48 13 February 2021 | The Guardian Weekend
Family Ask Annalisa Barbieri
My stepdaughter says she
hates me. Is it time to leave?
My husband and I have been together for six years. He was widowed
when his children were small and I met him two years after his wife died.
My own daughter lives at home and cannot live independently. She
was a teenager when I met my husband and w as very happy for me ; we
had left her father some years earlier as he was an abusive alcoholic, and
there is no contact. I believe my daughter is incredibly balanced given
her experiences.
My step children are now teenagers. The older one spent a lot of time in hospital when
young ; we get along really well. But my step daughter, who is 13, has never warmed to
me. Our relationship has always been tricky : she often argue s with me and has also taken
things of mine. The situation has now deteriorated. She shouted at her dad that she
hate s me and wishe s he’d never met me. We have since tried to sit down as a family and
talk, but she won’t look at me or direct conversation towards me, referring to me as “she”.
Worryingly, she said she hates living here and doesn’t feel this is her home. She was able
to say how angry and hurt she feels, and has agreed to counselling, which is positive.
Do I stay or leave? I’m not proposing leaving would be good for my step daughter,
as I think it would send lots of negative messages. But I’m not sure I’m strong
enough to survive this : I have a demanding job and a daughter who needs a high level
of care. The issue isn’t so much my step daughter, as I think her turmoil is entirely
understandable. It’s whether my husband can both parent her through it and protect
me from her bile.I don’t think you should leave, certainly not yet, and not over this. Furthermore, if the
issue is your husband, as you say, then that’s what needs to be addressed. I don’t thinkyour step daughter, or either of the other children,
should suff er any more loss or upheaval until
you’ve tried to sort this out.
I spoke to Alison Bruce, a psychoanalytic
psychotherapist ( bpc.org.uk ). She rightly pointed
out the enormous amount of loss your two
families have had to deal with ; we made a list
and it was extensive. It’s great that you and your
husband found each other , but I wondered if, in
the understandable focus on re making a family,
anyone stopped to look at the ruptures endured.
Did your husband or his children have any grief
counselling? Where has all that
pain gone?
You are all dealing with complex
issues, but, as often happens
in families with problems, one
child – here, your step daughter- becomes the “diffi cult one ”, and
she is the youngest and at such a
tender age. Issues not dealt with
in childhood (in this case, her
grief ) often rear their head again
in adolescence. Despite this,
Bruce felt that your step daughter
shouldn’t be the only one to go
to counselling at this point; this
would reinforce the idea she alone
is the “damaged one”. She almost
certainly isn’t.
The fi rst issue to address is you and your
husband. “You both need help in thinking
all this through and supporting the children
with their various issues , ” said Bruce. “You
need to understand each other’s perspectives
and create a space where your diff erences
can be acknowledged and respected.” Bruce
recommended couples therapy. “ Tavistock
Relationships hold computer couple sessions so
you could get help right away , even now during
the pandemic .” Later, you could look at family or
individual therapy.
Your step daughter is locating all her fury
for her loss and heartbreak in you, but to an
extent you are doing the same with her. “You
and your step daughter share similar feelings of
being robbed and usurped ,” said Bruce. “Little
wonder she might be stealing from you. Perhaps
she feels you took her father and her old family
away. You both feel cheated, rejected, mistreated
and misunderstood.”
I can imagine how frustrated and hurt you
must feel, how “easy ”, in some ways, it would
be to walk away. But by joining with your
husband , seeking help and sorting out your
issues, you will not only show responsibility ,
you can then help the others to heal and
move forward
LO COLE/THE GUARDIANIssues not
dealt with in
childhood
often rear
their head
again in
adolescenceIf you would like advice on a family matter,
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