‘Two years
after I broke
down, I am
sane, healing
and hopeful’
38 | BIGISSUE.COM FROM 01 MARCH 2021
wo years ago I went as mad as a March hare. Massive
overwork, perfectionism and years of buried
pressure became a chaotic stew of manic worry
and self-loathing. Split, in my soul, between the
person I wanted to be and the person I felt myself to
be, and jacked up on my trigger, cannabis – do any
of us still doubt how dangerous this drug is? – I boiled over into a
complete breakdown.
I believed the radio was talking to me. Ironically, I used to work
on some of the programmes I heard, and know the presenters, who
specialise in sounding as though they are talking to you. And I dug
holes in my ceiling, trying to turn a block of �lats in a university of
universal peace, as you do. I set my car to roll down a bank, not mad
enough, thankfully, to be in it.
Sectioned by an excellent social worker, I was detained in hospital in
Wakefi eld. It took me a little time to come down – about two days – and
two weeks to begin healing. I knew I was going to write about it all, so
investigating what happens when we break down and how we can be
helped became part of the process.
First, I learned, as we are all learning through the pandemic
and these ferocious times, all of us are on a scale between very
distressed and perfectly well, and most move around on it over the
course of our lives.
Next, having a breakdown is a natural reaction to extreme stress.
Put too much pressure on any of us and we snap. When I snapped, I
believed the security services were on my side, and expected contact
with aliens at any moment. It turns out that these kinds of delusions
are common and that delusions are a kind of language.
At the time I was unable to talk and think my way through
swamps of pain, worry and guilt. It has taken two sane years to order,
understand and write about them. So it seems my stoned and sleepless
brain took a dramatic short-cut. Everything could be explained away – I
was in the service of higher powers! If your reality is unbearable, an
alternative is a logical step.
Now I learned that should you have a breakdown, our system
will strongly advise you to take powerful medication, which will be
prescribed on a trial-and-error basis, according to the side e�fects
you experience.
But the most successful treatment for breakdown, developed in
Finland, uses minimal medication, and understands delusions to be a
desperate form of communication.T
Talking, not pills, can of er the best route
out of mental crisis, says Horatio ClareCULTURE |
HEALTH