Revising / 43Revised to Eliminate Wordiness
Shall we increase property taxes? Ignore drug-pushers? Elect a “yes” man for Congress? To
answer “no” is to vote for Jerrald Kinsingtonne. Here’s why.
When Republican incumbent Rodney Brolliette fought for tax incentives to lure businesses
here, he ignored Kinsingtonne’s claim that private citizens would pay with increased property
taxes. Now, strapped with tax bills double last year’s rate, citizens know whom they need to
support.ANALYSIS of THE SAMPLE REVISIoN foR WoRDINESS
The preceding revision eliminates words, phrases, even whole sentences. As you
compare the two passages, note that no ideas are omitted, but the revision gives
the main idea greater emphasis. To reduce nearly 120 words to just over 60 words,
the writer combined ideas into single sentences. He used strong nouns and verbs to
eliminate the need for modifiers. As a result, the writer secondarily improved sen-
tence variety.
SAMPLE REVISIoN foR EMPHASIS
The following passage, an early draft of this chapter on revising, illustrates revision
to achieve emphasis.
Original Passage
It is in the process of revising a paper that real writing takes place. That may sound strange
because after all you wrote your paper and now you are merely making changes. Of course,
that’s true. The writing that takes place during the process of revision, however, is the writing
that makes the difference between a paper and a good paper, between a good paper and a
superior paper. Most professional writers will tell you the real work comes in the revising.Revised to Add Emphasis
During the process of revising, the really tough part of writing takes place. True, you have
worked hard to write your paper; and now you are merely making changes. The writing that
occurs during the revision process, however, makes a mediocre paper a good paper. Revision
adds variety, emphasis, coherence, transition, and detail. Revision eliminates wordiness, irrel-
evancies, and inconsistencies. Revision polishes, hones, and perfects. Thus, most professional
writers agree that the real work comes in the revising. It’s where they spend the bulk of their
time.