The Sunday Times Magazine • 35I
t seems incredible now that we
bought a dog. My wife, my two
daughters and I are profoundly,
unequivocally, cat people. Our
cat, Tara, is the fifth member of
the family. So I was sure it was a
joke when my wife announced
one day in late summer: “We’re
going to get a dog.” But it wasn’t.
With more enforced time at
home looming, a dog seemed a
good way to get out more. To get
the teenagers away from their
screens. They were all for it.
As first-time dog-owners we
knew we needed to start small.
A spaniel? No, something even
more intelligent, definitely. We
went onto pets4homes and
saw some lovely border-doodle
puppies, so we arranged
viewings. The puppies were
fine, but it was the mothers we
really took to. They were collies:
calm but alert, refined, clever.
They would definitely fit into
our household. Four hours’
exercise a day? Exactly what
we were looking for.
So we went to see some collie
puppies. My wife and I were
smitten by a lovely red one, but
the girls weren’t sure. We saw
a litter who were not living in the
best conditions. And we had a
viewing with a brown and white
puppy, quite large, the only one
not yet homed from a litter of
seven. She was already eightweeks old, so if we liked her we
could take her there and then.
After half an hour of standing
about awkwardly in a windy
farmyard, we had to make a
decision. We had no more
viewings lined up; another
lockdown was fast approaching;
and we’d come a long way. So
much so that I had to use the
farmer’s loo — and after that
I felt we had to buy. The farmer
said he would happily take her
back if things didn’t work out.
That seemed unlikely. Surely
two adults, both working from
home, and two teenagers could
between them handle one small
puppy. But already that was a
miscalculation because the
girls, after feverish enthusiasm
in the choosing, buying and
naming phase — we called her
Mabel — lost interest within
hours of the dog entering our
home. We were on our own.I admit it: we had no idea
what owning a puppy involved.
We didn’t know we wouldn’t be
able to leave her alone for a
second. It was like having a baby
human, but a hyper-mobile
one that wees constantly,
compulsively stalks the cat
and doesn’t wear nappies. And
then, after about a week, it
happened: the poo apocalypse.
Just as my wife was serving
up our evening meal, Mabel
struck, with a large, smelly splat
on the kitchen floor. My wife
went to grab her so I could clean
up, and Mabel shot off with her
training lead swishing behind
her, straight through the poo —
flicking it up so it spattered the
drawers, cupboards and walls,
like in the Trainspotting scene
about Spud’s hangover.
One day, after another
endless morning of taking it in
turns to watch Mabel charge
around a cold, damp garden,
my wife and I simply knew we
couldn’t do it any more. The
decision to take her back was
awful — but also brought a
feeling of enormous relief.
When we arrived back at the
farm, Mabel, this puppy who
rarely wanted to be held by us,
almost leapt into the farmer’s
arms. Then he placed her down
and she trotted off without a
backward glance.“We couldn’t do it any more”
ALAMY, GETTY IMAGES
The reality of life with a new puppy led Rob Nash
and his wife to a heartbreaking conclusionOwning Mabel felt like having
a “hyper-mobile” baby humanat you with a stare that says,
“I thought the room needed it,”
but they have long since forgotten.
Even if you do get there as they
are up to no good, a short, sharp
admonishment is enough. Puppies
have brief concentration spans, so
if you are still ranting a couple of
minutes later, they won’t connect
it to the misdeed. They’ll just be
thinking you have anger issues.
4 On that topic, please don’t
hit your dog. Yes, you can break
a pet into submission, but it will
be a fearful and tense compliance.
Perhaps it was once seen as an
acceptable way to do things,
but then so was smoking 40
Woodbines while watching The
Black and W hite Minstrel Show.
5 Don’t walk them too far too
soon. You may have got a dog with
the notion of galloping through
forests together as if in an ad for
low-fat yoghurt, but you must wait
until joints are fully formed and
they are physically capable of
joining you. Mentally they are
willing from day one, but keep that
youthful enthusiasm in check.
With some breeds you might have
to wait as long as 18 months. With
others of a heavier variety you’re
entirely wasting your time.
6 Above all, do not spoil them.
I know I have limited your options
for pack dominance with points
3 and 4, but you must remain the
boss — a kind and non-corporal
one, but the boss nonetheless. If
you give in to every whine and
whimper, treat them as a toy or let
them run wild, then you may end
up with a gremlin rather than a
Gizmo. Often the dogs who are
given up or given back are those
who seem out of control. Instead
it’s just that they have never been
shown any control.
Finally ... enjoy it. Tiring though
it might be, ruined though several
items of furniture become, this is
part of the deal you made. Besides,
puppies are perhaps the most
optimistic creatures in the known
universe, and we all need a bit of
that just now.
So to the correspondent I say
yes, it does get easier. But if you
can pause amid the carnage and
the sleep deprivation and all the
work required, and manage to
revel in the glorious idiocy of a
puppy, then it really doesn’t get
any better either.
Olive, Mabel and Me: Life and
Adventures with Two Very Good
Dogs by Andrew Cotter is out now
(Black and W hite £20)