I LOVE... A KITCHEN
CLEAROUT
I’VEFINISHEDIT.Myfirstscreenplay.Thatdrummingyoucan
hearis a hordeofHollywoodmogulsbeatinga pathtomydoor.
Thestoryis packedwithshocks,horrorsandenoughunpleasant
surprisestoturnyourbeardwhite...it didmine.And,likemost
grippingtales,it is basedona truestory.Thetitle:What’sat the
BackoftheFridge,FreezerandPantry– a ModernHorrorStory.
It'sa grippingfirst-persontaleoffuzzyfoodandoldjars
containingwhatmighthaveoncebeenjamorperhapsthat
tomatokasundithatI hatemorethananythingbutI couldn’tthrow
awaybecauseit washandmadebysomeoneI lovetoomuch.
ThecruxofthisfilmhitswhenI approachcleaningoutthe
freezer.I canheara hundredhorrorfans scream in well-informed
unison,“Don’topenthatdoor!”
It’sbeensolongsinceI lastdefrostedmyfreezerthatI’m
worriedI’llfinda mammothortwohuddledin theback.It’san
eeriemassofunnaturalshapeswrappedin paper.Howoldis that?
Whatexactlyis that?WhydidI buyfishfillets every three months
thatI justinterredhere,nevertouse?
Thisis alsoa moviethatasksthebigquestions,namely,“Isthat
safetoeat?”and"Isit ethicaltotryit outfirst on one of the kids
- orsomeoneelse’skids– toseeif it is?"
Ohyes,thismoviehasit all,includingmemorable dialogue
mercilesslystolenfromcinemaclassics.
“Isit safe?”mycharacterasks,whencontemplatingwhether
todefrostthatunmarkedpaperparcel,unsureastowhetherit
couldactuallybetheoldprawnheadswehidin thefreezer at
Christmaswhentheystartedtostinkoutthebin.
“Youneverknowwhatyouaregoingtoget,”heutterstothe
freezer,whichreallyis likea boxofchocolateswhenyoudon’t
nameanddatethestuffyouputin there.Thetroubleis thatrather
thanraspberrycream,hazelnutorcoffeeswirlyouaremorelikely
tobiteintoflavourslikethree-year-oldflathead,leftoverburnt
pastasauce,orsteaksofredmeatofunknownorigin.
“Myprecious”aremycharacter’swordsondiscoveringthatlast
tinofexpensiveCantabriananchoviespurchasedfroma swanky
deliin SanSebastiánthatI thoughtwe’deatenbutwas,in fact,
hiddenbehindallthetinsoflentilsI boughtbutneverused.
I wouldhaveincluded“SoylentGreenis people”,too,buteven
CharltonHestonwouldknowthewetgreensludgeI scrapedfrom
thecornerofthecrisperdrawwasoncea pairofzucchinithathad
rottedintooneindivisiblemasslikeentwinedEdwardiancorpses.
Whilehorrorin blackandwhitehasa certainpower,thismovie
hastobeshotin technicolour.Otherwise,wecouldnevershow
theamazingpinks,yellows,iridescent blues and murky greens of
the various moulds I uncovered.
Withtwists,turnsanda culinaryendingthatwillleaveyouhappyas
a (fresh) clam,Matt Preston is adding some theatrics to his spring clean.CLAMSINXOWITHLAPCHEONG
ANDWATER CHESTNUTS
SERVES 4
(^1) / 4 cup(60ml)sunfloweroil
4 longgreenshallots,thinlysliced
2 garliccloves,thinlysliced
2cmpiece(10g)ginger,cutintomatchsticks
2 lapcheong(driedChinese sausage), thinly sliced,
casingsremoved
1.5kgbabyclamsor pipis, purged
185gXOsauce
(^1) / 2 cup(125ml)Chinesericewine(shaohsing)
230gslicedwaterchestnuts,drained
200gcrunchyfriednoodles(fromsupermarkets)
1 longgreenchilli,thinlysliceddiagonally
Coriander leaves and toasted chopped almonds, to serve
Heatoilina largewokoverhighheat.Whenoilis smoking,
addthelonggreenshallot,garlic,gingerandlapcheong.
Stir-fryfor1-2minutesuntilshallot begins to soften and
lapcheongstartstobrown.
Addclamsandstir-fryfor3-4minutesuntilclamsjustbegin
toopen.AddtheXOsaucethenthericewineandcookfor
a further3-4minutesuntilallclamshaveopened.Discard
anyclamsthatremainunopened.Addwaterchestnuts
andstir-fryfora further 3-4 minutes until sauce has
thickenedslightly.
Placefriednoodlesin a largeservingbowlandtopwith
clams.Scatterwithchilli,coriander leaves and toasted
chopped almond to serve. PHOTOGRAPHY
NIGEL LOUGH
STYLING AND MERCHANDISING
VIVIEN WALSH
Ofcourse,whatmakesthiskitchenspringcleana blockbuster
is thateachofmyshockdiscoverieshaveplottwistsalltheirown.
Likethecompellingquestion:“Areshepherd’spiesrelatedto
yetis,andif not,howcomemyshepherd’spiehasgrowna thick
whitecoatoffiligree-swaying hairs like it is part of the same hairy
Himalayanfamily?”
Allgreatmoviesneeda boffoending,andminehasonethat
is evenmoreupliftingthanthesightoforganisedshelvesand
freezerdrawsthatopenandclosewithouta 12-roundUFCbattle.
Andthat’sthissurprisinglysuccessfuldinnerI pulledtogether
fromsomeoftherandomtins,jarsandpacketsthatI didn’tknow
wehad,whencombinedwitha bagoffreshlyboughtclamsthat
I now know always to eat fresh and never, ever, put in the freezer.I’M LOVING.
46 delicious.com.au