The Times 2 Arts - UK (2020-11-27)

the times | Friday November 27 2020 1GT 3

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Fact of the Week

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Christmas

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“ ’Tis the season to be jolly — but also

’tis the season to be jolly careful,” Boris

Johnson said this week, announcing

the new Covid-19 restrictions around

the festive season. We’re to be allowed

small family gatherings — merging

up to three households on camp beds

in the dining room — but, as he

intimated, it is at our own risk.

The advisory group Sage has

already warned that allowing

this brief yule bubble

will inevitably lead

to an increase in

infections and,

obviously, deaths.

“We’re really in

danger of snatching

defeat from the jaws

of victory on this

one,” Professor

Andrew Hayward

told Newsnight.

“Effectively what

this will be doing is

throwing fuel on the

Covid fire. It’s a recipe

for regret.”

Most years the

dilemma is “Turkey

— or beef ?” This

year it’s “See Nanna

— but also, maybe,

kill her?”

Given that this

is a pretty chunky

either/or situation,

I would like to posit

an alternative. We

know there is almost

certainly one, if not

two viable vaccines on the

way, and that life will “start to

get back to normal” by Easter. And,

let’s be honest, the majority of people

considering the forthcoming risky

“festive bubble” aren’t planning a

Christmas get-together because they

specifically wish to celebrate the birth

of Our Lord Jesus Christ. They gather

on Christmas Day from a combination

of tradition and because that’s just

when everyone has time off work.

So allow me to blow your mind

with this alternative plan. For one year

only, why don’t we... delay Christmas

2020 until the summer? Until the

vaccine has done its work and we’re all

safe again. Right now Johnson could

announce the creation of two new

bank holidays in July back-to-back

over a weekend — Coronamas —

which would not only allow us to

celebrate a four-day-long late

Christmas, but also work as a joyous

national celebration of having finally

overcome the virus.

Bank holidays usually cost us

£2.3 billion a day in lost output, but I

suspect that amount would be more

than offset by a) the ferocious

consumer boom in food, drink,

venue hire, parties and

presents, and b) the savings

made by not having to put

thousands of grandparents

into intensive care in

January. Also, I don’t

know if you have

looked at

the hefty

Christmas

maintenance

schedules

that

Network

Rail has

announced,

but if you’re

planning to

travel from,

eg, London to

Sheffield over

Christmas, there was

basically one seat, put

on sale in August —

and it’s gone.

If we can just resign

ourselves to a small,

semi-hibernatory

Christmas Day — no

guests, anaesthetised

with breakfast Baileys,

watching TV barely

conscious — then we can

start planning massive

summer get-togethers

where people can hug! Sing! Use

functioning public transport! Burn

their stinky masks! Hire a castle,

invite everyone over and dance all

night long in summery meadows!

Also, if Christmas were in summer

we could have barbecues instead of

“a roast”, thus liberating millions of

mums from experiencing the “giblet

fury” that makes a traditional

Christmas so wearisome.

For one year, and one year only,

the best gift Britain could give itself

is if it temporarily decided that the

“spirit of Christmas” wasn’t “possibly

fatal togetherness”, but “delayed

gratification”.

Fact of the Week is CW’s newest

category, which has just been

stormed by a titbit in Hello!

According to the most royal

of all the gossip magazines,

Christmas Day at Balmoral

with the royal family has many

traditions, one of which is

“parlour games and charades”.

So far, so normal. “We know

the Queen’s great party trick

is to mimic accents. The

Queen might

be a Scouse

for the day,”

it suggested.

Whoa. Why have we never known

this before — that the Queen spends

Christmas Day being... regional?

Does this happen every year? Which

other accents does she do?

Presumably, in the wider family,

this habit of the Queen allows for

a useful dating technique — when

people are trying to recall events in

times gone by.

“Yes, I’m pretty sure the first

year Diana rollerskated around

crying was 1984. Do you

remember? That was the

year that Mummy was

being a Geordie.”

Or: “Tony and Cherie

Blair conceived Leo

in 1999, when Granny

kept saying, ‘To be fair,

I think those two

have gone off forra

poke,’ in the voice of

Jasper Carrott.”

Theatre

encounter with the police.

Michael Balogun, left, stars.

Reflections on race and class

make a potent mix in this

sequel to the duo’s Death of

England. nationaltheatre.org.uk,

tonight, tomorrow

Death of England — Delroy

A one-off chance to catch

a streamed recording of Roy

William and Clint Dyer’s

explosive National Theatre

monologue about a bailiff

whose world shatters after an

Film

rom-coms past and invest them

with a new vibrancy. There are

echoes of the in-law clash in

The Family Stone and a nod to

the misty-eyed tone of Love

Actually, with one of the most

unashamed and moving

declarations of love. See review,

page 8. On streaming platforms

Happiest Season (12, 102min)

A witty charmer about a

Christmas family meltdown

starring Kristen Stewart and

Mackenzie Davis, right. It is

co-written and directed by the

actress Clea DuVall, who

manages to embrace every

cliché from Christmas

Classical

Russell Beale. The latest

instalment features the

music of Francisco Guerrero

performed from Our Lady

of the Assumption & St

Gregory in the heart of

London. thesixteen.com, today,

tomorrow, Sunday

The Sixteen

In their streamed series,

A Choral Odyssey, Harry

Christophers’ choral group

explores the connections of

music and place in a blend of

performance and documentary

presented by the actor Simon

Pop

award-nominated folk balladeer

and conservationist Sam Lee,

right, who also leads nocturnal

journeys into English forests to

hear nightingales, is up today

alongside the singer Lucy

Farrell and the virtuoso fiddle

player Rowan Rheingans.

dice.fm, tonight

Virtually Green Note

Camden’s tiny, beloved acoustic

venue the Green Note may

have closed its doors for the

time being, but it has kept

the spirit alive by beaming in

performances of favourite

artists directly from their

homes to ours. The Mercury

Visual art

painting those who had

wronged her. An online tour of

the Artemisia exhibition is in

this curator-led on-demand

film. nationalgallery.org.uk,

today, tomorrow, Sunday

Artemisia

Plunge into the dramas of

the defiantly ambitious artist

Artemisia Gentileschi, who,

triumphing over appalling

injustice, took her revenge in

Comedy

and stand-up comedian, also

known as Alan Partridge’s

sidekick Simon Denton,

streams an hour of

coronaviral comic musings.

dice.fm, Sunday 8pm

Tim Key Presents: A Deeply

Reflective Piece About

Lockdown and the Nature

of Solitude!

The Edinburgh Comedy

award-winning comic poet

The Lord of the Rings hottie Viggo

Mortensen on his directorial debut

The hot list

Your guide to the weekend

In Saturday Review tomorrow

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