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SOUTHERNLIVING.COM / JULY 20 19
27
SOCIAL GRACES
Thanks for the
Memories—and the
Dutch Oven
Our columnist takes down a perpetual myth
about wedding thank-you notes and sends a
call to duty for newlyweds everywhere
BY ELIZABETH PASSARELLA
R
AISE YOUR HAND IF, when you got married, you
heard the lie that you have a year to write your
thank-you notes. You? You too? I definitely did—
along with the related rule of having a year to give a
gift, something that led me to procrastinate with
summer weddings and then send a rogue trio of
Christmas ornaments in December. I recently asked
several friends, all of whom have been married for 10 to 15
years, and every one remembered it as a relief they took very
much to heart. Is that why this lie persists–so the bride who’s
losing sleep over catering costs and dress fittings gets at least
one promise of reprieve from all the stress? Maybe. My child-
hood friend Murff texted me that exact sentiment: “I definitely
remember being told that, and it was a great comfort since
I took my time.” (I should note that she had a very large
wedding, so there was a lot on her plate.) It’s like the promise
of a runner’s high as a balm for a half-marathon. Lie.
I’m not sure where this rule of thumb
originated, but the truth is, most of us know
that it’s polite to be prompt. (Even The Emily
Post Institute says you have only three months.)
The longer you wait, the more likely it is that
every note will start with some iteration of,
“What’s that they say about taking a year to
write thank-you notes? Ha ha.” At least, that’s
how mine would go. Let’s be better! Here’s my
encouragement to busy brides—and grooms.
Prioritize the right people. Start with your
great-great-aunt, who is worried you never got
the sterling asparagus server, despite what the
nice salesperson said. Give her peace of mind.
Put your college roommate on the back burner.
Include a personal detail. You’ve heard this
but may assume it means a detail about the gift
or how you’ll use it, which can be hard when
most of the stuff is still in boxes in your parents’
den. Instead, incorporate a memory from the
wedding: “You and Uncle Dan were the talk
of the dance floor during ‘Ain’t Too Proud To
Beg.’ You’ve always been the best dancers in
the family. We love the soup bowls. Thank you
so much!” If the giver didn’t attend, include a
detail about your friendship: “Your Oscars party
was one of my favorite nights of the year. I
can’t wait to host you soon. We’ll do soup!”
Divide and conquer. Have your spouse write
half—if not 50%, then a big chunk. Now, 14 years
ago, my kind husband did no such thing. At the
time, I reasoned that he was busier than I and had terrible
handwriting. When he did write thank-yous, they were to
his or his parents’ friends—your side of the aisle, your notes.
But think how ecstatic your mom’s lifelong bridge partner
would be to receive a letter from your new husband saying
how great it was to meet her and that the sheets she gave you
are the nicest ones he’s ever owned. (I’ll add that I enjoyed
writing to my in-laws’ friends the most, simply because it
gave me a connection to this new community of people
who had always loved the man I love.)
Don’t dread it. They don’t need to be long. If you think you’re
too busy, well, you’re probably no busier than you’ll ever be
until perhaps retirement. And even then, you may have a lake
house to maintain. Thinking of one day adopting a rescue
dog? Renovating? Having a baby? Get those notes done now
before things get even more hectic. If you do fall behind,
just sneak them onto your spouse’s list. I said it’s okay. å
