2 1GT Friday December 11 2020 | the times
times
Anecdote of the week comes from
the Facebook page of the actor/
director/writer Rufus Jones,
whose friend once worked with
Bruce Springsteen. One night
the singer took this friend to one
side and told him “the two
secrets of rock’n’roll”.
What are
they?
“1. Never
wear a watch.
Rock’n’roll exists
outside space and time.- Never keep your wallet
in your back pocket because
nothing must obstruct the
eyeline between that girl
and your ass.” And that’s
why he’s the Boss.
Unexpected controversy struck this
week when Kate and Will’s tour of the
UK — pitched as a “morale boost” for
our frontline workers — was held at
arm’s length by a series of politicians.
Nicola Sturgeon
was first, greeting their
trip to Scotland with
a purse-lipped,
“We made sure
that the royal
household
were aware,
as you would
expect, of the
restrictions in place
in Scotland.” Pop
that into Google
Translate from
“officialese” to
“normal English”,
and it comes out as:
“I wish they’d stayed
at home, the super-
spreading toffs.”
The next day, the
Welsh health minister
Vaughan Gething was
similarly eggy on Toda y, with a tetchy:
“I’d rather that no one was having
unnecessary visits” (translation: “STAY
IN YOUR CASTLES, YOU VIRAL
GADABOUTS”), while a Downing
Street spokesman chipped in icily,
“[Their tour] is a matter for the Palace.
We set out clearly the tiers and the
advice around the
current guidelines
that we are asking
the public to abide
by.” Subtext?
“First Rita
Ora, now this.
EVERYONE. STOP.
GALLIVANTING!”
Although No 10 later
rowed back from this —
presumably Boris Johnson
remembered how much he’d like
to be knighted one day — the
Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s
Morale Booster Tour 2020 seems to be
replacing the Sex Pistols’ 1977 tour
as “the most controversial tour
ever”. Back then, the band were
made so unwelcome that they
played under various noms de
rock, including the Tax Exiles, the
Hamsters and Acne Rabble, had half
of their gigs cancelled, and released
a bootleg called Spunk. Perhaps
the duke and duchess should
cancel their shows for a while
and concentrate on laying down
funky B-sides in the studio instead.Two weeks ago, you may recall,
we enjoyed the 47,758,484,557th
thing dubbed “The Most 2020 Thing
Ever”: the delivery of the traditional
Christmas tree to the Rockefeller
Center in New York. As the press
photos revealed, the tree was a bit,
well... 2020. Manky, lopsided and
seemingly battered from its long
transit from Alaska, it looked as
if it had had pretty much the
same year as us: sitting around
in a pair of jogging bottoms,
getting drunk, eating rubbish
and feeling pretty depressed.
This week, however, the
newly zhuzhed-up tree —
smothered in tinsel, baubles,
lights and what one can
only presume are a couple
of false branches, aka “tree
wigs” — was revealed,
looking as glamorous
as it always does. That’s
when I realised: Christmas
trees are basically... trees
in drag, aren’t they? Every
year we celebrate the birth
of Christ by putting a gay
tree in our front rooms.
The royal family have decided to have
“a quiet Christmas”. The Queen and
Prince Philip are to remain, alone, at
Windsor Castle, dubbed “HMS
Bubble”, and delay
a proper family
gathering until
everyone has
been vaccinated.
The Royalest
Gossip Magazine In
The World has all
the details: “Hello!
understands that
plans are being drawn
up for the Queen to see
some of her loved ones in a
socially distanced outdoor setting
— or even through a window.”
This “window option” could prove
tricky. Since Windsor Castle has more
than 1,000 rooms and more than
3,000 windows, trying to find out
which window the Queen is looking
out of on Christmas Day is going to be
like tackling the biggest royal advent
calendar in the world.The Wolverhampton chanteuse
Beverley Knight epitomised
how we all struggle to deal
with the terminology around
Covid-19. “I’ve had to keep
my bubble and my area really,
really tight,” she said this
week — something that
sounds equally “sensible”
and “uncomfortable”.
Over at New! magazine, the
columnist Kerry Katona might
have literally put her foot in it
when addressing the personnel
reshuffle at This Morning, where
the husband-and-wife duo Eamonn
Holmes and Ruth Langsford have
been sidelined in favour of Alison
Hammond and Dermot O’Leary.
“They’ve got some big shoes
to fill!” she said, perhaps unaware
that in 2010 Holmes consulted
lawyers and the BBC had to
apologise after The Impressions
Show made fun of his weight,
and gave him the catchphrase
“I was fierce hungry, so I was.”
So expect New! to print
a retraction, headlined
“Eamonn Holmes’s
feet are a very average
size 9in before Christmas.Caitlin
Moran
Celebrity Watch
This week it was announced that
breakdancing will be included
as an official sport
for the first
time at the
Olympics.
Since
many of
the original
1980s b-girls
and b-boys are
now parents
approaching
pensionable age,
hospitals across the
country should brace
themselves for a wave
of “Olympics-inspired”
dance injuries
coinciding with next
summer’s delayed
2020 Tokyo Olympic
Games as people
who should know
better attempt a
worm and put their
backs out.UP
The Duke and
Duchess of
Cambridge
UP
Bruce
Springsteen
UP
Makeover
of the week
DOWN
The Queen
UP
Bob Dylan
DOWN
Quote of
the week
DOWN
Chris Hughes
UP
Breakdancing
b O r p r t D M r m p r a
fffuffffff
l
To music news: Universal has
splashed out £230 million on
Bob Dylan’s entire catalogue.
Its chief executive officer, Lucian
Grainge, said: “His songs are
timeless whether they were written
more than half a century ago or
yesterday.” Although not one to
interfere when men are making deals
— playas gotta play, after all — I do
feel I should inform Grainge that The
Best of Bob Dylan is £5.60 on CD,
and that it has got “all the good ones
on”. Just in case you’ve got lots of
other Christmas presents still to buy.5
10
4
8
9
6
7 w e r a W
similarly eggy o
ou ma recall
U
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D
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“““
wouts
2
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What is the worst Christmas
job? Amazon delivery driver?
Turkey slaughterer? Being a
mum? Or does Chris Hughes
have an even worse one? The
former Love Island contestant
is taking part in an ITV
production of The Real Full
Monty, based on the 1997 film
about a group of unemployed
men who reinvent themselves
as male strippers.
That’s not so bad, I hear you
cry. But, as Hughes told New!
magazine this week, “This
one’s on ice.” Yes, Britain’s most
famous play about men being
nude is being put on ice. Every cast
member will be on skates. Naked.
“There are reports that the lads
have been provided with willy
warmers,” New! suggested to Hughes.
“I haven’t seen any willy warmers,”
Hughes replied, grimly.
I don’t claim to be an expert in
male genitalia — not since that
dinner party when the guests
failed to appreciate the brilliance
of me saying: “I’m a guy-
naecologist! Get it? A guy-
naecologist! Anyway, whip them
out and let’s have a look! I’m a pro!”
— but I am aware that the last place
a man’s bits want to be is suspended
above some ice, surrounded by blades.
In these circumstances, a man’s “area”
essentially becomes an internal organ.
This production should perhaps be
renamed The Minimised Monty, The
Hidden Monty or — if they go for a
complete revamp — Where’s Willy?ber 11 2020 | the times
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