The Times Magazine 11each other. There has to be an understanding
that these early re-entry days are sacrosanct
and not for sitting next to your friends’
neighbours being asked questions about how
you originally met and what age your children
are. Come on! These days are ring-fenced for
seeing the people you have most missed, who
are going to help you make up for three and
a half months of zero socialising. They are
for breaking open the expensive olives and
chocolates (and all the other posh extras
you bought for Christmas before Christmas
was cancelled) and drinking and eating and
dancing and singing without a lot of total
strangers staring at you and nudging each
other in the ribs. Note: this is no time to get
your Must Have the New People in the Village
obligation out of the way. Forget it.
Manage your re-entry expectations. In our
minds all post-lockdown socialising is going
to be like a cross between VE Day, one of
Gatsby’s parties and your best kitchen disco.
Not saying it can’t be that much fun, just that
socialising PL will take much the same form
as it did before, depending on restrictions. It
may be that you look across the table at some
point and think, “Oh God, Martha’s getting on
to telephone masts... Time to leave.”
Don’t go too big, too early. With a smaller
party, you’ll see more of the people you want
to see. Cast your mind back. We were getting
pretty comfortable with the rule of six; it’s the
perfect number, really.
SOME THINGS YOU WILL WANT TO AVOID AT
YOUR FIRST POST-LOCKDOWN GATHERING
Overgreeting. Definitely something to watch
out for. After months of separation there
will be the temptation to do a lot of squeally
kissing and hugging but this will not be to
everyone’s taste. Don’t be the person who
says, “Sorry, I’ve got to – I just have to! That’s
who I am!” Fine. We get it. But some will not
wish to be kissed or hugged and they won’t
appreciate being made to feel like Anna
Wintour for keeping you at arm’s length.
Once we’re back out there, the correct
protocol is to check, “Are we hugging?” before
you lunge, and if the answer is, “No,” accept
that is no weirder than turning down the
offer of a can of Tizer. Some people weren’t
that keen on up-close greetings anyway and,
having gone for a whole year without getting
a cold, are in no hurry to dive back in.
Overdrinking. Same rules apply as pre-
lockdown, but we’re all going to be demob-
happy-plus, so the risk of overdoing it is
approximately 70 times higher than it would
be normally. What can we say? Have a glass
of milk. Eat a banana. Avoid the smoking
green cocktail, and don’t panic that the
champagne is going to run out, so you
need to get it down fast before the
others can (see also hosting duties).Bragging about all the things you
achieved in lockdown. Seriously
need to be careful with this one
because a) you may well be in
the company of people who have
struggled, and b) no one wants
to know about your lockdown
experience once we’re out of it.
Note: there will be pressure on
all of us during these first gatherings
post-lockdown to step up and not bore
our friends. If you have been dying to tell
someone about your piles, your Peloton, the
Walter Presents thing you’re watching, then
bad luck. The new rules of socialising require
all of us to dig deep, focus and not be dull.
We can get back to moaning and doom and
comparing box sets soon enough.Lockdown shaming. You know who you are.
We know who you are. That said, there is very
little advantage to dredging up the time when
we heard All Five Whatsits in the background
during a phone call. Or the other time when
the doorbell went and it was clearly not the
Ocado man. We do quite want to play the
game of who had the (morally) better
lockdown, but no good will come of it.
Everyone has “forgotten” all their worst
offences anyway, and if you catch them out
they’ll only say, “Yes, but I’d had the test.” Or,
“We’ve all had it, so...” You’ll get nowhere.Lockdown observance boasting. What a lot
of us have been saying since the middle of
February is, “We’ve been So Good during
lockdown,” meaning, “We have abided by the
law.” None of us who think we’ve been So Good
(when the Whatsits really have not) deserve
a special reward and we need to get over it.Looking too thin. Some clever people have
reversed the lockdown trend for piling on
two dress sizes. They’ve been doing so many
exercise classes online and making so much
bone broth that they have never been in better
shape. Great! Really well done them. But
bear in mind that life indoors has not suited
everyone and immediately post-lockdown,
when most of your friends are wearing kaftans
over Spanx and looking like Phil Spector
grooming-wise, is possibly not the moment to
show off your new PL figure. If you look hotter
than you’ve done since the Nineties – in your
opinion – go with the middle-of-the-road outfit
is all we’re saying. The miniskirts can wait.Having already had a haircut and colour
and a manicure and a full body wax. Samedeal. It’s not particularly sisterly. The sign of
post-lockdown solidarity will be one of those
small burns you get on your upper lip from
using Veet strips incorrectly, and a fringe
cut by your husband.Overdressing. As in, don’t alarm your friends
by sprucing up as if going to a New Year’s
Eve party in your peak pulling days. We’re
meeting up post-lockdown 2021, not time-
travelling. Admittedly, there’s a part of us that
feels like we’ve been so starved of sprucing
opportunities we might as well go the full
Cher, but there’s a bigger part urging us to
take it gradually lest we get the bends. Normal
world Friday-night effort will be sufficient.Underdressing. As in, meeting up outside and
not coming prepared for the temperature drop
and light drizzle, and then having to leave.
Where have you been?Turning up with a lot of lockdown hobby
produce. Bring some homemade sourdough,
lovely; chutney, by all means. Just don’t
make a big deal of it.Things NOT to say
Is anyone watching Call My Agent?
Oh! Still no doors to the garden? We knocked
ours through during lockdown.
Who wants to see my marmalade larder?
Who wants to see my new “office”?
I won’t, thanks. I’m driving.
OMG, has anyone discovered Walter Presents?
The Maldives/Venice/Verbier in February
was amazing.
Really, it’s brought us much closer together.Things TO say
You suit it very long and grey.
Honestly, you were too thin before.
Goodness, you’ve been busy in the garden.
Wow. To think I thought of this as a side return.
WFH in bed is meant to be good for your back.
We never got around to clearing out the
shed either.
Who needs abroad when we’ve got this?
It’s fine, I’m wearing two layers of thermals.
We missed you. nDefinitely avoid having a fight
This could happen. Lots of drink
plus a few careless remarks (“I’ve
definitely got Long Covid; what
you’ve got sounds more like the
menopause”) and you’re off. Very
important not to have a fight with
your friends the first time you’ve
seen them since last August
(see VE Day-type spirit)