41

PETER AND I ARE SITTING on my front porch; I can hear the TV on in the living room. Kitty’s
watching a movie. There is an interminably long silence between us, only the sound of crickets
chirping.
He speaks first. “It isn’t what you think, Lara Jean; it really isn’t.”
I take a moment to gather my thoughts together, to string them into something that makes any kind of
sense. “When we first started all this, I was really happy just being at home with my sisters and my
dad. It was cozy. And then we started hanging out, and it was like... it was like you brought me out
into the world.” At this his eyes go soft. “At first it was scary, but then I liked it too. Part of me wants
to just stay next to you forever. I could easily do that. I could love you forever.”
He tries to make his voice light. “Then just do that.”
“I can’t.” I take a shaky breath. “I saw you two. You were holding her; she was in your arms. I saw
everything.”
“If you’d seen everything, you’d know that it wasn’t anything like what you’re saying,” he begins. I
just stare at him, and his face falls. “Come on. Don’t look at me like that.”
“I can’t help it. It’s the only way I can look at you right now.”
“Gen needed me today, so I was there for her, but just as a friend.”
“It’s no use, Peter. She laid claim to you a long time ago, and there’s just no room for me here.”
My eyesight is going fuzzy with tears. I wipe my eyes with my jacket sleeve. I can’t be here anymore,
around him. It’s hurting me too much to look at his face. “I deserve better than that, you know? I
deserve... I deserve to be someone’s number one girl.”
“You are.”
“No, I’m not. She is. You’re still protecting her, her secret, whatever that is. From what, though?
From me? What have I ever done to her?”
He spreads his hands helplessly. “You took me away from her. You became my most important
person.”
“But I’m not, though. That’s the thing. She is.” He sputters and tries to deny it, but there’s no use.
How could I believe him when the truth is right in front of me? “You know how I know she’s your
most important person? You pick her every time.”
“That’s bullshit!” he explodes. “When I found out she took that video, I told her that if she ever
hurt you again, we were done.” Peter’s still talking, but I don’t hear anything more that comes out of
his mouth.
He knew.
He knew it was Genevieve who posted that video; he knew and he never told me.
Peter isn’t talking anymore; he’s peering at me. “Lara Jean? What’s the matter?”
“You knew?”
His face goes gray. “No! It’s not like how you think. I haven’t known this whole time.”
I wet my lips and press them together. “So at some point you found out the truth, and you didn’t tell
me.” It’s hard to breathe. “You knew how upset I was, and you kept defending her, and then you found
out the truth, and you never told me.”