasks,

from roasting brussels sprouts to

drying out bread for stuffing. The

heavy-gauge aluminum roasts evenly

without warping at high heat. Even

after years of heavy use in a test

kitchen, the Nordic Ware pan still

performs well. $11 from

target.com

BEST INSTANT-READ

THERMOMETER

ThermoWorks ThermoPop

The reliable and easy-to-read

ThermoPop allows you to easily take

the temperature of your turkey in

multiple places, ensuring that both

white and dark meat come out per-

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eter into the inner thigh near the

breast without hitting bone and look

for it to reach 175 to 180 degrees

Fahrenheit; insert two and a half

inches into the deepest portion of the

turkey breast for a minimum reading

of 165 degrees. Just be sure to start

checking your bird at least 30 min-

utes before it’s supposed to be done.

$34 from thermoworks.com

The New

Essentials:

Thanksgiving

This list is adapted from Wirecutter,
the New York Times company that
reviews and recommends products.