That, at least, was the plan. On October 6 1078, Jarl
Isleifur dies of old age at 72, and the murder plot dies
with him. It seems that he was such a good Catholic, God
simply couldn’t wait any longer to meet him. I now play
as his son Teitur, who has lurked in the background
without doing very much (the lazy sod) but is keen to
follow his father’s example.
After (presumably) mourning the death of my father,
I sit back and consider the land that I’ve inherited. Dad
was a good man, but is prioritising courtesy, friendliness
and piousness above all else really the best way to go?
We lost no land during his reign, nor did we gain any.
It was nice to see him make a friend in his twilight
years, but putting that friend in the council to keep
him close led to bandits running all over the place.
Repeatedly. And now, I find that Yosi has a low
opinion of me! It was probably my fault for doubting
my father. I promise myself I will continue to walk in his
well-meaning footsteps.
Yosi meant a lot to my dad, so I put him back on the
council as steward. I don’t want to undo all that hard
work to get Sigfus on-side, either, so I make himwhere do babies come from?”, I asked. “I don’t know,” he
replied, before bursting into tears. I think my step-mother
Caisséne must have taught him eventually though.
To my dismay, I find that Caisséne has a very low
opinion of me. Come on, Caiss! You know dad would
want us to get along! I give her a job as spymaster, and
start a scheme to sway her. Fortunately, this doesn’t take
long to work, and I like to think that she lets me call her
‘mother’. I imagine dad looking down on us and smiling,
as he shares another flagon of mead with his best mate
God. I am in fact constantly aware of dear old dad
looking down on everything that I do, and vow to
impress him from here on out.
I’m minding my own business, praying in between
saying kind words to people that pass by, when little Dag
comes up to have a word. He’s heard of a thief that’s
been sentenced to death, and doubts that God would
approve. Naturally, I set him right, and inform him that
God would very much approve. Thou shalt not steal, my
boy, it’s right there in The Ten Commandments! And if
you think God wouldn’t approve of the death sentence,
you wait until I teach you about what he did to Job just
to win a bet with Satan.
Uneventful weeks pass by, with the people poor but
content, and me complimenting people on their shoes and
whatnot, when suddenly, alas! A peasant rabble gathers,
and I receive word that they are targeting me. I give Yosi
some side-eye – all those years of bandits running amok
can’t have helped – but I keep my counsel on the matter.
See, dad? I am temperate and respectful of your friend.
In the midst of my preparations for a potential civil
war, there is scandal at the court. Sigfus has been caught
cheating on his wife! Cad! Villain! Unchivalrous rogue!
This will not stand. I immediately place him under
arrest. That’ll teach him for putting his soldier in
another woman’s regiment. I look up at the sky, and give
my dad a hearty thumbs up.
I’ve only just finished patting myself on my chivalrous
back when things take a rather unexpected turn. You
would think, perhaps, that Sigfus’ wife would call me
many unkind names for placing her husband under
arrest. Instead, she takes the first available opportunity
to flirt heavily with me, making it clear that she wishes
me to... ah... enter her court. Shameless strumpet! I
would never cheat on my wife, least of all with the
unprincipled likes of her!
I make sure to shame her as publicly as possible. I
don’t imprison her, as this reaction to her husband’s arrest
suggests that she has a thing for handcuffs, and I don’t
want to give her the satisfaction. I see a long line of
middle-aged men asking for this woman of loose morals’
name and address so that they can be sure to avoid her.THE PLEBS An average Crusader Kings III crowd
1Wise, pious, almost
certainly cheating
on his wife.2
Kind, shy, generous,
destined to be
brutally murdered.3
Selfish, greedy,
quick to anger,
destined to prosper.4
Money. Cash.
Moolah.
Worshipped by
people of all faiths.chancellor. He’s greedy, but calm and
honest, which is a good combination
for the position, maybe...?DAGNABBIT
My son Dag is only six years old, but
he’s already a gambler, so I officially
make him my ward in order to bring
him up right. I’ll make dad proud.
Significantly, underage gambling isn’t
the biggest family revelation, though.
I learn (remember?) that I have no
mother. I don’t mean that she’s dead;
I mean that, according to the family
tree, I have no mother. It all comes
back to me now, that day I tried to
have The Talk with my father. “Dad,1423120 CHRISTMAS 2020
PERSONAL ADVENTURES IN GAMES
DIARY