P.S. I Still Love You

in her ear, petting her hair tenderly.
It all happens in the span of seconds, but it feels like time goes in slow-motion, like I’m moving
through water. I think I stop breathing; my head goes fuzzy; everything around me blurs. How many
times have I seen them stand just like that? Too many to count.
“Keep driving,” I manage to say to John, and he obeys. He drives right past Peter’s house; they
don’t even look up. Thank God they don’t look up. Quietly I say, “Can you take me home?” I can’t
even look at John. I hate that he saw too.
John begins, “It might not be.. .” Then he stops. “It was just a hug, Lara Jean.”
“I know.” Whatever it was, he missed his game for her.
We’re almost at my house when he finally asks, “What are you going to do?”
I’ve been thinking it over this whole ride. “I’m going to tell Peter to come over tonight, and then
I’m going to tag him out.”
“You’re still playing?” He sounds surprised.
I stare out the window, at all the familiar places. “Sure. I’m going to take him out and then I’m
going to take Genevieve out and I’m going to win.”
“Why do you want to win so badly?” he asks me. “Is it the prize?”
I don’t answer him. If I open my mouth, I will cry.
We’re at my house now. I mumble, “Thanks for the ride,” and I get out of the car before John can
reply. I run into the house, kick off my shoes, and run up the stairs to my room, where I lie down and
stare at the ceiling. I put glow-in-the-dark stars up there years ago, and I scraped most of them off
except for one, which hung on tight as a stalactite.
Star light, star bright, the first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish
tonight. I wish not to cry.
I text Peter: Come over after you’re finished hanging out with Genevieve.
He writes back one word: Okay.
Just “okay.” No denials, no explanations or clarifications. All this time I’ve been making excuses
for him. I’ve been trusting Peter and not trusting my own gut. Why am I the one making all these
concessions, pretending to be okay with something I’m not actually okay with? Just to keep him?
In the contract we said we’d always tell each other the truth. We said we’d never break each
other’s hearts. So I guess two times now he’s broken his word.