38 / Basics of Good Writing
Revised to Add Specific Detail
In spring, fishermen replace hunters on Hovey Lake waters. Attracted by the spring crappie
run, fishermen haul in hefty stringers of slabs and return to fish for bluegill. Evening campfires
turn skillets full of fresh fillets into plates full of succulent morsels. Then sunrise sends the
bass fishermen scurrying to secret waters, some to return with empty bags. One fisherman,
however, boats three, one weighing in at eight pounds two ounces. Later in the day, a few trot
lines yield spoonbill catfish, those prehistoric monsters weighing 30 pounds or more, as long
as a man is tall. In later afternoon or early evening, a jug fisherman occasionally bags perch,
catfish, or even a wily gar, long, slender, and sharp-toothed. Spring moves into summer, and
summer moves into autumn. Only then, when the lake is closed for waterfowl migration, do
fishermen leave.ANALYSIS of THE SAMPLE REVISIoN foR SPECIfIC
DETAIL
The original passage omits any reference to specifics. Note the following revisions:
• Specific kinds of fish are named in the revised passage. Rather than appearing
in a list, however, the specific species’ names are interwoven with additional
details.
• Specific methods of fishing are named.
• Times of day and seasons are named.
• Specific word choice adds detail. Strong verbs such as haul, boats, and bags as
well as specific and colorful nouns such as stringers, slabs, succulent morsels,
and monsters enhance the details.
• Specific size descriptions add detail, including phrases such as eight pounds
two ounces and as long as a man is tall.SAMPLE REVISIoN foR UNITY
The following paragraph lacks unity. The writer fails to stick to the subject named in
his topic sentence. Instead, he allows his paragraph to hop from one idea to the next,
as if each sentence reminds him of a new idea. In the revised paragraph, however, all
details support the topic sentence.
Original Passage
Nearly every community tries to combat the problems pigeons create. While pigeons are doc-
ile and provide enjoyment in the parks for those who like to feed them peanuts and popcorn,
they also create a health hazard where they most frequently roost. Some experts try simply to
change the roosting place. Of course, that only causes the health hazard to relocate. In fact,
one year, officials used chicken wire to close off a favorite roosting place; so the pigeons began
roosting in our garage. They created not only a health hazard but a financial burden as well.
We had to have the car repainted as a result of the frequent stains on the hood. In spite of