Delicious UK - (01)January 2020

a good rant.

130 deliciousmagazine.co.uk

PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES/LEE TRACEY

Y

earsago,I comperedsomecooking

demonstrationsata popularhome

show.Nexttothecookerytheatre

wasanareawenicknamed‘thecorridor

ofcrap’.Eachsmallstallhada chapdeftly

demonstratingthelatestthingtomake

cookingeasy:battery-operatedrevolving

spoonstostirsauces;foodbagsthatwould

somehowimbuea smokyflavour;and

dozensofdevicestomakechoppingveg

easier.Bytheendofthe14-dayshowthere

wasenoughmirepoixtomakeEscoffier’s

sauceespagnoleforthefivethousand.

Ofcourse,labour-savingdevicesare

nothingnew.Lookaroundyourkitchen

andyou’llseeanovenandhobinstead

ofa hearth,a fridgeinsteadofanice

houseandknivesinsteadof,er,pieces

ofsharpenedflint.Butthesethings

aregenuinelyuseful– unlike,say,the

Chop-o-matic3000.Inthe1980s,the

kitchengadgetindustryexplodedwith

theadventofcommercialdaytimeTV

(remembertheRap’ToufromK-Tel?).The

ironywasthatif youhavetimetowatch

daytimeTV,youprobablyhavetimeto

chopanoniontheold-fashionedway.

Be warned: this month is the height

ofuseless-kitchen-gadgetseason.Youmay

havebeenboughtsomethingpeculiar

forChristmasbya distantrelativeorfind

yourselfwitha departmentstorevoucher

andfeelcompelledtobuysomethingout

ofa senseofdesperationtogetout.It’s

not just a UK thing, either. French

supermarketsarea greatplacetofindthe

trulybizarre.I wasonceboughta sortof

flaskwithchambersforoilandbalsamic

vinegaranda squirtingmechanism.The

‘dressing’wasmixedwhenyousquirted

it overyoursalad.Sadly,it wasmorelike

a waterpistol– andit hada rangeof

nearlya metre,asmywhiteshirtwasto

attestwhena guestattheother end of

thetabletriedtouseit.

Thentherearethefive-bladeherb

scissors.Howmanyfreshherbsdoyou

chopina daytowarrantlookinglike

EdwardScissorhands?It’sjustonemore

fiddly thing to wash up at the end of

cooking.Inreality,a coupleofgoodsharp

knivescovers 99 percentoffoodprep.

I amnotabovereproach.ForyearsI got

throughtheBritishasparagusseason

withoutanasparagussteamer.How,

I askedmyself,couldI justifythecost(and

lostcupboardspace)fora panthatwould

seeactiononfourorfiveweeksoutof

every52?I couldn’t,butI stillboughtit.

There’sa namefortheseuselessgadgets.

JohnLloydandJonCanter’s 2013 book

Afterliff:TheNewDictionaryof ThingsThere

ShouldBeWordsFor(youcanfindfoodie

wordsinotherlanguagesonp58)contains

thefollowingentry:danbywisken.the

pieceofkitchenequipmentyouneveruse

butmakesthedrawerimpossibletoshut.

Sohowabouta NewYear’sresolution

toclearoutthekitchendrawersand

cupboardsofthosepeskydanbywiskes?

Justnotmyasparagussteamer – I’ll need

it in a few months.

Howmanyherbsdoyou

choptowarrantlookinglike

Edward Scissorhands?

DoyouagreewithAndrewordo

youtakea differentview?Tellus

[email protected]

andwe’llprintthebestreplies

FoodwriterAndrewWebb,yourveryownghostofChristmas

past,hasa warning:ifyou’vemanagedtoavoidreceiving

a pointlesskitchengizmoasa gift,congratulations.Butbe

careful you’re not lured into buying one in the January sales