Reader's Digest - USA (2019-07)

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell,

“Where’s my phone?” and it yells,

“Down here! In the couch cushions!”

—@Here_To_Laugh

cents in? Somebody’s

making a penny.

—steven wright,

comedian

The graveside service

had just ended when

there was a frightening

clap of thunder, fol-

lowed by a tremendous

bolt of lightning

accompanied by even

louder thunder. The

little old man looked

at the pastor and said

calmly, “Well, she’s

there.”

—Submitted by

G.C. via mail

A young lawyer is

working late one night

when his door opens

and in walks Satan

himself. “I have an

offer,” says Satan.

“If you give me your

soul and the soul of

everyone in your fam-

ily, I’ll make you a full

partner in your firm.”

The lawyer stares

icily at the devil for

a full minute before

demanding, “So what’s

the catch?”

—kinsleylaw.com

Got a funny joke? It could be worth $$$.

For details, go to rd.com/submit.

MEET THE MOST ABSURD

HOLLYWOOD CLICHÉS

with no discussion of type,

brand, or receptacle.

—@tjchambersLA

✦Hi. I’m the best friend

of a murder victim. Even

though the police come to

my workplace to question

me about my dead friend,

I’ll just unload this truck or

clear these busy tables as

we talk instead of giving

them my full attention.

—@steve_eifert

✦Hello. I’m the Golden

Gate Bridge in a movie.

I will be destroyed.

—@MichaelLevySF

✦Hello. I am a person

using a phone in a movie.

I don’t say goodbye

before I hang up. I just

stop talking and put the

phone down and the

person on the other end

somehow just knows

I’m not there anymore.

—@mattsinger

✦Hello. I’m a nurse in

a movie. I sit at the desk

and know nothing but

visiting hours and the

location of every patient

and doctor in the hospital.

—@politinurse

✦Hello. I’m a bar patron

in a movie. I can walk into

any bar for the first time

and say “Two beers,

please” and the bartender

will hand me two beers

Reader’s Digest

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