called your ‘self-concept’.
‘As a professor, if someone
criticises my intellect, it will
sting,’ says Professor Lindquist.
‘Whereas if someone told me
I’m terrible at basketball, it
wouldn’t hurt so much, because
I don’t consider being good at
basketball central to who I am.’
It means your – and others’- ability to influence your self-
esteem depends on the qualities
you value in yourself. And while
your basketball skills might
rank low on your list of personal
priorities, we suspect that other
qualities, like how well you do
your job, how much your friends
like you and those relating to
your appearance, rank higher.
The latter is the subject of Fat
Talk: A Feminist Perspective by
clinical psychologist Denise
Martz. While researching her
book, she found that women are
more likely than men to initiate
appearance-based exchanges
(‘I’m having such a fat day’) as
a way of bonding. ‘This seems
innocent and harmless,’ she says.
‘But scientific literature suggests
that repeated self-criticism
is associated with poor body
image, lower self-esteem and
disordered eating.’
If it sounds a bit too familiar,
know that you can learn to
speak self-esteem – and, unlike
learning French, it has nothing
to do with conjugating verbs.
To start with, switch your
motivation from aesthetics and
on to performance-based goals.
In fitness, that means setting
targets that focus on strength or
flexibility. Then make a habit of
telling yourself what you can do:
use the present tense (I am, I
can, I make) and lots of positive
vocabulary (strong, powerful,
hitting my personal best). Your
goal is to be able to look in a
mirror and, instead of critiquing
a certain body part, focus on a
feature and pay yourself a
compliment about it. ‘This isn’t
a quick fix,’ warns Dr Martz.
‘But becoming more aware of
the kind of language you use
to talk about yourself and your
goals is a really useful way of
discovering what you value
about yourself, so you can begin
to prioritise other things.’
As for telling your neggy neurological
Nora to do one, Professor Leary has some
advice that you probably never thought
you’d hear from someone with a PhD: be
self-compassionate. Those who are, he
explains, are less likely to take their
shortcomings personally. ‘They don’t tend
to add another layer of self-criticism when
they’re faced with a problem – so the
problem is just about the problem, and not
about them, too,’ he explains. ‘Although
self-esteem [how you evaluate yourself ]
is different from self-compassion [how you
treat yourself ], people who are more self-
compassionate are less likely to talk to
themselves in ways that lower their self-
esteem. It means that changing the way
you talk to yourself really can change the
way you feel about yourself.’
The really good news about self-esteem?
You probably already have more of it than
you think. ‘When asked in what percentile
they would fall on almost any dimension –
friendliness, morality, driving ability,HOW TO
RAISE
YOUR
E-GAMEDO THE FEEL TEST
Become aware of
how certain words
make you feel. Notice
the difference between
saying ‘I’m brilliant’
and ‘I’m disgusting’, for
example. Make a pact
with yourself to cut out
the snarky, appearance-
based vocabulary that
drags you down.whatever – the average person
overestimates their position,’
explains Professor Leary. It
means that even if your self-
esteem in relation to your
appearance is low, your trait
self-esteem – the confidence
you have in your abilities and
personality traits – is probably
higher. Team self-compassion
with a focus on what you know
makes you feel valued by others- loyalty, a taste for dirty jokes,
an insatiable appetite for
dessert – and you can strengthen
your self-esteem just as you can
strengthen your triceps. Grasp
the science of self-esteem and
next time a research team comes
knocking, it’ll take more than a
thumbs down to dent yours.
‘Repeated self-criticism is
associated with poor body
image and lower self-esteem’
THINK MORE
CHRISSY TEIGEN
Basically, a funny,
ballsy inner life coach
who will look for the
gift in bad situations.
‘I really effed up’
becomes, ‘Okay, that
didn’t go well, but I’ve
learned and will do
better.’ Sadly, we can’t
promise a John Legend
lyrical pick-me-up.CONTROL YOUR
MENTAL VOLUME
Every time you have
a positive thought
about yourself, imagine
cranking up the
volume as if there were
a loudspeaker in your
neurons. Every time
you have a negative
thought, visualise a big
cerebral delete button
that erases it.RATE ACTIONS
ABOVE
APPEARANCE
Treat your life like the
red carpet and phase
out the ‘what are
you wearing?’ chat.
Compliment someone
on their actions rather
than their looks and
you’ll shift self-esteem
beyond something
rooted in image.52 | JULY 2019
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