CUTTING WIT AND WICKED BARBS
When others pick on you about being a bard, you need
only remind them that you and you alone have the power
to insult creatures to death. just the other day, your
harsh word about a goblin's haircut caused it to keel
over, bleeding from its ears. But with such great power
comes the great responsibility-of not being lame. When
you use your spells and class features to denigrate your
enemies into an early grave, you need to have a number
of tried and true zingers at hand to add the perfect insult
to the ultimate injury.
INSULTS TO DIE FOR
d20 Insult
l Did your mother have any children who lived?
2 Who dressed you, a grimlock?
3 You smell like a hell hound's hindquarters.
4 You're as helpful as a halfling.
5 Let me guess. You're a self-taught wizard?
6 Your personality has all the warmth of a winter wolf.
7 You're the loveliest hag in the coven.
8 You're not the sharpest piercer in the cave.
9 Aren't you a little short for a giant?
l 0 Truly, your intellect is as deep as a Tenser's floating
disk.
11 Did you wake up in a troglodyte den this morning, or
is that how you normally smell?
12 You must have been sick the day they taught lighting
at warrior school.
13 Gruumsh must have closed his eye when he created
you.
14 I can see you, but where's the dragon that pooped
you out?
15 You've got all the good sense of a mind flayer's last
meal.
16 You don't know a beholder from a gas spore.
17 I suspected you'd fallen out of the idiot tree, but I
didn't know you were dragged through Stupid Forest
afterward.
18 There's nothing about your looks that a full-face hel-
met wouldn't improve.
19 You're about as useful as an ore horde at a tea party.
20 I've seen better-looking faces on a gibbering
mouther.THE WRONG KIND OF PEOPLE
While being the most impressive member of the party
can be beneficial, it does come with some drawbacks.
Attention and renown make others fear and respect you
for sure, but that renown eventually draws sworn ene-
mies to you whose sole purpose is your downfall. And
no matter how fast you eliminate or convert one of those
enemies, it's only a matter of time before another one
takes their place.NOTABLE ENEMIES
dlO Enemy
A guard captain who was fired for failing to catch you
after you flouted the law
2 A former master bard whose songs you stole and
knowledge you plundered
3 A lesser noble who you double-crossed in a brilliant
scheme
4 A fallen paladin who you tricked into breaking their
oath
56789A leader of another adventuring party who blames
you for their downfall
A former adventuring partner who you cut loose be-
cause of their lack of skill
The master of a powerful guild whose wares you were
involved in pilfering
A government official who you tricked into providing
secrets
A former tavern owner who lost their business when
you implicated them in a scheme they weren't actu-
ally involved in
10 A moneylender who you inadvertently bankruptedTRA NSF ERRING COLLEGES
The loose association of minstrels and masters that
was your bard college helps to define your knowledge
and skills. Still, no matter what your original collegiate
connections, as a bard in an Acquisitions Incorporated
campaign, you now focus that learning into your own
personal school of business.COLLEGE OF GLAMOUR
The lessons taught by the College of Glamour are right
in your wheelhouse. Being able to make fr iends and
influence people is the bread and butter of your profes-
sion. Rather than ply this trade in public squares and
seedy alehouses, however, you have trained yourself to
deliver your speeches in boardrooms and guildhalls.
It's all about convincing people to see your side of an is-sue-then motivating them to do exactly what you want.
COLLEGE OF LORE
Some people swear by a well-rounded liberal-arts edu-
cation. But the lore you seek out is a little more useful
in its application. Knowing the capital cities of all the
nations of the world might be nice on trivia night down
at the tavern. But knowing the identity and location of a
dozen nobles' illegitimate children carries a little more
utility in the adventuring world.COLLEGE OF WHISPERS
The College of Whispers teaches a skill set that's attrac-
tive in terms of its power, but which can be incredibly
off-putting to anyone with any moral compass. Thank-
fully, that'll never be a problem for you. The ability to
mess with others' minds is a skill that needs to be used
cautiously and wisely. Otherwise, you'll never gain the
much-needed t r ust that's part and parcel of being an ef-
fective business leader.CHAPTER 3 I PLAYER OPTlONS
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