Times 2 - UK (2020-12-11)

the times | Friday December 11 2020 1GT 3

times

UP

Classic British

characters

1

UP

Sex dolls

2

To Kazakhstan, where Yuri

Tolochko, a body-builder,

posted pictures on

Instagram of his

wedding to his

fiancée of two

years, Margo.

Just one odd

detail: she is

a sex doll.

What

does the

congregation for a

wedding between a

probably not a Winston Churchill,

is there? But if there was a Walter

Ralley, or Alfred Great, or George

Eliot — either sex, I’m not fussy —

that would be amazing.”

There must have been a chunky

bonus for finding a William

Shakespeare. That’s an exhaustive

contacts list, milked by a pro. But

the moment I became fully convinced

that a film industry maven had to be

behind the vaccine casting came with

the video that went viral — the one of

91-year-old Martin Kenyon, who was

filmed by CNN after he got his jab.

“How did you come to get the

vaccine?” the young American

reporter asked, cornering him

outside Guy’s Hospital in London.

“Well of course I couldn’t find

anywhere to damn well park my car so

I was late,” Kenyon replied — his voice

revealing him to be in the mould of a

more lucid Rowley Birkin, QC, from

The Fast Show. “Anyway, I’m here

now... I went off and had a rather

nasty lunch and then came back and

they were ready for me. And no it

didn’t hurt at all! I didn’t know the

needle had gone in until it came out...

I hope I’m not going to have the

bloody bug now. I don’t intend to have

it... there’s no point in dying now

when I’ve lived this long, is there?”

Word for word, it’s about as perfect a

monologue as you could hope for — a

classic Alan Bennett, Caroline Aherne

or Mike Leigh piece, with a perfectly

minted piece of absurdist British, stoic

philosophy at the end. When the CNN

reporter threw back to the anchors in

the US, they were thrilled in the way

they would have been after watching

Downton Abbey or Fawlty Towers.

Britain had served up exactly the

kind of posh, droll, phlegmatic

— “nasty lunch” — old chap

the rest of the world thinks

we’re stuffed with. The

Britain PLC PR machine

had played a blinder.

“I’m beaming from ear

to ear,” the female anchor

said — palpably thinking of

booking a holiday in the

Cotswolds so she could

enjoy more of this

country’s endearingly

eccentric and now

non-infectious

characters.

Somewhere

in Britain

there is a

casting director

who deserves

an OBE. Bravo,

whoever you are.

It’s been a terrible year for the British

film and TV industry, which has

largely had to sit at home, doing

nothing. Studio lots have fallen silent,

costume designers’ sketchbooks have

been empty, and sound guys’ booms

have been propped up unused in the

hallway — scaring everyone who

glimpses them into thinking there’s a

pole-vaulting cat next to the coat rack.

This is why I was delighted for

our creative industries when the

first vaccines were rolled out this

week. Not because it means that in

a few months’ time, proper full-scale

productions can begin again —

although obviously that’s great.

No, I was happy because, as the

first British citizens to receive the

miraculous vaccine appeared on the

news, it was clear that somewhere a

suddenly re-employed casting director,

on a fat wage, had cast the hell out of

those first choices. Come on! Have you

seen who we gave those first jabs to?

There’s no way that was a random

selection. They were picked by

someone at the top of their game.

The first two we saw were Margaret

Keenan — a cheerful, 90-year-old

grandmother who turned up in a

jolly “Christmas penguin” T-shirt and

cardigan, chirping, “I say go for it! If I

can have it at 90, then you can have it

too” — and an 81-year-old dude called

William Shakespeare! Clearly

someone, somewhere said:

“With these vaccines,

Britain’s going to make

headlines around the

world, and our PR at

the moment is that we’re

generally a country stuffed

with rabid, incompetent

nationalists. It would

be amazing if one

of the first

patients had a

name that was

redolent of

Britain at

its best, so

it plays

well in the

international

coverage.

Something

adorable, and/or

heritagey. There’s

Theatre

with Beale, and Eben Figueiredo

playing all the parts as they dip

in and out of the text. It’s a bit

too dense for young children;

everyone else will surely love

it. Bridge Theatre, London SE

(bridgetheatre.co.uk),

today, tomorrow

A Christmas Carol

Simon Russell Beale is a

choleric Scrooge in Nicholas

Hytner’s glorious adaptation

of the Dickens evergreen.

It’s a slimmed-down

treatment with Russell

Beale, Patsy Ferran, left

Film

2024), where coronavirus has

mutated into the ultra-lethal

Covid-23. It’s audacious and the

first mainstream film to address

unapologetically, in every single

scene, our moment. See review,

p8. In cinemas and on Amazon,

Apple, Google and Sky Store

Songbird

Michael Bay’s lockdown movie,

starring Demi Moore, right,

is a high-octane action satire

that treads a delicate path

between exploitation and social

commentary. The setting is

near-future Los Angeles (in

Pop

creepy but funky masterpiece

to life with a full band, on a

live stream of a performance

recorded at New York’s Poisson

Rouge in November.

dice.fm, today, available

until 9pm

GZA — Liquid Swords

25th Anniversary

Widely held up as one of the

greatest hip-hop albums, Liquid

Swords is loosely based on the

martial arts movie Shogun

Assassin. The rapper brings his

Dance

sets off on her midnight

journey to the Kingdom

of the Sweets.

Royal Opera House, London

WC2 (roh.org.uk), today,

tomorrow and Sunday (all

performances at 2pm).

Returns only

The Nutcracker

The Royal Ballet celebrates

Christmas with Tchaikovsky’s

seasonal classic. Peter Wright’s

glorious staging is rich with

classical splendour and

spiced with tender, teenage

romance, as young Clara

Comedy

just wasn’t feasible yet, so

Mischief Theatre is going

back to its improv roots

with these spontaneously

created film parodies.

Vaudeville, London WC

(nimaxtheatres.com) tonight,

tomorrow, Sunday

Mischief Movie Night

The team behind The Play That

Goes Wrong were supposed to

be back on stage for Christmas

with their most recent show,

Magic Goes Wrong. Then they

realised that a show with so

much audience participation

Opera

TV & RADIO7-DAY

page 23GUIDE

Saturday December 12 2020

It’s Downton

• in Regency
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The Archers at 70Times writers on

their favourite moments on the farm

The star of Bridgerton, a new

corset-ripper set in Regency times

The hot list

Your guide to the weekend

In Saturday Review tomorrow

bodybuilder and a sex doll look like?

Alas, Instagram didn’t show us — but

I’m presuming that on the groom’s

side of the church

there were a lot of

gigantic necks

bursting out of

shirt collars. On

the bride’s side,

meanwhile,

I’m imagining

there were

three

Topshop

dummies,

a Girl’s

World head

wearing a

hat, and a

vibrator in

a pashmina,

crying.

t

Spence as Florestan, Rachel

Nicholls as Leonore and Fflur

Wyn, right, as Marzelline.

Streamed live tomorrow night

and available for a week.

ondemand.operanorth.co.uk

Fidelio

A bold Beethoven celebration

from Opera North in Leeds as

the company’s orchestra and

chorus are reunited for the

composer’s only opera. Toby