The New York Times - USA (2020-11-15)

THE NEW YORK TIMES, SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2020 ST 13

Vows

As couples continue to look for ways to
move forward with their wedding plans
during the coronavirus pandemic, guests
are also looking for ways to feel more in-
volved, connected and present.
“Guests want a deeper experience, espe-
cially because many can’t be there,” said Ja-
son Mitchell Kahn, the owner of Jason
Mitchell Kahn and Company, an event plan-
ning company in New York. “They want to
offer something of themselves rather then
just witnessing something online.”
Couples are missing that bond as well.
“They’re looking for a deeper way to in-
clude everyone, whom they want to feel
special and remembered,” he added.
Event planners, wedding party members
and couples are coming up with creative
ways for guests to have a more integrated
and elevated role. Here are a few ideas.

Flower Power

On Sept. 5, Daliya Karnofsky, 36, an inde-
pendent dating coach, married Matt Lutsky,
32, a creator and writer of the Showtime
comedy series “On Becoming a God in Cen-
tral Florida,” at a lakeside Airbnb in Malibu,
Calif. Sixteen family members and friends
attended, while another 200 watched via
Zoom. When the couple stood under the
huppah, they were embraced by more than
120 paper flowers, each as distinctive as the
guest who sent it to the floral designer be-
forehand. The paper art was then woven
into the canopy along with real flowers.
“It was Matt’s idea, we wanted to feel ev-
eryone’s personal touch, and for everyone
to feel like they were there,” said Ms.
Karnofsky, who lives with her husband in
Los Angeles. Standout materials included
chocolate wrappers, a baseball with the
couple’s names stitched on it, seashells,
macaroni, even a bag of flour.
“We planned this during early pandemic
when everyone was into crafting,” she add-
ed. “We have so many creative friends. It
was fun and connective for people to see
their flowers when they Zoomed. It was
beautiful and special.”
Mr. Kahn, who was the couple’s wedding

planner, noted that many of these experien-

tial projects can double as keepsakes.

“They can be turned into pieces of art,

framed into shadow displays, or put in a

book that they’ll have forever,” he said.

More Than a Note

Ben Baur, 34, an actor, and Craig Gates, 30,

an equity derivative salesman for J. P. Mor-

gan, were married Sept. 12 on a friend’s

rooftop in TriBeCa. To improve the feeling of

guest inclusion, they sent “raise a drink”

gift boxes to guests that included a mono-

grammed shot glass, koozie, wine stopper

and a self-addressed stamped envelope and

card. The New York couple collected the 70-

plus notes from guests and read them to-

gether for the first time before their cere-

mony.

“It was a very intimate moment to have,

and an opportunity for our guests to feel like

part of the day,” Mr. Baur said. “That was

really important to us.”

The cards were wrapped in a ribbon and

placed on a silver tray, which resided next

to them at their ceremony. “They were also

referenced by the officiant who talked

about how we had read them that morning

and how we felt their love in that moment,”

he said.

Mr. Baur said he was grateful and

touched by what guests, specifically family

members, had written. “These were so per-

sonal and heartfelt,” he said. “I don’t know if

we would have gotten that moment, or con-

nected this deeply with them if we had a

regular wedding like we planned.”

I Am the Band

With entertainment acts temporarily on

hold, guests are doubling as the talent.

While on Zoom, Kyle Harmon, 33, per-

formed “Amazing Grace” at Nic Shackleton

and Eric Johnson’s March 20 wedding in

Salt Lake City from his living room in Se-

attle.

Mr. Harmon, who created a new arrange-

ment and wrote an additional chorus, sang

and played guitar before 100 Zoom guests.

“As best man, I really wanted to contribute

something memorable and expressive,” he

said. “Performing something I wrote at

their wedding was an opportunity to create

a meaningful moment about their love and

relationship.”

He added that for now this was the new

norm. “Hiring a virtual band is odd,” he

said. “This gave all of us an intimate con-

nection to one another since we couldn’t be

there in person.”

The Guest Book

Couples who want a memento of who at-

tended their wedding are collecting photos,

warm wishes and signatures through cus-

tomized digital guest books or reaching out

to services like Miss Design Berry that will

create a customized guest book for you.

Planners, too, are spearheading these

projects by creating displays of cards sent

in advance of events. Kate Reavey, a wed-

ding planner and the owner of Chicago Vin-

tage Weddings, requested Zoom partici-

pants at an August wedding at a private

home in Lake Forest, Ill., send postcards.

“A lot of people did drawings or offered

advice to the couple, it felt very personal,”

said Ms. Reavey, who is based in Chicago.

“This was our version of a Covid guest book

which we repurposed into an album after-

ward. We wanted everyone to feel physi-

cally present.”

Ms. Reavey said the project proved suc-

cessful, but she also offered some advice:

“Be careful with requesting too much from

guests. You don’t want anyone to feel like

you’re giving them homework.”

