2 1GT Friday November 27 2020 | the times
times
9
DOWN
John Lydon
6
UP
Harry Styles
DOWN
Donald Trump
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Appearing on the cover
of Vogue wearing a dress,
the former One Direction
star Harry Styles seems
to have riled some
conservative commentators.
“There is no society that
can survive without strong
men,” the US critic Candace
Owens tweeted. “In the
west, the steady feminisation
of our men at the same
time that Marxism is being
taught to our children is
not a coincidence. It is an
outright attack. Bring back
manly men.”
It’s notable that Owens cited
historical reasons for deploring
men who wear dresses. I don’t
know if Owens has seen
statues of Greek and Roman
emperors, Scottish warriors,
Aztec generals, Jesus, Tarzan,
With the final tests being conducted,
it has been mooted that — should it
pass — the first Covid-19 vaccine will
start being administered in England
on December 9. If this is true, then it
means we have just invented...
jab-vent? Thank you. Thank you for
listening to my second joke.And so to the NME, and the week’s
most startling headline. “John
Lydon suffered flea bites to the
penis after befriending squirrels”:
the Sex Pistols star said he
suffered flea bites to the penis,
“a consequence of him befriending
squirrels at his house in Venice
Beach, Los Angeles”.
In the article, Lydon told the
NME: “It’s such a poxy thing to
get caught out on.”
A flea bite on the penis? Man,
that is niche. One presumes that
the flea — as it jumped from squirrel
to man — thought, “John Lydon!
Never Mind The Bollocks!”, and then
chose its target area accordingly.News from Hollywood: the
cinematic genius Spike Lee is
working on a new project —
and a musical, no less. What
is its plot? “It will tell the story
of how Viagra became one of
the most popular prescription
drugs in the world,” according
to Deadline.
Obviously, this is exciting
news, but what will the film be
called? All of the most suitable
titles have been taken by other
projects: Die Hard, It Happened
One Night, From Dusk till
Dawn, Winter’s Bone, The
Dark Knight Rises, Titanic,
Big and, my favourite, Up.Caitlin
Moran
Celebrity Watch
While we remain in varieties of tier
and lockdown, human nature, being
what it is, demands that love, sex and
dating continue despite potential
mates not being able to meet up.
I was intrigued, therefore, to read in
this week’s Closer magazine about the
phenomenon of “TV showmancing”.
This is where new couples, having
“met” through an online dating app,
have their first “date” by watching TV
virtually together while discussing the
show on Zoom. Awww, look at love
surviving whatever the circumstances!
Look how we yearn to make
connections and have conversations!
Look how moving this is!
Look how moving this is,
however, for people who don’t
work in showbusiness. According
to the latest statistics, 239,
people in the UK work in TV,
film and media, each one of
whom, sadly, would not be
able to “TV showmance”
their way to love. Have
you ever watched TV
with someone who works
in showbusiness? It’s
horrible. “What the f***
was that first act? How
did he get cast? I heard
his agent was banging
someone in distribution.
The 15 per cent she’s getting
is being paid wholly in
cock. Look! Look at her —
you can see the facelift
every time the wind moves
her hair. NEVER GET
A HUNGARIAN
FACELIFT, BABE. Jesus,
the lighting continuity
here is a car crash. Oh,
here we go — give all the
exposition to the boring
mum character. Yeah,
enjoy all your clunky
dialogue, love. Hello?
Hello? Are you still
there? Where have
you gone? It says the
Zoom meeting ‘has
been ended’. I guess
I will die alone.”DOWN
Rebekah Vardy and
Coleen Rooney
UP
Spike Lee
UP
Vaccines
UP
The Matrix
The ingenuity of humanity when it
wishes to “party” never fails to be
greatly moving, and this week there
was an inspiring example of just
such ingenuity on the set of The
Matrix 4, being shot in Berlin.
As we know, while coronavirus
rules allow for pandemic-compliant
filming, they do not allow for
parties or celebrations. The
directors of The Matrix 4 seem to
have found a pleasing way round
these restrictions by, as the
headline in the NME claimed,
“reportedly” disguising “wrap
party as film shoot”.
Asked to comment on the
accusations, the Babelsberg Studios
spokeswoman Bianca Markarewicz
said that the producers of the film
told the studios that they were
shooting extra footage for a
“celebration scene”.
However, a guest at the party told
Bild that the event seemed more
like a party, with nobody actually
filming the events. “No directorial
instructions were given, there was no
clapperboard,” the guest said. “The
mood was exuberant.”
So, there we have it: yet another way
you could get round the lockdown
rules. Anyone who wishes to throw a
party, you know what to do now: invite
over all your mates, pop a camera in
the corner, shout “ACTION!”, then get
completely twatted. Thank you,
Hollywood. You’re always there to
make dreams come true.UP
Showmancing
We kick off this week’s proceedings
with an insight from Chris
Columbus, the director of Home
Alone 2, explaining how Donald
Trump managed to score his cameo
in the hit sequel. With several scenes
being shot at the Plaza Hotel, owned
by Trump, the now-president would
only give his permission to film “if
I’m in the movie”. “He did bully his
way into the movie,” Columbus
recently surmised.
This raises an intriguing prospect.
As the world is aware, Trump is
proving very reluctant to vacate the
White House despite having just lost
the US election.
As Inauguration Day grows nearer,
there is increasing speculation that,
as The New Zealand Herald put it
this week, “Donald Trump might
have to be forcibly removed from
the White House”.
Should Kamala Harris and Joe
Biden have to attempt this task, then,
we know some of the ruses that
Trump is intimately availed of. As a
rule of thumb, they should beware of
a) marbles at the top of the stairs
b) superheated doorknobs
c) metal sinks wired to the
mains d) clingfilm stretched
over a door that covers you
in glue and feathers, and
e) Brenda Fricker’s pigeons.
4
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y
or the Pope, but they were a) pretty
powerful and b) pretty non-trousered.
Marx, on the other hand, did wear
trousers. As, indeed, does Owens
— a woman. So if trousers don’t
automatically make you a) powerful
or b) a man, it looks as if Owens’s
logic doesn’t have a legging
to stand on. Thank you.
Thank you for
listening to my joke.8
I’ve been ignoring the so-called
WAGatha Christie libel case
because for most of the year
it has simply been a series
of reports of how two
footballers’ wives have
been preparing for
their court showdown.
Despite what courtroom
TV dramas would have you
believe, there’s nothing
interesting about paperwork.
However, this week there was
the first pre-trial hearing, which
established some aspect or
other and resulted in Coleen
Rooney being judged to have
“lost” the first round and
being landed with a
£23,000 legal bill.
When the full
case comes to trial
the women are
estimated to be
liable for at least
£1 million each in legal
fees — while also having
all their dirty laundry
aired in public.
The case, which rests
on Rooney accusing
Rebekah Vardy of
leaking stories about
her to the press, and
Vardy denying this, is a tale
as old as time: one woman
thinks another woman has
been gossiping about her, and
is out for revenge.
Therefore, might it not work
out better to opt for a remedy as
old as habeas corpus: car-park
fightious? Five minutes of hair-
pulling and ineffective attempts
to kick each other up the bum,
then a subsequent 40 years
of making very quiet hissing
sounds at each other whenever
encountering each other at a party,
in the pub, or near the ready-meal
section of M&S Cheadle Hulme?
Even with my consultation fee
of $777,777, the women are still
£1.3 million up on the deal.M r f “ p t s
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