26 newyork| february1–14, 2021
Hedidnotlisten.My direct reportswere
sayingthingstomelike,“It feelslike
workingina sweatshop.”Theexpecta-
tionsgotmoreandmoreridiculous.I was
workingfromnineinthemorningto
11:30at night.I wrotea resignationletter,
andit sat inmy in-box fora longtime.
SUZANNE:Sheusedtosay tomea lot,
“I feellike I can’t protect my team.” I also
feltlike I wasdrowning.Therewerea few
timeswhenI cameclosetoquitting,but
myfamilyisonmy insurancethrough
workrightnow. Ifwedidn’t needmy in-
surance,I don’t knowthat I wouldhave
madeit throughthesummer—andthat
waswhenmy kidswereoutofschool.
CASSANDRA:SuzanneandI weretalking
ona dailybasis.Shehelpedmethrough
lastyear.
SUZANNE:I’mnotina managementrole.
SoI cansay, “I’mturningmy computeroff
atfiveo’clock,”andthey canreachoutto
mybossif they needsomethingat nine
o’ clockat night.Cassandra wastheboss,
soshecouldn’t dothat.
that company Kool-Aid for so long. He
wants to try to make people stay, and he
wants to convince you that it’s going to
get better.
SUZANNE: I knew she was quitting before
she turned her notice in. She’d gotten past
her anxiousness about it and cut the cord.
CASSANDRA: I found a therapist, and the
first time I called her, I was in my bed, say-
ing, “I don’t know what to do because
I thinkI’mgoingtohavea mentalbreak-
down, and I need your help.” I had the sup-
port of my partner, who basically said to me,
“You’ve got to quit that job.”
SUZANNE: It’s just not sustainable. I have
kids, and one income is not enough for us.
But if it wasn’t a pandemic and it was just
like this—I used to teach, I’d go work at a
day care for $10 an hour, I’d go work in the
mall. I would just do something else.SEON-HYE MOON, 35, Davis, California,
adjunct professor and Ph.D. student,
mother of two children ages 5 and 7► pre-pandemic, I was working 50 hours
a week. I was slated to teach through last
fall, but I realized I had to support the kids
full-time. I had an incoming kindergartner
in the fall, so instead of teaching three
courses, I brought it down to one.
My husband, he just works. Until recently,
we lived at my parents’ house, where my
husband took up their bedroom, so he could
work undisturbed. Now we’ve all moved,
and he has his own office space. My husband
has said, “If you could earn more than me,
I would happily be the stay-at-home dad.”
But he likes his work. He’s choosing this, and
we are, in a way, supporting him.
There are moments that I have to just
breathe. I definitely consume more alcohol
than normal. I’m also at Target at night-
time a lot. I go two or three times a week.
One is always for necessities, and the
others are just to browse. That’s when my
kids are asleep. No one’s attached to me.
When my husband and I were both work-
ing full-time, I would ask him to do stuff as
soon as he got home, and he’d get frustrated.
He was like, “I work too. I need to unwind
too.” Now, he’ll do anything I ask. Otherwise
I will unleash the wrath, because he knows
everything that I do. I think it’s the realiza-
tion that we enable him to focus on his work.
There’s definitely an acceptance, plus an
appreciation, which is different.i gave birth to my daughter, Izzy, when
I was 39 and at the height of my career. I’ll
resist glamorizing that time. Life was
good—“full” is more like it—not easy or
perfect. My husband and I both worked
(more than) full-time jobs as we juggled
care for our newborn and our 4-year-old
son. Together, we fudged our way through
a routine of shared, organized chaos that
I thought would propel us through the
next few years.
Genetics would have it another way.
Justas I wasaboutto go backto work,
Izzywasdiagnosed with a rare genetic-
deletionsyndrome resulting in severe
disabilities. Instead of easing back into
theroleof equal breadwinner, I stayed
home,reckoning with the grief and the
overwhelmingdutiesof raisinga childwhomightnot everwalkor talk. My husband went back
towork,andI hatedhimforit.
Inthe monthsafterIzzy’sdiagnosis,themomentsI feltmost productive and whole were when
I fledtoa neighborhoodcafédressedinvestigesofmy formerwork wardrobe. There, I jammed
awayonmy laptop,firingoff emailstodrumupfreelancework. But as a backlog of tasks and
obligationsconsumedmost ofmy “free”time,I scaledbackmy paid work until there was none.
I do plentyoftheotherkind:feeding,bathing,schedulingdoctor’s appointments, facilitating
therapysessions,filinginsuranceclaims,consultinglawyers.
Myhusband’s career, meanwhile,chuggedalongnicely. Here’ssomething that did not surprise
metolearn:A Norwegianstudyfoundthat twoyearsaftergivingbirth, the mothers of chronically
illordisabledchildrenearn 50 percentlessthanmothers ofhealthy or nondisabled children.
Incomeforallworkingfathers—eventhosewithchronicallyillor disabled children—continues
alonga tidy, steadyrise.
Slowly, overtwoyears,I’veadjustedtobeinga momwithout a busy career. Other things
I thoughtI knew aboutmyselfhaveshiftedtoo:Eventsthat I once would have considered “trau-
matizing”—likemy son’s InaugurationDay face-plant,whichlanded him in the ER for seven
hours—registerona new scale.A gushingwoundis a perfectlyfixable problem.
Whenthispandemicis over, many workingparentswillreturn to their patchwork arrange-
ments.Schoolswillreopen,babysitterswillgethired,grandparents will step in. Some may feel
inspiredtoconsidertheirnextbigcareerstep.Meanwhile,mothers like me, caring for the com-
plexkidswelovesomuch,willstillbeat home. ■CASSANDRA: And at the same time,
I was terrified. We had people in our
company catch covid. A woman I hired
in Florida came to work remotely with
covid, and I could hear her over the
Zoom calls with her covid cough. She felt
like, I just started this job, so I can’t rest.
I told her, “Please log off early and go rest.
You need to get better.”
SUZANNE: We used to have flex time. Sud-
denly,takingtimeoffmeanta meetingand
this “Well, what’s your plan?” If I’m sick
now, they’ll ask, “Well, what do you have to
do today?” My husband is texting them be-
cause I’m puking, and he’s at the bathroom
door, saying, “Your boss wants to know
what you have to do today.”
CASSANDRA: I was diagnosed with high
blood pressure. That was my wake-up call.
I called my boss, bawling. I said, “I don’t
have a history of high blood pressure in my
family. This is stress. I have to do some-
thing.” His first reaction was to demote me.
SUZANNE: Her boss is also my boss.
CASSANDRA: I think he has been drinkingWHEN
THERE’S NO
“BACK
TO NORMAL”o f
d h c p
d k s
r a d s dBy Julie Kim