RD201902

“This is your great-grandma and great-

grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him

a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look

like them?” He shook his head. “Not yet.”

—Veronica Dale Macomb, Michigan

also body fat, bone

mass, and water per-

centage. I nixed that

one in favor of a low-

tech model. As I told

the salesperson, “I

don’t need to be de-

pressed four ways; one

is quite enough.”

—Susie Battaglia

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

You know you’re getting

old when you get that

one candle on the

cake. It’s like, “See if

you can blow this out.”

—Jerry Seinfeld,

comedian

Tracia and Patrick

Kraemer met at a

nudist park and fell in

love. “It was our third

date before we saw

each other dressed.

And that was a good

thing,” Tracia said,

addressing Patrick,

“ ’cause had I seen you

Got a funny story

about friends or fam-

ily? It could be worth

$$$. For details, go to

rd.com/submit.

dressed on the first

date, I probably

wouldn’t have dated

you again. You wore

those two different

brown plaids together;

that was terrible.”

—npr.org

Spotted in the legal

notices section of the

Maryland-based Daily

Times: Michael Ray

Dipirro petitioned the

circuit court to change

his name to Michael

Ray Forbes. His reason

for doing so? “Ex-wife

wants to keep my

surname. She can have

that too!”

—Barbara Benton

Salisbury, Maryland

I RESOLVE TO

LOSE ... WAIT, IS

THAT A DOUGHNUT?

Happy New Year! Time

for the new diet—and

the new excuses:

✦Just burned 2,

calories. That’s the last

time I leave brownies in

the oven while I nap.

— @pingstarellis

✦I’m not interested in

any diet plan unless it lets

me use rollover calories.

— @sbellelauren

✦The only difference

in my life when I’m on a

diet is instead of saying

“I ate nachos,” I say, “I

accidentally ate nachos.”

— @behindyourback

✦Personal trainer: No

pain, no gain.

Me: Deal!

— @abbycohenwl

✦How much mint do I

have to muddle into this

mojito for it to count as a

serving of vegetables?

— @MichaelTrying

rd.com 17

olga niekrasova/shutterstock