Bringing Your Online Guests Just a Little Closer

Here are ways couples can let

remote viewers play an active

role in their weddings.

By ALIX STRAUSS

SIOUXZEN KANG PHOTOGRAPHY

Top, guests made paper flowers

for Daliya Karnofsky and Matt

Lutsky’s wedding. Above, Kyle

Harmon sang “Amazing Grace”

for Nic Shackleton and Eric

Johnson’s celebration.

There may be no Champagne, no breaking
of the glass and no first dance. So do virtual
wedding guests still need to give the happy
couple an expensive wedding gift? After all,
you didn’t even get treated to a meal, let
alone a single glass of wine.
If you can afford it, you should still give a
wedding gift, said Keith Willard, who owns
an event planning business based in South
Florida. But he cautions couples to keep
their expectations low. “I’ve warned cou-
ples that they might not get a gift at all, and
if they do, expect it to be about 25 percent of
the original amount,” he said, referring to
pre-Covid-19 times when weddings were in
person.
Michael Apuada, 43, a physical therapist,
and Brian Tremont, 46, who works in fi-
nance, kept their gift expectations low when
they married this past June in their Chicago
condo, with 200 people watching via Zoom.
“Originally, we felt people would have
given less because it was a Zoom wedding,
and there was not a dinner and celebration
party,” Mr. Apuada said. But he was sur-
prised when most people gave a generous
gift, averaging $150 per couple.
Not everyone will be so lucky.
Mr. Willard attributes the change in gift
giving in part to coronavirus-related finan-
cial issues, which also give wedding guests
an excuse not to abide by what was normal
and customary before the pandemic, where
he saw gifts priced from $150 to $500 per
person. In addition, he said, while checks
were common for in-person weddings, to-
day’s Zoom couples are receiving monetary
contributions for their online registries,
which tend to include options to contribute

to the honeymoon, plane tickets or dinners.

Elaine Swann, a lifestyle and etiquette

consultant based in the San Diego area, sug-

gested that guests continue to choose their

gifts depending on how close they are to a

couple.

“Despite the fact that it’s virtual rather

than in-person, the gift should be the same,”

Ms. Swann said.

The adage that you should gift the couple

the same amount that they’re spending on

you as a guest hasn’t applied in decades,

and it shouldn’t apply to Zoom weddings,

said Jacqueline Whitmore, the founder of

the Protocol School of Palm Beach in Flor-

ida. The wedding cost and style, she said,

should have nothing to do with your gift.

Whitmore likes to gift from the registry; if

the couple isn’t registered, she sends a gift

card.

But how about the virtual bridal shower?

While etiquette experts agreed that it

should remain the same cost-wise, the type

of gifts have changed, said Kurt Perschke,

the chief executive of Web Baby Shower, an

online baby and bridal shower service

based in Asheville, N.C.

“Virtual shower gifts tend to be more on

the practical side of the gift spectrum,” Mr.

Perschke said. “Sentimental and keepsake

gifts are more common at in-person events,

where seeing a gift received is part of the

experience.”

Popular in-person bridal shower gifts

tend to include framed photos, scrapbooks

and even gag gifts like massive wine

glasses and adult games, Mr. Perschke said.

Today, he’s seeing many more linens, China

and flatware, in addition to digital gifts such

as universal spa e-gift cards and adventure

weekend experience gifts.

The costs of these shower gifts have

stayed the same, he said, ranging, on aver-

age, from $25 to $75.

But don’t expect to spend as much — or

even anything at all — on engagement gifts.

Melissa Imberman, the owner of the New

York-based event planning company the

Event of A Lifetime, said engagement par-

ties — and the gifts to accompany the par-

ties — were becoming less popular even be-

fore the pandemic.

What if someone happens to have a virtu-

al engagement party?

“Skip engagement gifts altogether and

just send a heartfelt congratulations via

video chat,” said Marie Kubin, the chief ex-

ecutive of Rent My Wedding, a rental com-

pany based in Miami.

So the engagement gift may be one to

mark off your list, but you still need to be

cognizant of the timeline for sending the

other presents.

Etiquette says you have two months post

events to send your gift, though if the event

is postponed, it’s still encouraged to give a

gift based on the original date, said Brittny

Drye, editor in chief of Love Inc. magazine,

based in New York. With postal delays, it’s

best to send earlier rather than later.

FIELD NOTES

New Guidelines for Zoom Wedding Gifts? Virtually None

You still need to send presents

for mostly digital events, but

keep the costs within reason.

HEIDI BERTON

‘Despite the fact that

it’s virtual rather than

in-person, the gift

should be the same.’

ELAINE SWANN

LIFESTYLE AND ETIQUETTE

CONSULTANT

By DANIELLE BRAFF

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