The Times Magazine 5ith 63 million
people worldwide
now having
viewed all
eight hours of
Bridgerton – the
new Netflix show
that could most
usefully be
described as “Jane Austen with banging”;
Sex and Sexability, perhaps, or Northwanger
Abbey – we must now acknowledge that we
live in a post-Bridgerton world.
Despite its monumental success, however,
there are those sour cavillers who claim the
show is “shallow”, “trash” and “a complete
historical travesty – mere chewing gum for the
mind”. But I disagree! Bridgerton has been a
truly educational experience – historical home
schooling for all of us. So I present the Seven
Big Things Bridgerton Has Taught Us.- Balls are super-stressful and awful. It’s
the worst possible way for rich people to try
to reproduce. The men have to choose a
future wife based on how she walks down a
staircase, and women’s reputations can be
ruined by going in the garden and walking
down the “wrong” path. Having watched all
of Bridgerton’s 575,757,575 ball scenes, I would
suggest that the true etymological root of
the phrase “a load of balls” has nothing to do
with testicles – but is a reference to anxious
singletons dancing a quadrille while all the
older, married people sit on chairs, watching
them and bitching. After all, men were totally
in charge of the English language until the
publication of Lace in 1982, and it seems really
unlikely, thinking about it now, that men
would have been slagging off their nads. They
love their nads. They hated balls. That is,
presumably, why we don’t have them any more. - Contrary to everything we have been led to
believe, it is possible to give a young leading
female character – Eloise – a haircut like Dave
Hill from Slade and for it to look really good. - The “This doesn’t depict historical accuracy!
There are four black characters in Bridgerton!
Political correctness gone mad!” brigade are
always oddly picky about which historical
inaccuracies they get angry about. It’s very
notable that every historical drama featuring,
eg, perfect 21st-century teeth never gets
attacked. People are never angry about the
teeth – just, mysteriously, some hot black guy
W
CAITLIN MORAN
Why I binge-watched Bridgerton
The seven big things the sexy Netflix show taught me
ROBERT WILSON
swaggering around as the Duke of Sexington.
Be consistent, guys. Petition for the next Lizzie
Bennet to have wooden dentures, and then I’ll
believe your “It’s just about accuracy” wailing.- Whatever monetary inflation we’ve seen
since 1709 – “My Lord! This castle must
have cost you... four pounds and sixpence!”
- it’s nothing compared with cup and glass
inflation. Have you seen an 18th-century
teacup? It’s the size of a toothpaste cap.
Thousands must have been accidentally inhaled
over the years. X-rays would show lungs full of
them. And the wine glasses? So small there’s
no actual liquid in them – just, essentially,
vapour. They were all on Wine Poppers.
- Women having jobs is 100 per cent good
for men. Dudes who want women to “get back
into the house” forget that when women didn’t
have jobs, any man who did have a job would,
over the course of his life, be “gifted” around
a half-dozen pregnant nieces, unmarried aunts
and random goddaughters, to be “supported”
when their fathers died. A ring on the doorbell
of any mansion in 1789 would almost certainly
reveal a sad-looking woman in a bonnet,
whispering, “I have come to be your needy
ward, Lord Blokeington.” Her dowry alone
would eat hard into the average patriarch’s
“gambling and whoring” funds. Feminism has
been great for men who like gambling and
whoring. Stop complaining about it. - When the average age of marriage was 18,
it was perfectly possible for a man and wife
to have exciting, close-up sex on the stairs
- because her back was still strong and supple,
and she wouldn’t throw out her lower lumbar
vertebrae after the first three thrusts. See also:
having sex on a ladder; having sex in a maze;
having sex in a pagoda in the rain. Watching
Bridgerton made me realise why Britain was so
keen on gaining a global empire – it was just
new locations for married posh people to have
sex in, as they were starting to run out.
- “Making calls” needs to be revived. Doing
all your socialising between 10-11am, when
people turn up, dish the gossip, then bugger
off again? So much more civilised than our
current situation! Why are we all commuting,
in heels, to random bars at 9pm to do this,
when we could come downstairs in a nice
frock, do all the chat – and then be free to get
into bed at 9pm? Or, have sex on the stairs?
Or, inhale a mug? Bridgerton has been so
educational. I can’t wait to see what we will
learn in the next eight, mad, shagging series. n
It made me realise
why Britain was so
keen on gaining an
empire – it was just
new locations for posh
people to have sex in