But that is different from who we are—how we feel—without the
stimulation of our outer reality: Feelings of shame and anger about a failed
marriage. Fear of death and uncertainty about the afterlife, related to the
loss of a loved one or even a pet. A sense of inadequacy due to a parent’s
insistence on perfectionism and achievement at all costs. A sense of stifled
entitlement from having grown up in circumstances barely above poverty. A
preoccupation with thoughts of not having the right body type in order to
look a certain way to the world. These kinds of feelings are what we want
to conceal.
This is who we truly are, the real self hiding behind the image we are
projecting. We can’t face exposing that self to the world, so we pretend to
be someone else. We create a set of memorized automatic programs that
work to cover the vulnerable parts of us. Essentially, we lie about who we
are because we know that societal mores do not have room for that person.
That is the “nobody.” That is the person whom we doubt others will like
and accept.
Particularly when we are younger and are forming our identity, we are
more likely to engage in this kind of masquerade. We see young people
trying on identities like they try on clothes. And in truth, what teens wear is
often a reflection of who they want to be, more than it reflects who they
really are. Ask any mental-health professional who specializes in working
with young people, and she will tell you that one word defines what it is
like to be an adolescent: insecurity. As a result, teens and preteens seek
comfort in conformity and in numbers.
Rather than let the world know what you are really like, adopt and adapt
(because everyone knows what happens to those who are perceived to be
different). The world is complex and scary, but make it less frightening and
much simpler by lumping everyone into groups. Pick your group. Pick your
poison.
Eventually, that identity fits. You grow into it. Or at least that’s what you
tell yourself. Along with the insecurity comes a great deal of self-
consciousness. Questions abound: Is this who I really am? Is this who I
really want to be? But it’s so much easier to ignore those questions than to
answer them.
stevenselfio
(Stevenselfio)
#1