Writing Academic English 4th Edition

274 i\ppemlixi\ ITheProcessofAcademicWriting

MODEle, ' ,

Revisionsto

RoughDraft

Nowrewriteyourparagraph,incorporatingalltherevisions.Thisis yoursecond

draft.

CommunicationProblems

Noticetherevisionsthestudentmarkedonherroughdraft.

1.Shecheckedtomakesurethatherparagraphmatchedtheassignment.The

assignedtopicwas"cultureshock."Althoughhersecondsentencementions

cultureshock,hertopicsentencedoesnot,soshedecidedtocombine

sentences1 and2.

2.Thewritercheckedtheparagraphforunityanddecidedthatsentence6,

whichshehadaddedwhilewritingtheroughdraft,wasa goodaddition.

However,shedecidedthatsentence7 wasoffthetopic,soshecrossed

it out.

3. Shecheckedtoseeiftherewereenoughsupportingdetails,andshedecided
   thattherewerenot.Shedecidedtoaddexamplesofpoorpronunciation,an
   incompletesentence,andanidiom.Shecouldnotthinkofanexampleofan
   unclearexpression,soshecrossedoutherreferencetounclearexpressions
   insentence9.
   4.Shealsodecidedtoaddtransitionsignalssuchasfirstofall,forexample,
   andalsotomakeherparagraphmorecoherent.
   5.Shedecidedtoadda concludingsentence.
   Thenthestudentwroteherseconddraft.