an you get it up?” is not a

question I often ask my male

friends. In fact, the subject has

never, so to speak, arisen. Asking

a man about his erectile

performance is a no-no, a taboo,

a conversation killer.

So it was unusual to find

myself on a video call with two

attractive, confident, millennial

men, the cousins Angus Barge,

30, and Xander Gilbert, 31,

unabashedly telling me about

their erectile dysfunction (ED).

For a long time they both suffered in silence, not knowing the other

was going through the same thing. Every time they searched online

they became frustrated by the lack of available information to help

young men like them. They didn’t feel that it was a serious enough

medical problem to go to the doctor and not an extreme enough

psychological one to see a therapist.

“I was 27 when I first had a problem,” says Barge. “I went home with

a girl one night and nothing happened. I just put it down to booze, but

then the next morning it didn’t work again. I thought it was a bit more

worrying, but tried not to let it bother me. A week later I went on a

date with her and it happened when I was sober. I just remember

being so scared, not knowing what had gone on.”

Then one day 2018 Barge was on a long car journey with his cousin.

The moment felt right for him to

confess. “I don’t know why! It was

one of those times when you know

your mouth is moving and you’re

wondering why you’re speaking.”

What followed was what he calls “the longest silence of my life”, until

Gilbert responded by saying: “Me too.” By the time they parked the

car at the end of the journey, they had shared everything about their

ED that for years they had been unable to talk about. “We soon

realised we wanted to encourage other guys to open up about this too.”

They started reading academic studies. One, from King’s College

London, estimated that up to half of men under 50 have suffered from

ED. Rates have more than doubled over the past 25 years. The reasons

for this form “a complex connected web of causes”, says Peter

Saddington, a sex and relationships counsellor at Relate. “Too much

alcohol, lifestyle choices, obesity.

We’ve also grown more

sedentary, with cars and the ease

of modern life, and exercise is so

important. It releases

endorphins, which promote

healthy sexuality.” ED is also

becoming a problem for younger

men — 30 per cent will

experience it before they turn 30

and three quarters of men who

suffer will not get treated.

The numbers are worrying because the condition can be more than

just a sexual hindrance.“It can serve as a predictive factor for the

diagnosis of underlying issues such as low testosterone, vascular

disorders, diabetes or heart disease,” explains the psychotherapist

Sarah Calvert. “If you are suffering from ED, it’s crucial that in the first

instance you have a medical check-up.”

After two years of research by the cousins, they quit their jobs in the

City and, in the summer of 2020, launched Mojo, a website offering

holistic advice and practical help to men with ED. The site features

more than 50 professionals, from pelvic health physiotherapists and

psychosexual therapists to clinical psychologists and nutritionists.

“One of the first times I had sex it was with a girl who I perceived

to be more experienced than me,” Gilbert says. “I was a teenager and

I thought, OK, I have to put on a good show here. I felt as though she

knew what was going on and I didn’t. I thought I had to ‘perform’ and

then, of course, the complete opposite happened ...”

This early sexual experience became formative. “The issue stayed

with me for years after that — long into my twenties,” he says. “It has

made dating and getting into relationships much more difficult

because the thought is always there: what if it happens again? You feel

judged at the beginning of a relationship and feel pressure to perform.”

Gilbert uses the word “perform” countless times — they both do.

It is unsurprising. We often understand sex as being entirely down to

a man’s “performance”, as though he receives top billing and women

are the support act. That’s a hell of a lot of pressure.

It is difficult to find an equivalent problem for women. Today

women speak openly, and without shame, about orgasms, even if it is

often about the lack of them. Lily Allen sings about them, Phoebe

Waller-Bridge writes about them, whole chunks of Netflix are devoted

to them. ED is still taboo. “You are filled with a fear that the message

will get out that you can’t perform,” Barge says, “that you are a lesser

man, a weaker man somehow.”

It took years after his problems first emerged for Barge to learn what

was really going on down there. During training for a cycling race

three years ago, he had crushed blood vessels in his genitals. In the 12

weeks it took to mend, it transformed from a biological issue to a

mental one. “I had the problem regularly for a year after the initial

injury — the psychological damage was done. Even though the blood

vessels had healed, it had planted a seed of doubt in my mind.”

Did Barge see the young woman again? “Er ... no.” He shifts

uncomfortably in his seat, the first time in our conversation that he

has seemed awkward. “I think self-preservation kicks in. You get in a

flight-or-fight mode: you either want to stay and prove you can do it, or

you never want to see her again, because you’re too embarrassed, too

afraid it will keep happening.”

I feel for his poor date, not least because, years ago, I found myself in

her situation with a previous partner. It left me thinking what many

women feel in that moment: what on earth should I say to make it

better? Often coupled with: is it me? “Men and women both say the

wrong thing in the moment,” Barge says. “Men try to protect

themselves by saying it’s never happened before. But unfortunately

that just makes women feel like it’s their fault instead.”

“We advise ‘I feel ...’ statements, rather than stating everything as

fact,” Gilbert says. “ ‘I feel scared’ or ‘I feel confused’, rather than lying

or pretending it doesn’t bother you when it does. For women it’s about

being understanding, but also using ‘I feel’ statements. ‘I feel it’s me’ is

a common fear — but one that will be immediately put to rest when

you communicate openly.”

You might have thought Barge, in particular, would have been able

to talk about ED. His mother, Dr Amanda Barge, is a sex therapist and

is now among those experts who help Mojo’s men. But even that

conversation proved difficult. The Barges’ situation is uncannily

similar to the premise of the hit Netflix comedy Sex Education. In the

show, a teenage boy, Otis Milburn, is painfully awkward around

C

11.7 MILLION

men in the UK are estimated to

have experienced erectile

dysfunction, and 2.5 million have

given up on sex as a result

EXPERT ADVICE Angus’s mum,

Dr Amanda Barge, below left,

and Dr Roberta Babb help

subscribers to the Mojo website

“I was 27. I went home with a girl one night and

nothing happened. At first I blamed booze”

STAT SOURCE: KCL 2019

The Sunday Times Magazine • 31