givesyoupowerandagencyinthesituation.Nolonger
areyousimplyapersontowhomawrongwasdone.
Yougofrombeingtheacted-upontobeinganequal
agentofaction.Youaren’tmerelyavictim—youare
someonewhohasanimportantjobtodo,andthat’sto
create,processandgradeyourgrudgestory,andthen
distil from it as many lessons and benefits as you can.
AgoodexampleisoneofmygrudgesIhavetowards
anoldfriend.Foryears,Steph(notherrealname)has
shownnointerestinaspectsofmylifethatmatterto
me:mywork,say,orfutureplans.Sheneverasksme
anyquestionsaboutthesethingsandIusedtotryto
talk to her about stuff, but she didn’t listen and I
eventually simply stopped trying.
WhenIfirstidentifiedthis,Ifelthurtandresentful.
ThenIworkedoutthatbylettingheraffectme
emotionallyIwascolludinginthetormentingofmyself.
IchosetoremoveSteph’spowertomakemefeel
negatedbysimplydecidingIwouldfeelfinenomatter
how she behaved. She has other great qualities and is
fundamentallyagoodperson.
My grudge is very specific: ‘My friend Steph shows no
interestinmylife,Idon’tthinkthat’sOKandIfurther
believe that the not okay-ness of it is important.’ How
doIfeelaboutStephnow?Iloveher.DoIforgiveher
lack of interest/questions? Absolutely. But that doesn’t
meanI’mgoingtopretendthebadthingshedoesin
relationtomeisOK.Infactit’sonlymygrudgethat
enablesmetofeelpositiveaboutherandremindme
thatIwillneverandshouldneverthinkit’sOKfor
anyone to show no interest in a close friend.
Bywritingdownyourgrudge,whichisacrucial
part of the grudge-processing routine, you achieve a
measureofdistancefromanypainfulfeelings.Youget
thestoryoutofyouandintotheworldasaseparate
object.Thisishugelypowerful,andarealhelpin
encouraging those clingy negative feelings to loosen
their grip. Once your grudge exists separately from you
andcanbepassedtosomeoneelsetoread,it’sfareasier
to free yourself from any emotional residue that’s
not helping you.EMOTIONAL LANDMARKS
Thoughitmightsoundeccentric,agrudgecanbe
likened to the psychological equivalent of a monument
createdtohonourthememoryofthevictimsofan
atrocityordisaster.Mostofthetime,whenweare
treatedbadlybypeopleinourpersonalorprofessional
lives,noonebuildsastatue—butwecreateourgrudge,
to act as a commemorative justice object, telling us that
what happened matters and will be remembered. It’s an
extremelyeffectivewayofhonouringthekeyemotional
landmarksinourlives.Forthisreason,Itrytocreateas
manygratitudegrudges(GGs)asIcan:thepositive
experiencesandgooddeedsthatmadeuswhoweare
today are as important to remember and commemorate
asthenegativeones.
Thisisn’ttosaythatyoushouldtrytoholdgrudgesif
youneverhavetheurgetodoso.Ifyou’resomeone
(andtherearepeople–mysonisone)wholivesalmost
totallyinthemoment,rarelythinkingaboutthepastor
the future, then you might find that acquiring a grudge
wouldfeelliketoomuchofaneffort—andthere’sno
reasontotrytoaccruegrudgesiftheydon’tcome
naturallytoyou.Butifyou’resomeonelikemewho
likestothinkaboutthepastinordertoimprovethe
future,thenwhygowithoutthebrilliantlifelessons
andinspirationthatagrudgecanprovide?
Take our quiz, over the page, to discover what kind of
grudge holder you are.“I see each of my grudges as a charm
on an invisible charm bracelet... it
enables me to honour my experiences”
A grudge might be invalid or harmful
to hold onto if...- thinking about the grudge makes you
feel worse rather than better, powerless rather
than empowered. - your grudge is based on inaccurate or
false reasoning. - you’re holding a grudge against a
whole group of people based on the
actions of only one member of the group. - it causes you to try to get revenge or cause
any harm to anyone, however mild.
WHEN TO LET GO
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