ST201903

He doesn’t

do his share

She never

calls me

She never asks

about me

He’s

always late

F

oralongtimeIthought—andfeared—

thatIwastoobitchyforenlightenment.

EachtimeIreadaself-helpbookthere

would come a point when I’d think,

‘OK, so clearly I’m never going to be able to

putthisbrillianttheoryintopractice—this

bookobviouslyisn’tforthelikesofme.’

Thatpointwouldusuallybethemomentwherethe

author would say something like, ‘Don’t keep old

grudgesinyourlife—they’llweighyoudownandmake

youbitter.Letthemgo.’EachtimeIencounteredthis

adviceIfoundmyselfthinking,‘That’sjustnottrue!

My grudges are amazing, and I love them. They make

mylifebetter.’I’veknownforalongtimethatmy

grudges,theonesIchoosetokeepinmylife,are

beneficialtome,sowhydidsomanypeopleview

grudge-holding as a damaging habit?

FORGIVING NOT FORGETTING

Isoonfoundtheanswer:mydefinitionoftheword

‘grudge’ was different from everyone else’s. Every

dictionaryIconsulteddefined‘grudge’as‘afeeling

of ill will or resentment caused by a real or imagined

insult or injury’. This struck me as inaccurate. I knew

mygrudgeswerenotfeelings;instead,theywere

usefulstories—objectsintheirownright—thatIused

for protection, inspiration and entertainment.

Imighthavehadnegativefeelingswhentheoriginal

grudge-sparkingincident(GSI)occurred,butintime

those feelings pass, particularly when we recognise

thatwecanholdagrudge(ie,rememberthestory

andlearnvaluablelessonsfromit)longafterour

anger and hurt have dissolved.

This is precisely why holding grudges in the right

way enables us to forgive much more easily. Most

people think that holding a grudge is the opposite of

forgiving someone, but that’s not true. When I give

myself permission to hold a grudge, I stop feeling that

there’s a danger that the person who harmed me has

suffered no repercussions and received no sanction.

I know that’s not true — my judgment about their

behaviour, and my decision to remember it in

grudge-story form, and to think and behave differently

towards that person as a result, tells me that they

have not got off scot-free.

This enables me to feel that justice has been done,

and to forgive on an emotional level almost immediately

(in other words, let go of rage and hatred), without

feeling as if I’ve let my grudgee trample all over me.

FEELING THE POWER

I see each of my grudges as a charm on an invisible

charm bracelet. My practice of positive grudge-holding

(which I call ‘The Grudge-Fold Path’) enables me to

honour my experiences — to acknowledge officially to

myself that it matters if I am treated badly.

The deliberate creation and processing of a grudge as

a story (I explain in detail how to do this in my book)

WHY GRUDGES ARE GOOD

LIKE A TROPHY IN A CABINET, EVERY GRUDGE TELLS A STORY

AND HAS VALUE WORTH CHERISHING, SAYS SOPHIE HANNAH

THINK (^) | WELLBEING