80 INNOVATION& TECHTODAY|2020 YEAR-END ISSUE
The
Lighter
SideJack Dorsey Hoping History
Remembers Him as
“The Square Guy” Instead
Louie Aronowitz is a writer for Hard Money Writer, follow him on twitter @louiearonowitz or for
moretechandfinancesatire,visit Hard-Money.netBy Louie Aronowitz
Jack Dorsey, founder and CEO of both
Twitter and Square, has stated he’d prefer his
historical legacy center around the latter
company as opposed to the former, sources
indicate. The now bearded visionary who’s
behind some of the most important technology
today attempts to shy away from any linkage to
Twitter while constantly trying to steer towards
Square or even CashApp.
“How will I be remembered 100 years
from now? As the guy that shifted us
off paper money and into digital
payment, or the guy that made
that site where everyone hates
everything and cancels each
other and is slowly eroding the
fabric of our society?” Dorsey
pondered, video conferencing
from a two-week starvation retreat in
the wilderness of Gisakura. “The most
powerful man on the planet can post insane
ramblings while taking a dump, causing the
economy to crash, while simultaneously,
someone is called a Nazi because they like the
wrong ‘Star Wars’ movie? Please, just credit me
with Square and pretend Zuck or Bill Gates
made Twitter.”
Experts have mostly agreed Dorsey will be
branded the Twitter guy forever, whether he
likes it or not. And based on his body language
he most certainly does not like it.
“He could cure cancer and the headline
would say, ‘Twitter founder does other thing
that’s still overshadowed by the stain of
Twitter,’” said modern history professor Mary
Racone. “It’s too bad because he’s a real smart
dude, Square is a revolutionary technology...
But Twitter is actively causing the downfall of
humanity. CashApp is really great and will getmore people adopting crypto currencies but
Square will likely become obsolete when we
stop using money altogether and resort to
bartering with human organs or whatever. Kind
of funny how that works.”
Fellow tech CEO’s have agreed with Dorsey’s
sentiment, worrying about their legacy in
human history.
“No matter what I do, I will forever be the
dick-pic-app-guy,” commented Evan
Spiegel, founder of Snapchat. “At
least Twitter can make the
argument that the users ruined
a good idea. My platform was
just straight up made to send
dick pics; that was the starting
point and that’s certainly what
the end point will be.”
There is also concern amongst board
members that Dorsey’s commitment to a goat-
like beard could be materially harming
shareholders, but conversations to convince
him to get a trim reportedly spurred the CEO
to respond with a rather lengthy diatribe about
the value of knowing oneself and silent
meditation while running the most toxic
platform on earth.
At press time, a history professor from the
year 2120 came back from the future to
confirm, “In 100 years, Jack Dorsey is known
simply as the second most influential tech mogul
of the 21st century in the textbook our lord and
savior Mark Zuckerberg uploads into our
brains at birth. Also, whatever you do, don’t
elect The Rock as president. It seems like a
great opportunity at the time but it’s one of the
most disastrous things to ever happen to
America.” QPhoto: Mark Warner via wikimedia.orgComing Next Issue
Building a Smarter World
While the COVID-19 pandemic has put
the breaks on many things in industry and
entertainment, the innovation of smart
technologies persists. Whether it be smarter
homes through connectivity, sensor lighting, and
security, or smarter cities made more efficient
with an array of data collecting devices, we are
building a smarter, more interactive world.
Where does 5G come into play? How will the
fifth-generation wireless standard enhance
our collective efforts to create smarter
environments?What comes after 5G?
Distance Communication Technology was
already racing towards virtual independence
before the COVID-19 crisis placed much
heavier importance on the need for distance
technologies. Right now, there are existing
venues in place for education, work, and play.
What can a post-COVID-19 world bring to
distance work? Will we revert to previous
standards and protocols in the office, grocery
store, and movie theater? Will Zoom, online
education, and the virtual event experience
continue its take over?
Although the need for personal human
interaction remains, there is also a need for
technology to keep the world moving in the face
of a pandemic.5G and Healthcare
Most of us want faster smartphones. Most
want smoother interactions online and in the
marketplace. All of us want improved healthcare.
With all that 5G is doing in manufacturing,
robotics, air travel, and communication, could its
greatest impact be in how we take care of one
another? How we care for our sick and dying?
Off the top, patients can expect quicker
diagnosis as images, large files, and additional
health information at 5G speed will be
instantaneous. The technology is also expected
to do more than improve efficiencies, experts say
it will transform the global healthcare system.CES 2021 is All-Digital
As the second wave of COVID-19 is expected
and the industry braces for another series of
shutdowns, the virtual event is gaining traction,
not only as a future possibility for businesses
with small travel budgets but as a safeguard
against future COVID-19 outbreaks and unknown
pandemics.
Traditionally held in Las Vegas, the event this
year is all-digital and took place Jan. 11-14.