W
hen you’re sitting in a train
carriage or café full of people
silently glued to their phones, it’s
easytoassumewe’relosingthe
art of connecting with people.
But actually, it’s the opposite;
we’re finding more new and innovative ways to connect
and it’s helping combat the loneliness epidemic.
There has been much talk of loneliness in recent
months, and we now know it’s not just a problem for the
elderly. A study by Relate found that a fifth of 35 to 44
year olds feel lonely, compared to 13% of over 65s. We
also know that ongoing loneliness can impact both
physical and mental health. As well as increasing the
risk of depression, loneliness is as harmful as smoking
15 cigarettes a day, according to one study, increasing
yourstresslevels,bloodpressureandriskof
Alzheimer’s disease.
We are particularly vulnerable to loneliness at times
of transition, such as the end of a relationship or
bereavement, leaving home, changing jobs, retiring,
havingababyormovingtoanewarea.Butwecanalso
feel lonely if we don’t make time to connect with people
face to face, says clinical psychologist Linda Blair,
author ofThe Key to Calm(Yellow Kite). “Technolog y
has evolved but our brains haven’t. The cerebral cortex,
the thinking part of the brain, registers digital contact,
but the emotional centre of our brain, the amygdala,
doesn’t, so it feels deprived of human contact,” she
says. According to the Relate research, only one in seven
of us has daily face-to-face contact with friends.THE NEED TO CONNECT
Andwecanfeelaparticulartypeoflonelinessifwe
don’t feel a connection to some kind of community or
group, according to neuroscientist Professor John
Cacioppo, co-author ofLoneliness: Human Nature and
the Need for Social Connection(Norton). As well as
‘emotional loneliness’, caused by lack of an intimaterelationship, we can feel ‘social loneliness’ if we’re
disconnected from friends. But perhaps the most
insidious and debilitating type of all is ‘existential
loneliness’, a feeling that life has no meaning, which
can come from not feeling part of a community. Human
beings are pack animals; we thrive when we feel
connected to a group of like-minded individuals,
says Cacioppo. “We have a need for ‘collective
connectedness’, which comes from feeling that you’re
part of a group,” he says. Existential loneliness can be
the most baff ling, hijacking you with low mood and
feelings of anxiety even if on paper, life is good.
A strong and supportive friendship group can tick
both the ‘social’ and ‘collective connectedness’ boxes
for some of us. But not everyone has friends that are
part of a cohesive group. And not surprisingly, research
has found that having hundreds of online friends
doesn’t help combat this kind of loneliness. The key is
feeling part of a group that shares a purpose or interest
or ref lects your values, says psychologist Dr Juliet
Wakefield from Nottingham Trent University. “Groups
can provide a sense that you are making a difference
and helping wider society,” she says. Her research
found that happiness levels are boosted by 9% for every
club or community you belong to, and being a member
of two clubs is as protective for health as physical
exercise. “As a species, our need for connection is
deep-seated. If we don’t feel accepted or supported by
our friendship group or family, joining a group based on
an interest or goal can be very important,” she says.
Club membership could be one reason why Denmark
consistently tops the world happiness charts – the
average Dane is a member of two or more clubs.CLUB REVIVAL
And is it a coincidence that as we have more ways to
connect digitally, we have also found more ways to
connect in real life? Over the past decade we’ve seen
book groups, choirs, Parkrun and cycle clubs grow andREALLY CONNECT
FINDING YOUR TRIBE, FACE TO FACE AS WELL AS ONLINE, IS
KEY TO COUNTERING LONELINESS AND BOOSTING HEALTHWords: SALLY BROWNTHINK (^) | WELLBEING